Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 21, 2009

Looks like the failure of the mooches in Copenhagen to get the 
US and Canada to commit to paying them welfare, depressed the 
Euro and boosted the US $ and CDN $
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A man was bragging about his sister who disguised
herself  as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to
dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't
she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged, "So far, none of them complained."


So," Jane asked the detective she had hired,
"did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an
out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got
him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was
doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear, that he
was following you and taking pictures for his web site."



NOT a generic holiday bush!



A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way
there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters".

 They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed
this morning."

 This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes
on.

 He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,
"Good morning Brother."

 The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of
the bed this morning."

 The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther
and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."

 The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of
the bed this morning."

 Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not
saying a word to anyone.

 The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

 The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He
looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the
bed this morning."

 The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"

 The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is
it you want."

 The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why
you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"


A guy walks into a bar in Sydney and says to the barmaid, I'll have a beer
and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me.

 She thinks about it and he's an ok looking bloke, so when she finishes her
shift they go back to his hotel.

 Next night the same guy goes to the bar and says to her, "I'll have a beer
and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me."

 Again she agrees and spends the night with him.

 Third night in a row he walks in and orders a beer and says he'll give her
$100 to spend the night with him, so off she goes.

 Now on the forth night, he comes into the bar and says he'll have a beer
and that's all.

 The barmaid is a bit shocked and has enjoyed her self the last three
nights, so she asks why he doesn't offer her the $100.

 "I haven't got any money left" he replies.

 "Well, you're a quite a nice guy, and you're from out of town, where are
you from?" she asks.

 "I'm from Cobar, west New South Wales".

 "OH!" she exclaims, "I've got a brother who lives in Cobar, do you know
him?"

 "Yeah, I do, and he gave me $300 to give to you!"


A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the
man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he
had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust
Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 20, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said
her breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
"Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk and almost accidentally
bumped into a man. Naturally he said,"Pardon me."
Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery
store. He begged her pardon and another inch was
added to her breasts.

She was really pleased about that and grinning from ear
to ear and walked into a  nearby Chinese restaurant to
celebrate.

In there she collided with a waiter. The waiter bowed and
said, "Hundled pahdons for my crumsy axidenn!"

He almost didn't survive the accident.


A young woman, a military dependant, came into the
dental clinic with a problem tooth. She had several
children and appeared to be quite ready to give birth to
another one at almost any moment. It was necessary to
use X-rays to locate the source of her problem, so she
was conducted to the dental unit with an X-ray machine,
and her husband followed.

The X-ray technician was lining up the cone of the
machine preparatory to making the first exposure, when
he noticed that the young woman's husband was standing
beyond her, but in a position where he would receive
some radiation after it passed through her teeth.

Being well trained, the technician stopped and asked the
fellow to move to a safer position.
"Sir, please step over there. Too much of this radiation
will make you sterile."

A broad smile appeared on the young woman's face, her
eyes grew wide with excitement, and she clapped her
hands while saying, "Joe, come here, hold my hand!"



British CO2-Trumpet-Solo


On beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded, each group on separate islands:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another
long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have sent a bottle mail to Tokyo and are 
awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/
laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees
for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because
the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature
of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm
trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother
is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.


A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that
the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher,
I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would search for it. The following week after service,
the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which
read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."


The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing
her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very
difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,"
she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse
me, but how do you make it last an hour?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 19, 2009

Obama had to leave Copenhagen earlier than planned in order to 
return to Washington before a major snowstorm hits.
Apparently the  weather office told him, that there ain't no Gullible 
Warming where he planned to land, and that he better get his 
skanky ass home quickly, or he will have to land in Cuba.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and
several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that
the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the
priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be
replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told
her that he thought that she had been there long enough to
refer to church property as "our" not "your."

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge
needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told
him, "Father, I've noticed that your...(-and after a stern look
from the priest-) I mean OUR hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his
attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch
that had gone missing.
She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

Another few days passed, and the parish received word that
the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in
an uproar of cleaning, and decorating.

On the day the bishop arrived, while the priest was greeting
the bishop in front of the church, the same nun came running
down the front stairs yelling,
"Father, Father, I found your watch!!"
The priest, annoyed at the interruption, gave her another one of
his "stern looks".
"Why yes, Father, Sorry. I found it under OUR bed."


The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother.
"Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my
new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two
people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a
very beautiful thing..."
"I know all about sex, mother," Wendy interrupted. 
"I want you to teach me how to make a decent lasagna....."






One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed
with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says
"Th ... that's um ... that's daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down
and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks. "
Oh that ... that's mommy's rock grinder."

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's
rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"


A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout
counter.

The girl at the cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A
lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management
wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.'

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and
brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again
the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old
people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the
hole. The cashier said, 'No, you might have a snake in
there.'

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in
the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger
in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady,
'That smells like shit.'

The little old lady said, 'It is. Now can I buy three rolls
of toilet paper?'


Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and
Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and
he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were
taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,

"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next
Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up
his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over
at Lena and said,
"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School
class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School
class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in
his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs
Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel
with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then
and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the
motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there
in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat
have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena,
I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to
tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to
smoke or drink to have a good time!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Friday,  December 18, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."


Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?" 

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, 
may even walk again....some day.






What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in
common?

Both were intended for children, but it's the father who
plays with them.


Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a
cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to
sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting
rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention
called a condom which works really well for this problem.
You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put
the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all
later.'

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could
find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the
pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked
up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do
for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon
enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said
the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was
almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his
professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large,
extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size
for a Camel?'


When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her
best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew
toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleep overs would
have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around
the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory
could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally
come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host
announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 17, 2009

It just occurred to me, since Canada's forests and prairies convert 
more CO2 to O2, than we produce CO2, Socialist polluters like 
Zimbabwe, Tuvalis, Venezuela, etc. should be forced to buy Carbon 
credits from us! And the English better watch their farting too!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The old perfesser was shopping the other day and wound
up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous young lady.
He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his
mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling. The lady
caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring
her shopping bag.
"So, old man," she said, "are you often troubled by
indecent thoughts?"
The old perfesser smiled and replied, "No, ma'am, not
troubled at all. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."


Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really
down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem
was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had
our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat
Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."


Your Turn To Shovel the Driveway!



A small town is someplace, 
where everybody knows whose whiskey is good 
and whose wife isn't.


Greg went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "Greg, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?

Greg replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to
go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then
(poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Greg's wife. "Keli,"
he said, "Greg is just fine. Physically he's great.  But I had to
call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that
he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the
bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Keli exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

---
Must be an old joke!
DearWebby replaced my old light switches with motion detector
light switches in the hallway, pantry, coffee-machine corner in the 
kitchen and the bathroom entrance almost 10 years ago. 

I tried telling people that God turns the lights on for me, because 
he likes watching the sexy way I walk, but they don't believe me.
I sure like my sexy motion lights, though, and could never go back
to manual lights again.
Thanks DearWebby!


Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher.

"There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire
and...er... water... and---oh, yes---screwing."

The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That
filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?"

"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends,"  answered
Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing, he's really in his
element. By the way, it's not filthy, if you shower first."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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