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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 22, 2010

The smoke is getting a bit tiresome after more than a week. 
It is so thick that often you can't tell where the sun is, and it 
sure shortens the daylight hours! 

The forest fire smoke doesn't stop the planes from coming in,
but often they have to wait 2-3 hours before it is clear enough,
so that they can see far enough down the runway to be able
to chance a take-off. I had thought that if they can land by 
instruments, they could take off that way too, but apparently not.

Oh, well. The smoke deposits ash onto the fields. That's
metals and minerals, that the plants need to build nutrients.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his 
friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" 
Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and 
tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring 
some excitement and will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that seven times
...it never worked."



The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. 
The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the 
woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with 
built-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in
their love life with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get
the sheets too dirty."

 


Italian Baby Bottle


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


A father came home from a long business trip to find his son
riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were
gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom.
Every day he gave me a $20 bill and told me to go for a hike!"


One summer, the company that Andrew worked for
transferred him to another city. Andrew was
told that he had to take a new physical with
the company doctor to continue to be employed.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor
remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis
he'd ever seen.

"Do you have any difficulties with it being
so small?" the doctor asked.

"Not at all" Andrew said. "I've got a wife,
three kids, and we have a great sex life.
But I must admit I do sometimes have a
problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doctor asked.

"Nights are no problem," Andrew said,
"because at night, there are two of us
looking for it!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated
the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The
boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive
person on his weapon.



There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for
I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be
forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take three
lemons and three limes, squeeze them into a glass and then 
drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

 

Click on the picture for the Large Version
Pastafarians in Warsaw


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother,
who was in her 50's to the  gynecologist.
After dropping her mother off, she and her
daughter ran a few errands, then returned
to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups,
the doctor remarked,  "Don't we look pretty today",
as he performed his examination.

The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was very upset.
The following  conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me?
He said, "Don't we  look pretty today", while he was
looking between my legs!  Do you think  that was
appropriate?

Daughter: No!  Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or
something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional.
I wonder  if it could be considered sexual harassment.
What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know.  We're you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very  embarrassed.  I used some of your
FDS this morning, and he may have  smelled that, but
I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do!  In the blue can that was
on back of the toilet.  I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: Grandma!  That's my Barbie Golden
Glitter Hair Spray!


Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved fom horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, 
and I think he wants to buy Mom!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and
moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the
groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his
sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the
bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"

So Tony climbed on top of his wife and did his best.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and tried again.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he
shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old
man down here!"



From Sandie
Two rednecks  were looking at a 
Sears catalog and admiring the  models.
One says  to the other, 
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this  catalog?'
 
The second  one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful 
And look at the  price!'
The first one says, with w
ide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very  expensive. At this price, 
I'm buying one.' 

The second one  smiles and pats him on the back. 
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as  beautiful as she 
is in the catalog, I will get one  too.' 

Three weeks  later, the youngesr redneck asks his friend, 
'Did you ever receive  the girl you ordered from the Sears 
catalog?' 

The second  redneck replies,
"No, but it  shouldn't  be long  now.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!  "

 

 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


As an attendant at an exclusive golf club, my work includes welcoming
guests to the course and loading bags in and out of vehicles.  I'm the
only female on the staff, and I work with eight teenage boys.
  One day a golfer drove up in a yellow Lamborghini.  Three of the teens
rushed to help him.  Later, they gushed about their conversation with
the man, who told them he owned three of the Italian sports cars.
  "Really?" I replied. "What line of work is he in?"
  "We didn't talk about that," said one of the boys. "We only asked if
he has a daughter."


Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show
event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the
time was a white English sheepdog.  It was simply a mound of fur with
four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look
at the animal's eyes. 

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has
to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color,
etc., etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has
to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes.  'Cuz if you start combing
through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong
end of the dog."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, August 19, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his 
slovenly wife.
"She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, 
everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my 
own and I wish she was dead."

The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It isn't 
an offense, after all.

So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and 
kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning 
came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came 
home that night the house was spotless, 
a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy
see-through nightie on.

"You see, darling," she purred. 
"Treat me right and I'll treat you right."


The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction 
he felt for his model finally became irresistible.

He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and 
kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you 
kiss them," she said. 

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

Really," she said, softening. "How many models have 
there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version

That's good enough for wall paper!


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   

One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down
to the dealer.  After he picks out the perfect bike, the
dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the
chrome on his new bike free from rust.  The dealer tells him
that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and
put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be
fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
dinner.  He readily accepts and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and
they ride to her parents house.  Before they go in, she
tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever
speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

Inside, there are dirty dishes piled to the rafters. Obviously
that game had been played for a very long time.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting
for the first person to break the silence and get stuck
doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed
things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front
of  her family.

No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles
her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and
throws HER on the table.  They have even wilder sex.  Still
no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder
in the distance.

His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so
he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his
jar of  Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"



A sweet little girl was leading her dog through the park
when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a
pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama
bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess
why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You call him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him porky, 
because he fucks pigs."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. 
I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from 
the train station to your office?" 

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down 
on the sidewalk and start screaming. 
Someone from our office will be along shortly."


There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in
trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he
finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor
gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the
diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are
deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his
composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment
available, but there are no guarantees. It involves
transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk
into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought
of going through life without being able to have sex is just
too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a
nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While
sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs;
it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of
being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to
relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over
the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his
pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive!
Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I
don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version
SIT!


The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical
errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the
ground!  The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the
engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going
splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate
and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally
the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up
to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.  As the
official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual
it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were once tall 
Slobovians with all the shit scared out of them!"


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It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was
trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? 
What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her
pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"

"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to
draw Little Johnny out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes
together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher?

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but dad always says, 
when mom and sis start 'cycling together', 
it's time to get the hell out of town."


Classifieds:

- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

- The hotel has howling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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