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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, April 23, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk." Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him? Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..." "Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?" "Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid." "Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!" What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back. Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!" "Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!" She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill." "Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well." A biology major was taking a course on cell biology. The task of the day was examining epithelial cheek cells under a microscope. The students had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it, then record the different types of cells that were found. One girl in the class was having trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over for help. After a moment of peering into her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, "Those are sperm cells." 
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again. DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES? Q. Why is sex so much like drugs? A. Because the quality depends on the pusher. Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon? A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak." Q. What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second? A. The first, Niagara; the second, Viagra! Q. What's the difference between a Manhattan hooker and her mother? A. About $20. After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --- Cato the Elder
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, April 22, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist." Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions.... "How many children do you have?" he asked. "Eighteen." The lady replied. "Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist--you just don't have time to get dressed!" Mary Jane was walking down the street and she saw a sign on a fabric store window that said 'FELT FOR $.25'. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, 'Ha, ha, ha, ha...', because she knew that she could get felt for free. 
Hmmmm?
A priest was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Father," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys! Boys! Boys!" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Father!" There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her knees in the doorway. She said to her beau, "Hey, look at me, Joe, I think I've discovered one more way." There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. --- Frank Zappa
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, April 21, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?". Humoring her, he replies: "About 32" "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29" The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I will tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street and finally curiosity got the best of the woman and she says, "OK, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a few minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He says, "You are 47", without being in a hurry about pulling his hands back. Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know it so exactly?". The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's where you told everybody." Two coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?" Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?" Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is. The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?" Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway. So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?" Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive." And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?" Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!" 
Shady helmet
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?" Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was levelled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around?" Forty-nine hands went up. "Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you Now let me get this straight: Man made pollution causes glow-bull warming. Volcno made made pollution causes glow-bull cooling. Bullshit causes changes. The data to substantiate any of that is as secret as Obamov's birth certificate and just as disputed. And I am supposed to worry about it? Fahgeddaboudit!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, April 19, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A Seriously flat-chested woman was elated when her fairy godmother told her, her breasts would increase in size any time a man says "Pardon" to her. She was walking down the sidewalk the next day when a man bumped into her. "Pardon me" he said and her breasts immediately grew one inch. She was ecstatic. The next day she was in the grocery store and a man bumped her with his cart. He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven. That night she walked into a Chinese restaurant and collided with a nearly blind waiter. He bowed low to her and said "A thousand pardons for my clumsiness". The next day, the headline in the newspaper says "Chinese waiter suffocates when seriously top-heavy woman falls on him." Prior to her trip to West Virginia, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Mountain State. She wanted to taste some real Fried Green Tomatoes, go whitewater rafting down the Gauley River, and have sex with a redneck. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a place in Beckley called Tamarack with real fried green tomatoes cooked by a restaurant from a 5-star resort called the Greenbrier. The taste is unbelievable!! I had so much fun when I went whitewater rafting. I got thrown out of the raft right into the rapids! What a rush! The scenery there is absolutely beautiful! It was incredible!" They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a redneck??" "Are you kidding?" She told them, "Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!" (Rednecks cayy cans of chewing tobacco in the back pocket) 
Bubba went to a weight loss clinic and said he needed to lose 20 pounds. So, the guy at the desk said first door on the right, close the door, and lock it. He went in, and there was a naked lady standing there with a sign that said "You catch me, you screw me." An hour later, he came out 20 pounds lighter. A month later, he returned and wanted to lose 50 pounds. The guy at the desk said second floor, third door on the left, close the door, lock the door, and bolt it. When he went in, there were two girls with the same sign. A day later, he came out 50 pounds lighter. A year later, he returned and wanted to lose 100 pounds. The guy at the desk told him that at the price for the 100 pound deal, he would get a house call. He paid up and went home. The next morning, there was a knock on the door. The peep hole in the door saved him, at least temporarily. There was Nancy Pelosi carrying a sign. He now has a back door, where there wasn't one before. There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The second guy goes home and cooks dinner. The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so shuts the door and leaves. The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!" Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed by and on the top of it was a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." The two prostitutes asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day the same cop was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $50.00."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, April 19, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"" "No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight..." A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." 
There was a sweet little boy who loved to dress up like a cowboy and pretend that he was one. His mother gave him some money one day to go to the Dairy Queen and buy a sundae. As the little boy ordered the sundae, the waitress asked him, "Do you want one scoop or two?" The little boy said, "Two, please." Then the waitress asked, "Do you want chocolate sauce?" The little boy replied, "Yes, please". Then the waitress asked the little boy, "Do you want your nuts crushed?" The little boy pulled his toy gun out and pointed it at the waitress and said, "Do you want your tits shot off?" A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house. The husband said jokingly, "Oh God! NO! That must be your husband coming home." And the wife replies without thinking, "No, don't worry. He's off in the Navy for six mo......OOOPS!" A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your helpmate, your health, and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small Stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your helpmate out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then... A student then took the jar, which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to slowly pour in a can of beer and a cup of coffee. Of course the beer and coffee soaked into the sand and the remaining air spaces, within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of the Story: No matter how full your life is, no matter how important you think you or your job are or how much little crap you have to do, there is always room for a beer or a coffee with a friend.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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