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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Fridday, January 22, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"Your honour, " explained the young man, "I have to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella behind me, the one with with the shotgun?" A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis. A Nun walked over and said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!" The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet." 
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car." A raggedy old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped her. When it was over, the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She replied, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, ....unless you're too tired and nopt up to it."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /----------Two fat men, Sam and Greg, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, you fat bastard!" ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, January 21, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?" "Why, no. Is she up to anything special?" Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!" Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys." "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out to the bushes at the back of the church yard." A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there. Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull." Neighbor: "That's not I want." Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him." Neighbor: "That's not I want." Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him." Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant." Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer." A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?" "I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the mail man.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, January 20, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun grinned: "It's the cobblestones." A farmer's wife decided to kill a rooster for their dinner. Her husband was the one who did the butchering but he was away and the wife was too squeamish to cut the rooster's head off so she settled on hitting it over the head with a rolling pin. As she was pulling the last of its feather's off the rooster revived and started squawking loudly. The woman felt sorry for the rooster so she made a little suit for it and put it back in the barnyard. A while later the farmer came into the kitchen roaring with laughter The wife asked the farmer what he was laughing at. Said the farmer "I just saw the funniest sight. A rooster was holding a hen down with one foot and trying to open his fly with the other. 
Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted him. "It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was." Suspecting her husband of infidelity, a woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd say that you were a lesbian." There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!" He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, that would be your mother."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, January 18, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you hard and excited. But how come it's so cold?" "Because it's in a snit, that you are petting my popsicle instead!" the man replied.... "All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it." 
No wonder they have to dumb down the High School Exit exams again!
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was liberal amounts of good sex and to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cereal every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 34 children, 48 grandchildren, 145 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. Two chubby men, Sam and Greg, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Greg looks at Sam and and says, "Scho are you, you'r not dat schlimm either, Fatscho!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /----------Two fat men, Sam and Greg, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, you fat bastard!" ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, January 17, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's a whole weekend and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." Afamily is preparing a ancy family dinner, awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?" The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear." Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey." The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey..." 
Wherever that picture was taken, it's going to get COLD!
Glad I haven't seen that here recently!
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host." The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'" Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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