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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, November 19, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on a remote island. One morning the sailor climbed up a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop screwing down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband asked when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love!" "Sorry" said the sailor, "From up there it really looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled up the same coconut tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, one morning the husband decided to climb up the coconut tree and see for himself. With great difficulty he made his way to the top and looked down... then says to himself, "Oh my God, he's right!!! It does look like they're really making love down there!!!" David comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and yelling at her. "How could you give the paperboy a blowjob when you know dam well it's the milkman we owe money to?" 
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and what time I want... and I don't want any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner on the table unless I tell you otherwise! I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want, with my buddies... and you won't give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride looked him straight in his eyes and said, "No that's fine with me! Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not!!!" The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy guess what?! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then Daddy got on top of her..." Sonny's mother held up her hand over Sonny's mouth and said, "Not another word... wait until your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me!" As the father walked into the house his wife told him, "I'm leaving you!!! I'm packing now and..." "But why???" asked the startled father. His wife called their son and said, "Go ahead Sonny. Tell Daddy just what you told me." "Well..." Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did the same as what you did with Uncle John when Daddy was away in summer." Safe Fax Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax strangers every day. Q. My parents said that they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think one should be before they fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure. Q. If I fax something, will I go blind? A. Certainly not, a s far as we can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal? A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great. Q. Should I always use a cover when faxing? A. Unless you're really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax. Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax prematurely? A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again! Q. I have a personal, and a business, fax. Can transmissions be mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover sheet with each and every one, you won't transmit anything that you are not supposed to.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, November 18, 2009 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely undressed except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat." Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me." 
Not again!
A pretty lady was visiting the new doctor in town for the first time. She found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that you are used to the complete eye examination, not just the short one I had scheduled you for. I better cancel all other appointments for the rest of the afternoon." A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's pate while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's butt." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also felt his gleaming head. "You're right," he said, "it does! Your wife sure does have a smooth one." A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run. When he delivered the milk at one house, a beautiful woman answered the door wearing a transparent nightie. This happened every morning from Monday to Thursday. On Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so he zipped down his fly and took out his penis fully erect and he rang the doorbell to deliver the milk. To his surprise a man of six- five, 250 lbs and with a hairy barrel chest answered the door. The quick thinking milkman said, "If you don't pay for your milk today I'll piss all over your porch!".
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, November 17, 2009 "A man is only as old as the woman he feels." -- Groucho Marx Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Doc: "George, you're a 71-year-old man and may have lost interest in sex. There is nothing that I as your doctor can do to help you." George: "Nope, but your nurse sure could!" A friend of mine was in the hospital, about to give birth to her first child. When I telephoned to see how she was doing and ask if the baby had arrived safely, the nurse said it had and my friend was doing fine. "Did she have a boy or a girl?" I asked. "I'm sorry," the nurse replied, "privacy laws will not allow us to give out that information." "All right, I can understand that," I said. "Let me try this: Can you tell me what she *didn't* have?" "It wasn't a boy," came the prompt reply. 
A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never had a chance to duck .. This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter. "Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter" The Reply to the above: "Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways" And the Counter-Reply was: "Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Commuter" Science was a breath of fresh air Within my whole High School career The only school class Where you could smell gas That wasn't from your classmate's rear
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, November 16, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen." A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!!! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." 
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing Could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator......." The very first sex education classes were in the 50's. Naturally, some of the teachers were embarrassed and used only very carefully chosen words. In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of the male genitalia. He said, "The human male testicles are about the size of Plover's eggs." A female voice from the back quipped, "Hey... Neat !!! I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were." Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at the beach. And it turned out to be a nudist beach. They were watching the various young women agog. When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the men said, "I'd like to give her a hug." "I'd like to give her a kiss," said the second man. And the third old man said, "What was that other thing we used to do?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, November 15, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get divorced?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." Mary and her new boyfriend were at her son's volleyball game when she noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had a hand on her chest. Mary said to her boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball." 
Did you hear about the fellow who told his buddy, "I don't know what to get my wife for our anniversary. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" his buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!" A lady said to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He sayspondered, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She replied, "Hmmm, how much for all night?" Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks, in shock: "What the did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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