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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, July 21, 2009 Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
====Thanks to Jerry for this one: My wife's grandmother complained to her doctor that she was afraid that her husband was losing his "interest" in her. "When did you first notice this?" the doctor asked. Gram replied, "Last night . . . "And again this morning." 
One way for a husband to learn about do-it-yourself is to criticize his wife's housekeeping. I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud. "Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and kick his car." I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. "We used the buddy system," he said, "and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters." Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do if you see a shark?" My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy." Spanglish, the official language of California 'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back. 'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops! 'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her seester. 'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat. ' Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go. ' Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your problem! Bish! 'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself. 'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!! 'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is. 'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief. 'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom. 'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go. 'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me. 'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer! 'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, July 20, 2009 Had a great weekend. Beautiful sunny weather. I think I passed more bikes this weekend than I did the whole of 2009 before. Summer definitely seems to have started! Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in the house!" 
First Ticket
Denise and George went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would remotely, through telemetry, transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out Denise he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. Denise delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found mailman Ernie dead on their porch. The Buffalo Hunter..... A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find the herd. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come." The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything. How do you know buffalo come"? The Indian replies, "Ear sticky." "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!" A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at the size of his pecker," says the man. "It's massive!". "Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears".
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, July 19, 2009 Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come." He said "Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person. "State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said. "Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord." "Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven." And off the nun went. "Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life." "I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious." "Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?" "Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said the beautiful Girl. "Here is a key made of copper." he said. "Is that the key to Hell?!" "No, this is the key, for my apartment." 
See the face?
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys. They are all on different limbs... at different levels. Some are climbing up, some are climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of asses. Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her. Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?" Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. MOODS OF A MAN Horny and/or hungry.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Satrday, July 18, 2009 It was warm enough to drive with the top down. I love driving in the wind, especially if I don't have to dress up like I was an arctic explorer, just to go get some smokes or groceries. The sun sure feels good! Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man and his wife moved back home to Texas from Louisiana . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Louisiana it cost them $2,000 per year! When they arrived in Texas , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Texas to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Louisiana ! The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on t he screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!' 
"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..." Several months later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I dnaced with a hula girl..." Two weeks later came yet another note: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl..." Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to her maid, "I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it," snapped Marie. "You're just saying that to make me jealous." Frank goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?" "I have a lot of issues with sex," Frank replies. "What kind of issues?" the therapist asks. "Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, July 17, 2009 With the warm weather the bikes came out of storage and are being a nuisance, especially when a large group is shivering along at less than the speed limit and in that childish staggered formation, that forces people to take risks while passing their long convoy. Somebody should tell the silly ninnies, that if a little old lady in her Buick doesn't manage to pass the entire convoy and needs to pull in to avoid a head-on with a school bus, she is going to crunch your noisy lemon without a second thought. I used to ride a bike, but I dressed warm enough so that I was comfortable at 19.5 over the speed limit, same as what everybody drives on the highways and freeways here. Some cops even claimed I was going fster than that, but I think they just wanted to flirt. I wouldn't speed, would I? There are still some older bikers out there. They ride at the proper speed, they have mufflers on their bikes and they learned to ride in such a way, that they are not a nuisance. Three cheers for them! Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But.... " The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" 
Not so bright
If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of them again." The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this brick. The first kid said "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker." Another said "I think about our new house." Then the teacher thought "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?" So she said "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick?" Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked chicks!" The teacher was horrified "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick!" So Johnny said "Bricks don't need thinking about. I got them figgered out. So I think about naked chicks." Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they're here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says "What's your name?" The duck replies "Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are you here ?" The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your name?" The duck replies "Quack Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are you here?" The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must be Quack Quack Quack." The duck replies "No, Officer. It's Bubbles."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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