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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 20

I was going to run this yesterday, but could not find it in time.
My Father Knows Everything

At 4 years-old: My daddy can do anything.

At 7 years-old: My dad knows a lot, a whole lot.

At 8 years-old: My father doesn't know quite everything.

At 12 years-old: Oh, well, naturally Father doesn't know that,
either.

At 14 years-old: Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.

At 21 years-old: Oh, that man is out-of-date. What did you expect?

At 25 years-old: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.

At 30 years-old: Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.

At 35 years-old: A little patience. Let's get Dad's assessment
before we do anything.

At 50 years-old: I wonder what Dad would have thought about that.
He was pretty smart.

At 60 years-old: My Dad knew absolutely everything!

At 65 years-old: I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could
talk this over with him. I really miss that man.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.  
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. 
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under 
the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: 
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you 
berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you 
want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want. Whatchou 
wann?" he says, trying to sound experienced, 
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

Thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently 
(and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies 
shyly and unsure, "I want...... numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries............. .  
"You want...... Beef wif Bloccolli?"

------------------
In North America Chinese Restaurants usually have their
menu items numbered, so that you can order unpronouncable
items by their number.



The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time 
Saturday.  I've got three tickets for the circus."

"Why do we need three?" asked the girl. 

"They're for your father, 
your mother and your kid sister," he replied. 



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Sam: "You crazy octogenarian! Sex at your age with 
that young woman can be very dangerous ... even deadly!"

Leroy: "Don't worry, Sam. She's a lot tougher than she looks."





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A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that
people can be taken apart like machines?"


"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied his mother.


The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he
screwed the ass off his secretary."





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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses
power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with
all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the
soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol.
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
"More!"
he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains
control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get
into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side
of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says
"A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy
who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A
rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They
meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask
him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I farted and blew up my school!"

--------------------
There is a lot of that going on in Libya right now, with NATO 
testing all their new toys. Britain is getting wirried about the 
"many hundreds of Millions of Pounds" worth of missiles and 
smart bombs they have dropped there so far. 

And the US? "Quite a few Billion bucks worth. Got to take 
advantage of the situation and test the stuff, while the 
media and all the human rights nuts are on our side 
for a change."

  


	Sky Park

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 19

Happy Father's Day!

Thanks Dear Webby for all the stuff you have taught me!

What happened to summer? Two days until the longest day of
the year, and it feels like November. Where is that promised
gullible warming? If I could afford it, I's fill up the tank on
my pick-up and go cruising! Yeah, I know, it was just as bad 
during the last cold ripple 30 - 35 years ago, but that does not
mean I hav to be happy about it.

Oh, well. Instead of mowing, I'll be vacuuming this weekend.
I'll be making noise one way or another.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	


Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

From Jai

Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye 

Teacher: what's wrong? 

Johnny : our house is very small. Me, my mom, my dad, 
we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 
'Johnny are u sleeping? 
Then I say No,  then he slaps my face and gives me a 
Black eye" 

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead 
quiet and don't answer 

The following morning Johnny comes back with a  SEVERE 
black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again? 
Johnny: Dad asked me again, Johnny are you sleeping? 
And I shut up n kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom 
started moving, You know at the same time Mom was 
breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically 
and squealing like a hyena on the bed. 

Then my dad asks my mom, are you coming? 
Mom says: Yes I'm coming, are you coming too? 

Dad answered: Yes !!! 
They don't usually go anywhere without me, 
So I said, wait for me, I'm coming to. 



Overheard...
"Would you sleep with me for, oh, a thousand dollars?" 
"You don't have a thousand dollars!" 
"Just hypothetically." 
"Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess I would." 
"Would you sleep with me for ten dollars?" 
"Of course not!! I'm not that kind of a person!" 
"Oh! Sorry..." 



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The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent
marriage counselor.

"Isn't there some way - without turning into a nag -
that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Young lady," he said, "your
husband shouldn't have to wait in line!" 





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A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to 
a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. 
A young boy, about 12 opened the door. 
"Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked. 
"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." 
"Well, said the farmer, is yer Ma here?" 
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." 
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?" 
"He went with Ma and Pa." 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one 
foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. 
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. 
Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa." 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. 
"I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Joe 
getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to 
Pa about that", he finally conceded.. 
"But if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull 
and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he 
charges for Joe."



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Lawyer:    Tell us about the fight.

Witness:   I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer:    Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness:   I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow
hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed,
and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer:     You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness:    No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

  


	Lightning

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 18

There were still answers coming in to my question about
my top comments. I am even more amazed than I was yesterday.

OK, I will, when possible, mention sources of news, since I am
definitely not repeating the slanted pap from The Enemy Times,
CNN or Snopes.

Some news always come from subscribers in the affected areas,
but occasionally I also like checking Mainichi Shimbun, the 
Japanese news service. Especially with news from the Mid East, 
they seem to be a lot more level and thorough.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Judge:         I know you,...... don't I?
Defendant:   Uh, .........yes.
Judge:         All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant:   Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge:         Of course, you might be obstructing 
justice not to tell me.
Defendant:   Okay.  I was your bookie.



