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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, June 25, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady, who lives here, lets me sleep with her." Mum sends Dave off to the market to buy a few things and Marge, the new maid, tags along as usual. After investing in a couple of buckets, a straw broom, a couple of live chickens and a poddy calf, Dave is struggling home, with the calf balking and the chickens flapping and the buckets clanking - all in different directions. As they pass through a bit of bush Marge says, "Aw gee, Dave, I'm scared!" Dave yanks the calf and recovers a chicken and says, "Yeah ? What are you scared of, Marge?" "Aw gee, you might take advantage of me in this lonely bush!" she says "Come off it, Marge," says Dave, grabbing the bucket. "Look how busy I am with this lot!" Quick as a flash, Marge says, "But couldn't you put the chickens down on the ground with the buckets on top of them, and push the broom into the ground and tie the calf to it?" 
When that flash goes off, she is going to have a very
enlightening experience!
The fireman rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs. As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you." Only those who have used a 2-holer outhouse can fully appreciate this OUTHOUSE POEM The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!" An elderly couple, Elmer and Betsy, lived apart but were dating for several years. One day, Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together." "Whose house would we live in?" Betsy asked. "Mine, it is already paid for," answered Elmer "Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?" she asked. "Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine," he answered. "Who would do the cooking?" she asked. "You cook and I'll do the dishes," he answered. "What about sex?" she asked. "Infrequently," he answered. "Is that one word or two?" she asked.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, June 24, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy." "What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never needed while teaching. "Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge. Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?" The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door. "Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor. The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the seats. "Tea or coffee, sir?" "Tea," the man replied. "And for your brother?" The yuppie business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.Noticing that her favorite suit had been badly wrinkled during the flight, she phoned the front desk and asked to have the hotel's valet service pick up the suit for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door and there stood an elderly Chinaman ,waiting. Impressed by the speedy service, the career woman exclaimed,"My, you come lickety-split!" "No ma'am," replied the old Chinaman,"I come get laundry." 
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don"t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!” A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry." She said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, June 23, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me." The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded. "No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset. "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any no good friends of my own?" she snapped. 
LARGE
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" The psychology professor replied, "Yeah, I think they're from the wicker chairs." Two football players are sitting in a dorm and talking about girls. One says to the other, "I never get lucky, I'm just too ugly..." The other player says: "No man, you just need to go to where I live. There girls don't even care what you look like." So the ugly guy says, "Well lets go!" They take the bus and get off in the friend's neighborhood. They start walking down the street, and the ugly guy turns and sees this beautiful woman across the street, curling her finger towards herself and saying, "come here." The ugly guy turns toward his friend and says, "You were right. I'll meet up with you later, see ya!" So he runs across the street and starts following the woman. She disappears for a brief moment around the bend of a building and then reappears signaling with her finger, "come here." He continues to follow after her. She disappears behind another building, then reappears once again... still curling her finger, "come here." Finally, he sees her at the top of an apartment's stairs... one last time she curls her finger, "come here." He goes up the stairs and walks into the apartment which is pitch dark. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly the lights turn on. There he sees the woman pointing at three kids saying, "I told you if you were bad I was going to bring you the Boogie Man!" Read this one out LOUD! The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble. One day he called Wibble and said, "What about running my bath Wibble." "Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?" said Wibble. "Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown." "Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?" "Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers." "Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?" "No Wibble, If I require anything else I shall call you. The old Lord lowers himself into the water, and lets go a long fart. Five minutes later, Wibble returns with a hot water bottle on a silver tray. "Here you are my Lord, your hot water bottle," says Wibble. "I never asked for that," said his Lordship. To which Wibble replied, "You did my Lord, as you lowered yourself into the bath, I distinctly heard you say, 'Whad-abowd-a-hob-wadder-boddle-Wibble?'"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, June 22, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A Scotsman went to the zoo for the first time. At one cage, he stopped and asked the keeper, "Now, what animal would that be?" The zoo keeper said, "That's a moose from Canada." "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man! They must ha' rrrats like elephants o'er there!" Two ministers rode their bikes to the park every Monday to discuss that Sunday's sermon. One Monday the first minister asked the second minister where his bike was. The second minister said that he thought one of his congregation had stolen his bike. "That's terrible!", said the first minister. "Who could have done it?" "Well...", the second minister says, "I don't know but it must be one of them cuz I remember riding my bike to church last week and now it's gone!" "I have an idea", says the first minister; "Next Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to the part about Thou Shalt Not Steal, really lay it on thick and whoever took your bike will feel bad and give it back!" Next Monday the second minister rides up on his bike and the first minister says, "See, my idea worked after all. I see you got your bike back!" "Yeah," says the second minister, "I got my bike back. Yesterday I started preaching about the Ten Commandments like you said. I got to the part about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and then I remembered where I left my bike!" 
LARGE
- Good morning! - Morning. - What is that, please? - Bananas. - Are they fresh? - Yes, they are fresh. - Give me ten pounds, please. - Okay, here you go. - Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them? - Yes, sure. (couple of minutes) - Here you go. - Thanks. And, what is that, please? - Oranges. - Are they fresh? - Yes, they are fresh. - Give me ten pounds, please. - Okay, here you go. - Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them? - Yes, sure. (couple of minutes) - Here you go. - Thanks. And, what is that, please? - Those are poppyseeds, they are 4.95, each, not per pound. "You used to be the life of the party in the old days," reminisced one buddy to the other. "Does your wife still find you entertaining after six years of marriage?" "No," answered the live one, "I don't let her catch me entertainin'." Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls. One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma, where did you go on your honeymoon?" she asked. Mother never hesitated. "Upstairs!" she said.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 21, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!" The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary." "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost." "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window." 
1000 lb Tricycle and the nut who built it.
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough." "Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen. "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom. "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and went with the biggest." The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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