|  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and
moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the
groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his
sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the
bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"

So Tony climbed on top of his wife and did his best.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and tried again.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he
shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old
man down here!"



From Sandie
Two rednecks  were looking at a 
Sears catalog and admiring the  models.
One says  to the other, 
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this  catalog?'
 
The second  one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful 
And look at the  price!'
The first one says, with w
ide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very  expensive. At this price, 
I'm buying one.' 

The second one  smiles and pats him on the back. 
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as  beautiful as she 
is in the catalog, I will get one  too.' 

Three weeks  later, the youngesr redneck asks his friend, 
'Did you ever receive  the girl you ordered from the Sears 
catalog?' 

The second  redneck replies,
"No, but it  shouldn't  be long  now.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!  "

 

 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


As an attendant at an exclusive golf club, my work includes welcoming
guests to the course and loading bags in and out of vehicles.  I'm the
only female on the staff, and I work with eight teenage boys.
  One day a golfer drove up in a yellow Lamborghini.  Three of the teens
rushed to help him.  Later, they gushed about their conversation with
the man, who told them he owned three of the Italian sports cars.
  "Really?" I replied. "What line of work is he in?"
  "We didn't talk about that," said one of the boys. "We only asked if
he has a daughter."


Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show
event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the
time was a white English sheepdog.  It was simply a mound of fur with
four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look
at the animal's eyes. 

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has
to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color,
etc., etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has
to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes.  'Cuz if you start combing
through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong
end of the dog."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, August 19, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his 
slovenly wife.
"She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, 
everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my 
own and I wish she was dead."

The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It isn't 
an offense, after all.

So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and 
kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning 
came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came 
home that night the house was spotless, 
a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy
see-through nightie on.

"You see, darling," she purred. 
"Treat me right and I'll treat you right."


The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction 
he felt for his model finally became irresistible.

He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and 
kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you 
kiss them," she said. 

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

Really," she said, softening. "How many models have 
there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version

That's good enough for wall paper!


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   

One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down
to the dealer.  After he picks out the perfect bike, the
dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the
chrome on his new bike free from rust.  The dealer tells him
that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and
put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be
fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
dinner.  He readily accepts and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and
they ride to her parents house.  Before they go in, she
tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever
speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

Inside, there are dirty dishes piled to the rafters. Obviously
that game had been played for a very long time.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting
for the first person to break the silence and get stuck
doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed
things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front
of  her family.

No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles
her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and
throws HER on the table.  They have even wilder sex.  Still
no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder
in the distance.

His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so
he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his
jar of  Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"



A sweet little girl was leading her dog through the park
when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a
pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama
bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess
why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You call him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him porky, 
because he fucks pigs."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. 
I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from 
the train station to your office?" 

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down 
on the sidewalk and start screaming. 
Someone from our office will be along shortly."


There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in
trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he
finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor
gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the
diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are
deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his
composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment
available, but there are no guarantees. It involves
transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk
into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought
of going through life without being able to have sex is just
too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a
nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While
sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs;
it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of
being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to
relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over
the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his
pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive!
Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I
don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version
SIT!


The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical
errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the
ground!  The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the
engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going
splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate
and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally
the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up
to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.  As the
official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual
it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were once tall 
Slobovians with all the shit scared out of them!"


   Powerful Home Made Insecticides Formula
   Why buy the expensive stuff, that might not even work?
   Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
   That info is the most valuable part in this expensive looking Lawn
   Care book. Get it now, while you can!


It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was
trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? 
What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her
pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"

"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to
draw Little Johnny out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes
together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher?

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but dad always says, 
when mom and sis start 'cycling together', 
it's time to get the hell out of town."


Classifieds:

- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

- The hotel has howling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------()-------Ooooo-------.
----------\ (---------(   )--------
-----------\\---------) /----------
----------- \ _)--------//------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

According to John,  Viagra has some side effects that
cause headaches. He said every time he takes some,
Amy, his wife instantly gets a head ache.


Wanting to find out if both his wife
and his mistress were being faithful
to him, Gary decided to send them
on the same cruise and question each
one later about the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her
about people on the trip, casually inquiring
about the passenger who was his mistress
when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that
woman slept with nearly every man on
the ship!" his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary
planned a rendezvous with his cheating
mistress and decided to question her
about the trip before confronting her
with what he knew.

Once again, he carefully inquired about the
woman who was his wife after ascertaining
that they had met. "She was a real lady,"
his mistress said.

Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say
that?" he asked.

"She came on board with her husband and
never left his side."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I
think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both
idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "Somehow I doubt
she has ever heard a rhino fart underwater!"


   Powerful Home Made Insecticides Formula
   Why buy the expensive stuff, that might not even work?
   Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
   That info is the most valuable part in this expensive looking Lawn
   Care book. Get it now, while you can!


"Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on
the future. One says to the other: You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great
sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who
should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a
few kind words at me grave.  

The other friend responds: That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. 
But should it be I who should happen to go first,
for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of
Irish whiskey over me grave.

The friend responds: That I'll do. But about the Irish whiskey............
would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass
through me kidneys first?


We apologise for the error in the last edition,
in which we stated that 'Ms Gina Presscock is a
Defective in the Air Force'. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that
Mr Gina is a Presscock in the Air Farce."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------()-------Ooooo-------.
----------\ (---------(   )--------
-----------\\---------) /----------
----------- \ _)--------//------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 16, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A True Story...

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame
deGaulle.Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How
quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking
forward to in these retirement years?;

"A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one
knew what to say next.

De Gaulle leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe
ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'. "


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the
yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He
proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at
him with her mouth hanging open. 
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that
dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


From Dixie
My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for
awhile.  Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy
test, he was called out of town on business.  I had told our young
daughters about the test, and they were excited.  We decided if it
was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father
when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the
telltale line to appear.  When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old
gave me a hug.

"It's okay, Mom," she said.  "The next time Daddy goes out of
town, you can try and get pregnant again."


   Powerful Home Made Insecticides Formula
   Why buy the expensive stuff, that might not even work?
   Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
   That info is the most valuable part in this expensive looking Lawn
   Care book. Get it now, while you can!


You might think about this one the next time you have to go to the
doctor. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist 
who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. 
I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old 
guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you 
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't 
come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some 
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have 
said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed 
the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had 
aken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

As you can imagine, the room erupted in laughter, WITH the
old dude.


Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes
up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From
the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------()-------Ooooo-------.
----------\ (---------(   )--------
-----------\\---------) /----------
----------- \ _)--------//------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------