His secretary toook care of it
Sunday, July 22, 2012, 04:29 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, July 22
No, the chair that landed on my porch was not the one, that
almost hit DearWebby in Black Diamond. They don't travel
that far. Usually they fly along just a few feet above the
ground and occasionally clear a hedge, but tusually fences
or porch railings stop them just like they were tumbleweeds.
I have not seen tumbleweeds pass me on the highway for a
long time! I guess the herbicides the farmers use made them
extinct.
I used to think they were magical, because they were out and
about on the highway only at night, and even if they were
coming straight at you, they always veered to the side at the
last moment or went over the vehicle and never got crunched.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Short stuff to get started:
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. FOR MEN TO BE PREGNANT.
Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?
"Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!"
How did the duffer hit two good balls in a row.
He stepped on a rake.
A young couple was expecting a visit from
the pastor of their church. They wanted
everything to go smoothly, but their two
year old son was just getting the hang of
potty training. He was at the stage where
he would announce at the top of his voice,
"I gotta pee," when he had to go to the
bathroom.
His father, worried that this might be
embarrassing when the minister came
to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout
that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That
evening the pastor makes his visit. He's
there a very long time and the two year
old is on one foot and the other. Finally,
the minister asks him, "What's the matter,
son?"
The child looks at his dad and says, "I've
gotta whisper!"
The pastor says, "It's all right, child.
Whisper in my ear."
Click through the picture for full size
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her Mom what her Dad said and her mother
responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because
there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy he
can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and
announced....
"Daddy said never mind, his secretary took care of it
at the office."
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to
honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught
a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes
out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.
Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right
here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road,
it broke down again. This time it was next to a good
looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's
a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles
down the road, the bus broke down. This time they
were out in the woods. However, there was a little
clearing out of the sight of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the
voods and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena,
"Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No".
Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here
ve vent out into the grassy voods, getting bit by the bugs,
and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if
the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould
be over."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Bisquick© Streusel Coffee Cake
Ingredients:
Cinnamon Streusel:
1/3 cup Original Bisquick® mix
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons firm butter or margarine
Coffee Cake:
2 cups Original Bisquick® mix
2/3 cup milk or water
2 tablespoons white sugar
1 egg
Directions
Heat oven to 375 degrees F. Grease 9-inch round pan.
In small bowl, stir streusel ingredients until crumbly; set aside.
In medium bowl, mix coffee cake ingredients until blended.
Spread in pan. Sprinkle with streusel.
Bake 18 to 22 minutes or until golden brown.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1021
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Saturday, July 21, 2012, 03:44 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, July 21
I heard some clattering out on the porch this evening. So I
grabbed my big cast iron frying pan and headed out there,
ready to witness all kinds of bloodshed. A deep dish 12"
cast iron frying pan is a formidable weapon at close quarters,
when you can't swing a bat or point a shotgun.
When I burst out onto the porch, frying pan raised behind me
ready to pound somebody through a knot hole in the floor
boards, the motion detector light came on, and there was the
intruder, up against the railing, just a shaking in the wind:
One new plastic lawn chair, upside down, but otherwise in
good shape.
It tperfectly matched my collection, so I put it onto the stack
in the corner and looped the tie-down chain through it.
It sure had gotten windy all of a sudden!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A multi-faceted survey at Columbia University School
of Medicine in NYC has so far uncovered two interesting
conclusions.
One study to determine why married women love Chinese
food in the NYC area discovered that the real reason is due
to the belief that there exists some form of mental hypnotic
suggestion at work here after realizing that Won Ton spelled
backwards is: " Not Now."
And a survey recently completed among a carefully selected
representation of male students picked to represent an
accurate cross section of actual racial and ethnic demographic
percentages in the 18 to 30 age bracket has positively
ascertained that 10 percent of the men interviewed prefered
women with thin legs. Another 15 percent preferred muscular
legs. The rest were interested mainly in something in-between.
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea
what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits
twice a day, but only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you get madat me, too?"
Click through the picture for full size
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic... "
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we
returned, Samuel started using the most horrible language.
Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME,
PLEASE !!!
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook...."
"I'll pick you up in ten minutes, and we will go see the rabbi"
said the mother.
A guy goes to the big football game, he has great seats on
the 50 yard line, 8 rows up, perfect.
Just before kickoff he hears someone behind him yelling,
"Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!"
He turns around and misses the kickoff! A short while later, just
as the quarterback throws a long bomb, the same guy starts
yelling, "Hey Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!!"
Again he turns around and again he misses the play
This goes on for every big play. He hears the guy shouting,
"Hey Arnold, look up here!" He turns around and misses the play.
Finally, fuming mad, he turns around, pulls out his binoculars
and scans the crowd for the guy doing all the yelling. He
eventually spots him, after missing yet another big play. He runs
up the stands, nearly to the top of the stadium. Pulls the guy
out into the aisle, picks him up by the lapels and shouts,
"Shut-up, my name is Mark, not Arnold!!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Sirloin Steak & Baby Spinach
Ingredients:
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 boneless beef sirloin steak, 3/4-inch thick
(about 1 pound), cut into 4 pieces
1 large onion, sliced (about 1 cup)
1 small red pepper, chopped (about 1/2 cup)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell's® Condensed
Cream of Mushroom Soup (Regular or 98% Fat Free)
1/2 cup water
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary leaves or
1 teaspoon dried rosemary leaves, crushed
1 bag (about 7 ounces) fresh baby spinach
Hot mashed potatoes
Directions
Heat 1 tablespoon oil in a 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat.
Add the beef and cook until well browned on both sides.
Remove the beef from the skillet. Pour off any fat.
Heat the remaining oil in the skillet. Add the onion and pepper
and cook for 1 minute, stirring occasionally. Add the garlic and
cook until the vegetables are tender-crisp, stirring often.
Stir the soup, water, vinegar and rosemary in the skillet and heat
to a boil. Return the beef to the skillet. Reduce the heat to medium.
Stir in the spinach. Cover and cook the beef for 2 minutes for
medium or until desired doneness.
Serve the beef and vegetable mixture with the potatoes.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1019
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Friday, July 20, 2012, 05:39 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 20
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Thanks for renewing, Moe!
While checking international news, typical for England,
various unions are trying to use the Olympics to hold their
country for ransom, and get some demands met, that
they would never get through at any other time.
Heathrow is going to be a mess, as usual, when the
unions pick the Christmas travel period for strike or "work
to rule" action.
With England, one has to expect that sort of thing.
Another interesting tidbit from Europe:
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant,
the husband kept looking over at a nearby table
where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.
The wife asks "I notice you've been watching
that lady for some time now. Do you know her ?"
"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and
has been drinking like that
since I left her seven years ago."
"That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would
that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back,
a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and
a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
Click through the picture for full size
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile...
But fart just one damn time, and evwerybody notices!
What is the difference between a spider
and a fly?
You can't zip up a spider
What is a perfect secretary?
One who never misses a period.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Salmon Cakes, Simple!
Ingredients:
3 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
1 small onion - finely chopped
1 stalk celery - finely diced
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
15 ounces canned salmon, drained, or
1 1/2 cups cooked salmon
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 1/2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1 3/4 cups fresh whole-wheat breadcrumbs
1/2 teaspoon pepper
Dill Sauce, (recipe below)
1 lemon, cut into wedges
Directions
Preheat oven to 450°F.
Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.
Heat 1 1/2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over
medium-high heat. Add onion and celery; cook, stirring,
until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in parsley; remove
from the heat.
Place salmon in a medium bowl. Flake apart with a fork;
remove any bones and skin. Add egg and mustard; mix well.
Add the onion mixture, breadcrumbs and pepper; mix well.
Shape the mixture into 8 patties, about 2 1/2 inches wide.
Heat remaining 1 1/2 teaspoons oil in the pan over medium heat.
Add 4 patties and cook until the undersides are golden, 2 to 3 minutes.
Using a wide spatula, turn them over onto the prepared
baking sheet.
Repeat with the remaining patties.
Bake the salmon cakes until golden on top and heated through,
15 to 20 minutes....
Meanwhile, prepare Creamy Dill Sauce.
Serve salmon cakes with sauce and lemon wedges.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1018
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Thursday, July 19, 2012, 03:55 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, July 19
Thank you Claude in Portland, OR ! What is your email address?
DearWebby received your check, but there is no email
address on it.
Thank you Betty! Your subscription is now good for the
next two years.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them
are really taking their time and are slowing the men
down.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those
ladies if we can play through." He starts walking
toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the
other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway
there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what
happened?"
