Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  March 24, 2009

It warmed up a bit today, and the snow settled down to 10".
The neighborhood kids like it, though. It is so much faster building
an igloo over the Sheriff's car when there is lots of fresh snow 
available.


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Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Got this from Fran:
I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided
to try to figure out what it meant.

I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started
trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section,
the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel,
then I got out all the manuals and went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped
with one. So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I 
could buy one.

I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking
woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked 
her if she had any sex drives in stock.

She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart
with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I 
replied that I tried to be smart with everyone.
She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and
walked away......huh, must not have had any in stock. 

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model 
of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock.

He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive......I thought
about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should
already have one installed.....he started laughing at me....said something
about me trying to kill him. 
You're killing me! something like that.... and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too...must be hard to keep in stock.
I wasn't trying to kill him...I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen
off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, 
but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times.

He mumbled something about that explaining it.... she's fallen off the
wagon, that explains it.... like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath
and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one?

Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores....maybe have to
order from a catalog or something.
So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my
sex drive, I would appreciate it, then all I'd have to do is figure out
what to do with it.





Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First
Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery
School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's
nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my
father, and coming home with my mother."


Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?"
he asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on,
if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me
then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll
always love you," she reassured him, "but I'll really miss you."


A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above
the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If I can't tell you where
you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the
sign right?"
The Indian says, "Yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!" The Indian looks
the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly
states, "You're from Wyoming." 

The cowboy shakes his head and says,
"I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same
routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian 
looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on 
his boots. The Indian says, "You're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man 
decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes 
into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries 
them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. 

He hands the Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!" 

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be 
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on 
the Indian. 

The Indian finally says, "You're from Arkansas!" 

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure 
out how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"

The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."


Jim and Hoyt were hunting pheasant. They approached a farm
and decided to ask the farmer for permission to hunt on
his land. "You stay here at the gate," Hoyt told Jim. "I'll
go up to the farmhouse and talk with the farmer."

After Hoyt explained their desire, the farmer replied,
"It's fine for you to hunt on our land, but I have one
request. See that old gray mare over there? She's sick and
dying and needs to be shot, but she has been so good to us
all these years I can't stand to do it. If you'll shoot my
horse, you can hunt on our land."

Hoyt told the farmer it would be hard for him too, but he
would do it. As he walked back to meet Jim at the gate,
he decided to trick his buddy.

"Well, what did the farmer say?" Jim asked. "That no good,
lousy farmer...He said No!" Hoyt replied.  "I'll teach him
a lesson. See that mare over there?" Hoyt took aim with
his rifle. Pow! Pow! He pulled the trigger and shot the
horse. Then he heard two shots ring out behind him. He
turned and saw Jim lowering his rifle.

"Good job, Hoyt!!!" Jim said, "I got two of his cows, too!
Let's get out of here."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  March 23, 2009

Woke up to a foot of snow this morning. I'll blame it on Roland
and all his farting around. Him and all the cows in Colorado are
putting too much CO2 into the atmosphere, causing Mother 
Nature to giggle about nuts like Al Gore.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters
but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one
last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became
pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy
baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the
child was the ugliest he had ever seen.

The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be
the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters
we've had!"
He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."



It's not snowing in here


Sally and her family have never had a pet.  One day Sally 
ponders the options and decides a parrot would be best.  
No housetraining, no worming, no registration...

The pet shop owner shows her a beautiful parrot and 
she's astonished by the price tag.  "Only $50!?" she asks.

"Yes" the shopkeeper says, "you see he lived in a brothel 
before and his language is, err, colourful".  She buys the 
parrot, takes him home and sets him up in the living room.

"New house, new madam" says the parrot.  Sally laughs.  
Pretty soon her two daughters come home.

"New house, new madam, new hookers." says the parrot.  
Sally explains to her daughters.  A bit later, Bill, her husband 
comes home.

"Hi Bill!" says the parrot. "We got a new house, new madam, 
new hookers." 


GROAN ALERT
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me 
he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy 
who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight.... You bought a fish 
because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? 
I can't believe it!'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen,' Mike, 'while you might be able to teach 
a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a 
parrot fish.'

Mike: 'Yeah! That's what you think! This fish can sing all right.
The thing is, he keeps singing off-key and it's driving me crazy. 
Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'


My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the
bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts
like yours?"

My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although
breasts come in all shapes and sizes".

