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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 21, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!" The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary." "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost." "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window." 
1000 lb Tricycle and the nut who built it.
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough." "Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen. "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom. "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and went with the biggest." The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, June 20, 2010 Happy Father's Day! Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy." "When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own TV, phone, computer and DVD player. "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!" 
Hey Dad! She needs a photographer!
Hector was married to a much younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, on the day after his 50th birthday party, he had a heart attack. His doctor, who was about the same age as his wife, advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several days, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!" The lawyer emailed his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Do you want us to order burial or cremation ?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both, but not in that order." Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?" "Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, June 19, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits. "Who is this?" asks the padre. "Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe" "And this portrait?" "That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi" "Who is this third one?" "That is the Virgin of Ishia" "And the final portrait, what virgin is she?" "Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior." The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Carmen, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish -but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." 
Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland, Phil and Mick. Anyway Phil turns to Mick and says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh" "Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Mick. "I'll stand on this ind and balance ut" "Are You sure Mick ?" "Yis, no worries" "100%?" "YIS !" So out goes Phil to take a piss and the lunch siren sounds, Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank and Phil is a gonner. Some time later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest... Wazza the Aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates while trying to crack on to Sheila's!" Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest and give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure" Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing and says "No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a Building site in Auckland following a gorgeous looking Bird, and this bloke came whooshing from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: "Beeeeetch!" A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way from their wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the plaza. Suddenly, he had a tremendous heart attack. Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed him to the hospital across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic. One of the medics turned to the young bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them." "Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher. "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny, I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white." A 90-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope, he began to mutter, "Uh-oh." The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Perplexed, the old man said, "Which half -- the looking or the trying?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, June 19, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the signboard for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the signboard. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places. The sign read: Psycho- the- rapist "You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the seventy-year old man after the examination. "I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?" The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped. "My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can." "Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the seventy-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?" "These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can." 
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls." "No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home." "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place." When my last boyfriend realized that I was really kicking his lazy ass out for good, he started trying to patch things up. He got all sad, and looked at me with tenderness, saying "You know I love you. Say those three little words that will make me walk on air." So I said, "Go hang yourself." A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, June 18, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight." "No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!" "So???" queried the hooker. "My wife will do it for $35." he replied. From Mia: Some friends brought over some steaks for the BBQ.. My oldest son (age 7) and their oldest (6) decided that they wanted to jump on the trampoline. It was already dark so the boys decided that they needed a flashlight. My son knows where I keep my flashlight so he went into my bedroom and took it out of the top drawer. He, and his friend, came running back up the stairs very excited. My son held out a pair of fur-lined handcuffs in front of everyone, and said in his most amazed voice, "Mom! I didn't know that you are a cop!" From Moe How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ? Do you think it's correct? There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce it. If you say OK...LAHOMA You're WRONG!!!!! The proper way is: OKLA...HOMA There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'. I can prove it 
Thanks for noticing, Moe ;-)
An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood', but what does it *mean*?" The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!" The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!" "Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue, *zat* is sang froid!" A newly married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they had rented from the groom's parents. The first night, the father of the groom was awakened from sleep by his wife nudging him with her elbow. "Roger, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm. The wife said, "Come on, Roger!" Roger rolled on top of her and screwed her. He was trying to fall back asleep when, 15 minutes later, the same sounds were heard. The wife nudged him again and said, "Roger! Listen to them! Come on, Roger!" Once again, Roger got on top of her and made love to her. A short time later, the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak again. And again the wife nudged her husband. "Roger, listen!" At this, Roger leaped from the bed, grabbed a broom, and banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man!" Q: What do you get when you cross a prick and a potato? A DickTater!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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