To this he replies, "It's a small world."
A street-wise stunningly beautiful babe walked into a bank
and asked to see the manager about a loan. When seated
in his office, she said,
"Look! Before we get started on this, I heard a story where
a girl borrowed some money and she was unable to pay it
back. The manager of the bank made her sleep with him
for $100 a nite until the loan was paid off.
Could that happen?"
The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such
an occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over
again, "but... I guess it's not impossible."
"Good!" smirked the woman, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."
Click through the picture for full size
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want one those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge."
Farmer: "Yea, I got a grudge,
that's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No, no, do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "No sire, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
Farmer: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
An out-of-towner becomes friendly
with Thelma, the waitress in his
hotel coffee shop, and invites her
up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited.
This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her
shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his
room, and again she is angry.
The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel
room and he suggests they undress
and have some fun. He assures Thelma
that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand,
he opens it to the front cover where
someone has written,
"Thessa the waitress is a great lay."
Thelam burst out laughing.
"Thessa is my mother!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Mushroom Quiche Made in Cupcake Pan
Ingredients:
8 ounces ground turkey sausage - crumbled into small pieces
1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
8 ounces mushrooms, sliced
1/4 cup sliced scallions
1/4 cup shredded Swiss cheese
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
5 eggs
3 egg whites
1 cup milk
Directions
Position rack in center of oven; preheat to 325°F.
Coat a nonstick cupcake pan generously with cooking spray.
Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat.
Add sausage and cook until golden brown..
Transfer to a bowl to cool. Add oil to the pan. Add
mushrooms and cook, stirring often, until golden brown,
5 to 7 minutes.
Transfer mushrooms to the bowl with the sausage.
Let cool for 5 minutes.
Stir in scallions, cheese and pepper.
Whisk eggs, egg whites and milk in a medium bowl.
Divide the egg mixture evenly among the prepared muffin cups.
Sprinkle a heaping tablespoon of the sausage mixture into each cup.
Bake until the tops are just beginning to brown, 25 minutes.
Let cool on a wire rack for 5 minutes. Place a rack on top of the pan,
flip it over and turn the quiches out onto the rack.
Turn upright and let cool completely
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1015
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Wednesday, July 18, 2012, 07:32 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 19
It's cloudy but dry. Going to do some overdue
owing this evening.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past
couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them
notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that
girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a
chicken shit."
The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.
Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than
dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she
say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on
macaroni and would rather sh** in her pants."
>From Dennis
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when
a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and
have some.
" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey,
and they have a few joints.
After awhile the lizard says his mouth is 'dry'
and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard
and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking \
a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and
walks into the jungle,finds the tree were the monkey
is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says,
"Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Daaammm dude.......
how much water did you drink?!!"
Click through the picture for full size
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
"I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he
rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator
kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29,
and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The
pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The
pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week
I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we
made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The
pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks"
the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in
our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot
anymore either."
>From Lori
The New York Police Department were investigating the mysterious
death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window
of his 11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could
offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been
acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him,
a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received
a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private
office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then,
this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me
with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider
making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the
office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Hawaiian Chicken Stew
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon sesame oil, or canola oil
1 pound chicken tenders, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 2-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and cut into
matchsticks or minced (optional)
4 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
1/2 cup dry sherry
1 14-ounce can chicken broth
1 1/2 cups water
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon Asian red chile sauce to taste
1 bunch mustard greens, stemmed and chopped
= 6 to 7 cups (or 2 cups frozen chopped mustard greens)
Directions
Heat oil in a Dutch Oven or Large Pot over medium-high heat.
Add chicken and cook, stirring occasionally, until just cooked
through, about 6 minutes.
Transfer to a plate with tongs.
Add ginger and garlic to the pot and cook until fragrant,
about 10 seconds.
Add sherry and cook until mostly evaporated,
scraping up any browned bits, 1 1/2 to 3 minutes.
Add chicken broth and water, increase heat to high
and bring to a boil. Boil for 5 minutes.
Add soy sauce, chile sauce and mustard greens
and cook until the greens are tender, about 3 minutes.
Return the chicken and any accumulated juices to the
pot and cook until heated through, 1 to 2 minutes.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1014
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