Judge:     Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror:     I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge:     Can't they do without you at work?
Juror:     Yes, .....but I don't want to proove it.



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The father telling a family friend about his daughter's newly-assigned
mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. Actually, she works on a cutter that 
escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in 
California's Bay Area.

But what her father told his friend was, "She's involved in some 
sort of escort service."





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A couple return from their honeymoon and it's
obvious to everyone that  they are not talking
to each other. The groom's best man takes him
aside and asks what is wrong,

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished
making love on the first night, as I got up to go
to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow
without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said
his friend "I'm sure  your wife will get over it soon
enough - she can't expect you to have  been saving
yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if
I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"




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A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist 
for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a 
compromising position. The man is her husband and the 
woman is the pharmacist's wife. 

He takes the photo and slowly nods. 
 
"Sorry, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

  


	Odd Things

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 17
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank all of you for your response!
I was very surprised at how many of you took the time to hit 
REPLY and give me a few words. 
The usual rule about "Don't expect more than one in a Thousand
to respond" obviously only aplies to dumb audiences, not at all to 
smart people like you.

Now, naturally, I can't count the ones, whose spouse forbid them 
to reply, and this summary is only about those, who did reply.

Amongst the responders, all read my top comments.
Mr Bill, I counted your remark: "Nah, I don't read, I just drool."
as a yes. And thanks for the compliment '-)

There was a fairly common thread, 
that I am a bit too right wing, 
that I should lay off bitching about the sheikh, not because 
anybody disagrees, but because the lesson has been 
learned and there is no point beating a dead horse.

Some mentioned that they totally disagree with my
viewpoint, but that there would be no need to read what I
write, if I just parrot their own viewpoint. 

Like me, quite a few are confused and upset about our
governments sending fighter jets and missiles to Libya, and
bombing stuff like the postal vehicle depot and Burger King 
in Tripolis, hundreds of miles away from where Government 
loyalists are getting shelled by NATO and NATO equipped 
rebels. 

Even if NATO has decided that Libya has been peaceful
too long and needs to be split and turned into a permanent
ammo customer, what is the point in bombing residential
targets in downtown Tripolis? I sure would get upset if they
bombed the postal vehicle depot and Burger King here, 
just because some foreigners have a beef with the Government!

I guess that is why they don't ask me. I would tell them to
spend their Billions on local flood control and not worry 
about bombing some far away camel jockeys.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	



Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the
beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?" 

The birch says he cannot tell. 

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 
"Wood- pecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a 
beech or a son of a birch?" 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."



Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class.? Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny,
that's a mouthful." 

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking
of a blowjob." 



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Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.


"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da
past-a two years? No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a
inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach,
anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da 
beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a 
yellin'."





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MEN AND BOYS.....


Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the 
road. 
Boys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. 
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. 
Boys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. 
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes 
with laces. 
Boys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned 
since high school. 
Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. 
Boys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on. 
Men: balance their checkbooks. 
Boys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the 
same buddy twice in a row. 
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, 
driving, and paying for dinner. 
Boys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, 
drive, and pay for dinner. 
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. 
Boys: are afraid of becoming men. 
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. 
Boys: pretend you're not there when their moms call. 
Men: start their own businesses. 
Boys: quit their jobs. 
Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones. 
Boys: are experts on their own erogenous zone. 
Men: order wine based on more than the price. 
Boys: often bring their own beer.



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A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork.

"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single
man and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green"

He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go
in peace.

The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned.
It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had
sex twenty times with Fanny Green"

The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go
in peace

But the next parishioner comes to confess
"Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my
last confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny
Green"

The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and
sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It
is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul.
But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.

Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the
service.

Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst
open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has
never seen, walk into the church. She is dressed in green. Green shoes,
green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green
feather.

This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front pew
where she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all
the time her legs slightlyapart,  just like that sinful hussy Bess
Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy.

The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too

He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of 
whom he has heard in confession.

"Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?"

"Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"

  


	Denali

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 16

Does anybody ever read my comments here at the top?

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. 
Please take off all your clothes."

Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test 
results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just 
yesterday."

Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."



Three weeks after her wedding day, Judi called 
her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Bob and 
I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's 
not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has 
to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Judi. "But what am I going 
to do with the BODY?"



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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a 
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man 
from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd 
have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just 
tell my wife."





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An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he sold a new car
to Jill, who had previously resisted his sales pitch. Elated over his
success, he asked her, as he was filling out the necessary papers, what
had finally made her choose his car.    

"Well," Jill said, "I visited four dealers and mentioned your car to 
all of them. They all agreed on one thing - that your car has the 
fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market.
That was good enough for me."




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A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch 
of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get 
on my back with my legs in the air for the next three days". 

The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

  


	Black and White Store