My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting
out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"


A knockout babe with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind...I can't remember ANYTHING after five
minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all
your clothes, miss, and lie down..."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  March 22, 2009

Right now it's snowing like at Christmas. Big flakes that make driving
a real nuisance, except where you have the tall orange lights at 
exits and on ramps. Not a good time for driving between towns.
I sure feel for the truckers tonight!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A long time ago there was this little Italian boy
in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's
hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things
with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

 "Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger?
You usea thisa one to pointata what ever you wanta.
You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages
in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena
you get a married, and your little finga, you use to
picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla
tella you about thata one when you getta married."

 Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.
It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful
wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony
went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many
a year I use this finger to point at what I want,
and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked
my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful
ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa,
what is it I do with this middle finger?"

 Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonighta you
will make mad hot love to your woman many times and
you may become tired, when that happens and your
woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love
again, that's when you takea your middle finga and
you poka her on her head and say, 'Go to sleep
you silly woman!' "





Just before closing time, a pharmacist has one last customer,
a Scottish army private.

"I need some advice about this rubber.  I need to know how
much it would cost to repair it, and how much a new one would
cost."

The pharmacists gives him a cost estimate for the repairs,
tells him the price of a new rubber and asks the soldier to
think it over and let him know the next day.

Early the next morning, the private is back.  He says "The
regiment has voted to replace."


An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair
and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps
in front of them.

"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever
you shout out on the way down."

"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the
helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure
enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by
thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of
his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than
he can carry.

The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of
the slide takes a deep breath and then shouts 
"WHEEEEEEE   "

The slide was quite fast and he didn't quite get to "SKEE",
and though his landing in it sounded somewhat like that,
it wasn't.


One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to
his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he
shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge
shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town
to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one
look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that
nothing could be done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich
man and can pay you anything."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.
However, there's a man across the street who might be able
to help."

"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach
you how to hold it without wetting your face."


I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this
morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twentieth
wedding anniversary?"

And you know what the answer is? "Morning Sickness."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  March 21, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her
swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the
back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to
both of them since their relationship had been purely
platonic up to that point anyway. They decided to walk
together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where
certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the
problem.
Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German
Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.



Mutt mauled by troll


Billy receive's his homework back from the teacher. At the top it says
that the homework was
unsatisfactory and he must to do it again.  He bursts out, "Well, that
sucks!!!"
The teacher called his mother and told her that Billy has to do his
homework over and some additional work because Billy used
inappropriate language.
Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he say?"


The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious
problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who
has been heing and sheing to stand up!" Half of his
congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing
and heing to stand up!" A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing
and sheing to stand up!" Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that
everyone was standing except Ms Priscilla.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at
Ms Priscilla, can she be the only one without sin? Ms Priscilla, 
stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who
isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. 
What do you have to say!"

Ms Priscilla replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing
about me-ing and me-ing!"


A sweet young woman took her seat on opening day of her college
class.

The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said,
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made 
the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"


Just think, if it weren't for women,
men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  March 20, 2009

Equinox!
From now till fall, the days will be longer than the nights!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,
lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said
to his wife, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball--don't
knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."


The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course.  The husband cringed and said, "I told
you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there,
apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man was sitting on
the couch and when they saw him, he said, "Are you the people who
broke the window?"

"Yes, we are. And we're very sorry about it," the husband said.

"Actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped in that
bottle for a thousand years. You've released me and I'm so relieved.
I'm allowed to grant three wishes--I'll give you each one wish, and
I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life."

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the man's gorgeous wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," replied the genie.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked. "Well, since I've
been trapped in that bottle, I haven't been with a woman in a
thousand years...my wish is to make love with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. It seems only fair."

So the genie took the woman upstairs to a bedroom and ravished her
for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at
the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?"





A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding
anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of
bottles of champagne.  A bit tipsy and feeling very
intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks,
"Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful
to me?"

"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the
truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."

"What? How could you?"

"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first
time was back when we were first married.  You
needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the
money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got
him to operate for free."

"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess
I should be grateful.

But, tell me, what about the second time?"

"Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you
desperately wanted, and they were going to pass
you over for someone else?  Well, I went to bed
with the President and he gave you the job."

"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own.
But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.
And so, what about the third time?"

"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to
become president of the Golf Club, and you were
missing 53 votes..."


Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt Christine and says,
"My Gosh, Aunt Christine, why are you so darn ugly?"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the
kitchen. and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt
Christine is so darn ugly!"

"Because she is," said Little Johnny.

His mother said, "You go back in there and apologise
to her, right now!  I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to
his aunt and said, "Aunt Christine, I am sorry you're so
darn ugly...."


How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious
odors, and half the time they don't work.


Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks
in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy,
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to
town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part
where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD