Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 20, 2009


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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 Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies
in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on
the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is
proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk
up there and ask those gals to let us play through." 

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned 
around, and came back, explaining, 
"I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the
other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just
as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."





Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife
were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The
Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After
many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but
accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed
through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and
attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, 

"Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to
tell what he has in his hand."
 

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon
in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount
store.  When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, 
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."  

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently 
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."  

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB 
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"


Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment.
Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and
so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife
move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor.
We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and
around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where
they belonged.

Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three
flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not
go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out
into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit.

Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck
up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed
the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in
through the sliding doors into the living room.  We all col-
lapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that
we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apart-
ment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to
figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It
will be our little secret.  He will have to take a saw to it!"

As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better
about three months later.  It really was a busy weekend at
work, and none of us were available to help move.  We waited
eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing.  Finally,
after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you
get everything moved OK?"

"Sure," he replied.

"Did you run into any problems?"

"No."

"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside
of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get
it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!"

Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said, "Geez, you
idiots, the legs unscrew!"


 A little boy asks his father "daddy what are those bumps on 
 mommy's chest" 
 
 The father replies "Oh those are mommy's balloons and 
 when she dies they will float her up to heaven" 

The next day the father gets a frantic call at work from his son 
"Daddy, daddy mommy's dying" 

The dad asks "what do you mean mommy's dying" 

The little boy answers: "The mailman is blowing up mommy's 
balloons and she's screaming to God that she's coming."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 18, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

 Morris staggered into the house at two O'clock in the morning. As he
entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. His
wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Morris 
had been until two O'clock in the morning. 

Morris looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, 
and what is he doing in bed with you?"

The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! .......Where in
the hell have you been so late?"





 Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening
progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. 
After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" 
Jack was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
 

A couple got married, where the groom was 91 and the bride
was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and had the feeling
that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was
a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop
in the hotel where their honeymoon happened. The clerk
looked really concerned, "What happened to you, honey? You
look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to
speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 72
years, and I thought he meant his money."


A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She is laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white
dress and brought to the hospital corridor. Before they
enter the room, she leaves the young girl behind the
operating theatre door and goes in to see if everything is
ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet
away, and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and
talks to another man wearing a white coat. The second man
comes over and performs the same examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, the
lady grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the
operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders and says, "I
have no idea. We're just painting the corridor and can't start 
until they get you out of here."



A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.  One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over
to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep and didn't wake up until
8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly.  Then the man told his secretary to take
his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.  Bewildered, she does as
he asks (thinking he was pretty weird).

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he's been.  The man replies "I cannot tell
a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.  Today we left work
early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell
asleep.  That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes.  YOU GODDAMN LIAR!!!
You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 18, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two couples were playing poker  one evening. 
Bob accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. 
When he bent  down under the table to pick them 
up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any 
underwear under her dress! 
Shocked by this, Bob upon trying to  sit back up again, 
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 

Later, Bob went to the kitchen to get  some refreshments. 
Bill's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that 
 you like under there?' 
Surprised by her boldness, Bob admitted that, well indeed he did. 
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $100.' 

After taking a minute or two to assess  the financial and moral 
costs of this offer, Bob confirms that he is interested. 

Sue told him that since her husband  Bill worked Friday 
afternoons and Bob didn't, Bob should be at her house around 2 p.m. 
Friday afternoon. 

When Friday  rolled around, Bob showed up at Bill's house at 2 p..m. 
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $100 - they went to the 
bedroom and closed their  transaction, as agreed. 

Bob quickly dressed and  left. 

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6  p.m. And upon arriving, 
asked his wife: 'Did Bob come by the house this  afternoon?' 

With a lump in her throat Sue  answered 'Why yes, he did stop by 
for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her  heart nearly skipped a beat 
when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $100?' 

Sue, using her best poker face,  replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did 
give me $100.' 

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face,  surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and  borrowed $100 from me. 
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home 
and pay me back.' 





For his final project in a statistics class, a student
decides to conduct a survey and to make it interesting he
chooses to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher
instructs that a sample of minimum 100 is required, so he
sets out to visit a fairly large apartment building near the
university.

He knocks on the first door and a man answers. "Sir, what is
your name?" asked the student.

"John," says the man.

"Sir, I'm doing a college study and would like to know
what's your favorite pastime is?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.

He goes to the next door and asks, "Sir, what is your name?"
"Jeff," says the man.
"Sir, would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.

Quite amused by the same answer, he goes on to ask a good
number of people in the building and to his surprise all
residents of that building reply the same.

He leaves the building and walks across the street. At the
first house, he knocks and an attractive sorority girl opens
the door.

The boy starts again, "What is your name?"

"Bubbles!"
 

Judy decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the
hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change the beds. 
Her instructor arrived in the room Just in time to hear the male patient 
give a howl of pain.

The teacher took Judy to one side and said. " When we make the beds,
we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against
his back. 
We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. 
We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him. "


A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
drowning herself .  She went down to the docks and was about to leap
into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering
on the edge of the pier, crying.  

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.  
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away 
on my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.  
Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".  

The girl nodded "yes".
After all, what did she have to lose?  That night, the sailor brought
her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.  From then on, every night he
brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn.  Three weeks later, during a routine
inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.  
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.  
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.  
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." 

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said.
"This is the Mackinaw Island ferry."


Behind every successful man is a surprised and 
disbelieving mother-in-law.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 17, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door
and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and
says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour
and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a
friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy
and see where he goes." 

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. 
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your wife."





Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father, for I have sinned. I have been with a sexy woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is me."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her
reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance. But you must
atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers
and four Hail Mary's.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and
three good leads."
 

A woman starts dating a doctor.  Before too long, she
becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is
going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital
for a prostate gland infection.  The doctor says to
the woman, "I know what we'll do.  After I've operated
on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him
it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on
the priest.  After the operation he goes in to the
priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe
this."

"What?" says the priest.  "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor.  "It's
a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he
must tell his son the truth.  One day he sits the boy
down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm
not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother.  The bishop
is your father."


There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she had a man on her brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.


My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening 
up in her neighborhood.

"How convenient," she said. "I can walk to it!"

Probably a good place to pick up guys with cars '-)




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 16, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Jon, Brian, and Bubba were all locked away in a mental
institution for many many years.  (Where they belonged, mind
you.)

One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he
wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally
competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail,
however, they'd be locked away for another five years of
observation.

All three took the doc up on his offer.  The four of them went to
the hospital's indoor pool.  The pool had been drained.  
The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform

The doctor motions to Jon.  "Jump."

Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the
pool, breaking both arms in the process.

The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."

Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the
empty poll, breaking both of his legs.

After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells
Bubba, "Jump."

Bubba shakes his head.  "Naw.  I don't think so."

The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically
and says, "Congratulations, Bubba.  You're a free man.  Just
tell me one thing.  Why didn't you jump?"

"That's easy," Bubba says, "I can't swim."



Looks like the cable company priced itself out of business!


A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to
marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage
money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The
third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

Which one does he end up marrying? 
The one with the biggest boobs.
 

Goldboig and Goldstein were two fine fellows from the
Bwronx who had some money to inwest.  They considered
long and hard how to inwest it for the best pwrofit.  But they
kept running into foreseen eventualities that would hinder
their business.  For example, Goldboig said, "Nu! So ve open
a tailor shop and sell the finest clothes!"  to which Goldstein
says, "and tell me then, vhich von from us know the materials?
I can't sew, maybe you could??" and Goldboig was forced to agree
that it was not a good idea.  Finally Goldstein suggests that they
open a funeral parlor but Goldboig points out "You're CWRAZY!!
Ve tuch a stiff, ve are unclean, TRAFE, and can't even go to our
own house!"  "Yaah, dot's wright." says Goldstein.  After about
five more potential investments have fatal flaws, Goldboig pipes
up,
"I got it.  I got it.  Ve'll go into the wreligious arrrtifact business!
Ve'll get wrich making  cwrucifixes!"  

Goldstein retorts "Und WHO vould buy a cwrucifix from Goldboig 
and Goldstein???"
Goldboig says, "Vhy don't ve chust twry to call the cwrucifix
company and see if dey vill sell to us?"  to which Goldstein says, 

"OK, go ahead."

Goldboig gets on the phone and says "Allo! Ace Crucifix Company!
Dis is Goldboig of Goldboig and Goldstein.  Ve'd like to order
tvelve dozen gwross cwrucifixes!"  

The voice comes back from the other end,
"Vas you vanting dem mit or mitout the Chesuses??"


A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and
groom's  families had a storming rage and begin wrecking
the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of
each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in
court.  The fight continues in the court room until the
Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer,
shouting "Silence in Court."

The  court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man)
stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the
wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy
begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the
first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance,
the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second
song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing
to the third  song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt
over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an
unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of me fingers and I
couldn't hit anybody properly during the entire wedding fight!"


 A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular
newspaper
and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street
who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual
intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The
questioner smiled.
"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman.
" But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a
seventy-two year old priest with no car"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD