Good Morning 
It's Friday,  April 24, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

 A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain
restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress 
always looked and sounded very sour.

One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, 
and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their
orders,  "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"

The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at him,
 "I certainly do not!" 
 
 With a great big grin, he asked,
"Well, Ma'am', what do you charge?"





A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story
was read she gave the children a sheet to do. She thought
they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it
there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that
in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big
and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"


 A group of Cubans desert their island on their way to Miami. In the
middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one)
suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish asks for a flag to say
good-bye to his dearest Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search
desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag
of their country...a T-shirt, a handkerchief...anything. Almost ready to
abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search
to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of
her buttocks.

The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear
showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek.
She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face. The
old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and
starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say
good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, Havana...I will
miss you so."

After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl,
"Now, Chica, turn around, por favor. I want to kiss Castro good-bye!"


A young boy is down at a popular secluded beach, the south
end of which permits nude bathing.

After much wandering around with wide-eyed wonder, the boy
approaches his father and says "Dad, why do some men have
little cocks, and other men have big cocks?

Taken aback, but quick with an answer, the well endowed
father replies "Well son, it's like this. All the men with
big cocks are really smart, and all of the men with small
cocks are dumb bastards!"

The boy nods, and pauses to digest this new information.

Dad says "where's your mum?"

The boy replies "She's down behind the bushes with some
dumb guys, but they're getting smarter by the minute!"



A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor, who  gave him
a monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two
weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier...."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  April 23, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm"
(instead of organism).
At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer
gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."





All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully
until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science.
This procedure is called gross anatomy.


A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the
aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her
breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she
is having a problem.

She tells him no.

He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the 
beginning of each aisle.

She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.

He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation.

She goes through the motions saying:
One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and
Fantastic...


 Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly
arrived babies)
"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...isn't she
adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the
room.

"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so
much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue".

Later that night  they went to sleep. Around two in the
 morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen,
and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so
much as a glass of water."






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  April 22, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter,
he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was
already ahead by a quart of alcohol.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was
glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash, the Chinese crashed down from
his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer. Picking himself up,
he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"

The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you
##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"

I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese !" Yeah,
yeah, yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ...you are all
the same."

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a
double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and
delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the
floor.

"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.

"That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!"
the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the
producer.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Calsberg...you are all the
same!"





The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor
thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He
suggested special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life
with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so
dirty."


The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me
the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I
found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."

The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"

The girl said, "Army."

"Active or retired?"

"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"


"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested.
"Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."

"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a
cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."


A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the
results.
On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a
paper.
Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".


"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon
getting her order, asks the counter girl the same
question.  She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling
really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man
the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go.
 Although, when Iwas young, there was a sure way to
tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let
me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts.
Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until
curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally
says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her
bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how
old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing.  How did you
know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  April 21, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an
affair with a woman - almost." 

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then
walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" 

The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in!"





I once knew a girl named Sapphire
She succumbed to his wanton desire
She said: "I know itza sin
but now that itz in
could'ja PUSHIT a lil bit higher?"


A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a
small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The
trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" 

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, 
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" 

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the
 mightiest animal in the jungle!"
 
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, 
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like
it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped 
on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and 
ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you 
don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."


One day the farmer left the gate open separating the bulls 
from the cows.
"Let's run down and service a couple of the cows." said the 
young bull excitedly.

"No!" replied the older bull. "Lets walk down and do 'em all."


The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer
Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually
arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he
said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to
any question you may care to ask it".

A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked,
"Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task.
Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser
printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick
question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry
the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was
precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's
husband?" 

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the
room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper
said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  April 20, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

From Bob:

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. 

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. 

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.. 

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird. 

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat..
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. 

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. 

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my Mother.' A few
minutes later, I get into the cab. 

'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with
a mop  to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' 

The cab driver hit a parked car 





A yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She asked,
"How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey?  Only $50"
"No way!" heI responded.  "I'm married!!!"
"So???  What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So he told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for $35,
or $25 and half an hour of arguing."


The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite
surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded
to ask the routine questions. When his asked,
"How many children do you have?"

The lady replied, "Eighteen."

"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist, you just
don't have time to get dressed!"


Two ladies were talking when the first one says, "My cousin from
Alabama is coming to visit me and my family this weekend.

The second lady asks, " Oh really, is she nice?"

The first lady says, "I guess so.  I mean she's sweet and all, but
she's from the only place in the world where counting is, 
"1, 2, 3, 4, lots, a shitload,... "


Tony had come over from Italy a short time ago and his English was not
very good. His wife had a bad case of crabs in her pubic hair, so Tony
went to the drug store and asked the clerk, "My wife, she has'a bugs
in the bush".

The clerk though that Tony's wife had insects in her garden and gave
Tony a bottle of insecticide and told him to use one tablespoon per
gallon and spray the bushes and that would get rid of the bugs.

Tony took the insecticide home and thought the infestation in her
pubic hair was so bad, he would spray it on straight out of the bottle.

Several weeks later Tony was in the drug store and the clerk ask him,
"How are the bugs in the bush doing?" Tony said, "The bugs, they are
gone, my wife's bush is all gone, too. By the way did you hear about
my neighbor Joe?". 

"No, I didn't",  says the pharmacist.

"He had a beautiful mustache and it all fell out and do you know 
Joe up and died last week. 
My wife she is very sad about Joe dying."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD