Good Morning 
It's Friday,  December 18, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."


Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?" 

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, 
may even walk again....some day.






What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in
common?

Both were intended for children, but it's the father who
plays with them.


Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a
cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to
sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting
rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention
called a condom which works really well for this problem.
You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put
the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all
later.'

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could
find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the
pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked
up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do
for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon
enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said
the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was
almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his
professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large,
extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size
for a Camel?'


When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her
best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew
toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleep overs would
have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around
the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory
could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally
come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host
announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 17, 2009

It just occurred to me, since Canada's forests and prairies convert 
more CO2 to O2, than we produce CO2, Socialist polluters like 
Zimbabwe, Tuvalis, Venezuela, etc. should be forced to buy Carbon 
credits from us! And the English better watch their farting too!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The old perfesser was shopping the other day and wound
up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous young lady.
He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his
mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling. The lady
caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring
her shopping bag.
"So, old man," she said, "are you often troubled by
indecent thoughts?"
The old perfesser smiled and replied, "No, ma'am, not
troubled at all. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."


Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really
down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem
was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had
our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat
Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."


Your Turn To Shovel the Driveway!



A small town is someplace, 
where everybody knows whose whiskey is good 
and whose wife isn't.


Greg went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "Greg, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?

Greg replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to
go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then
(poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Greg's wife. "Keli,"
he said, "Greg is just fine. Physically he's great.  But I had to
call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that
he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the
bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Keli exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

---
Must be an old joke!
DearWebby replaced my old light switches with motion detector
light switches in the hallway, pantry, coffee-machine corner in the 
kitchen and the bathroom entrance almost 10 years ago. 

I tried telling people that God turns the lights on for me, because 
he likes watching the sexy way I walk, but they don't believe me.
I sure like my sexy motion lights, though, and could never go back
to manual lights again.
Thanks DearWebby!


Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher.

"There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire
and...er... water... and---oh, yes---screwing."

The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That
filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?"

"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends,"  answered
Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing, he's really in his
element. By the way, it's not filthy, if you shower first."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 16, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop
mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job
was really starting to wear him down.

The chief told the young policeman that when he was a
young cop, whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go
home and make love like crazy with his wife for about an
hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him
to return to work with a much better outlook.

The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it
sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it
helped.

The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how
things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just
that morning he had experienced extreme stress and had
followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt
great.

After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie
abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost
forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb
chops for dinner."


Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does
this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own
this parrot. He spent years in a whore house and his language is foul."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back home, she uncovered his cage
and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her
straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." 

Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began 
admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed.

At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's
history, they too, laughed.

After a while Bill entered the living quarters. The parrot
looked at him and said, "Hi, Bill!"

---
Now why would I nt be surprised if somebody rewrote that and sent
it back with Bill's name changed to Tiger?


Elmer is a good pig catcher, but doesn't want to let them go.



A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to
"go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and
starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way
and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this,
he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?"
She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with you
and no money -
just looking."


A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door
of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all
over his arms answers the door. 

She proclaimed "I want to join your biker club". 

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain
biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her
"You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over
there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her
"Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool". 

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been 
picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but
I've been swung around by my nipples quite a few times."


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog
and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices
the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
siren".


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 15, 2009
and the temperature is -30º
by the thermometer outside my window.
It is supposed to warm up to just a few degrees
below seasonal averages tomorrow.
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder



Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part
of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests.
So together Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both
meaning and spelling of the words.

A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test.
He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock". 
Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence?
        "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" --
only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L".

Donna said there was no comment on the test,
just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.


Patient: "Nurse, during my operation I heard the surgeon
use a four-letter word that upset me very much."

Nurse:  "What word was that?"

Patient:  "Oops!"

Nurse: "Don't worry. That 'Oops' was for his elbow hitting
my boob when I got too close."




What is THAT?


There was once this woman who lived with her 5 yr old kid,her husband
and a maid.
One day her kids having a bath with her and points to her vagina and
asks "mummy mummy whats that?"
The mum goes, "thats my sponge honey."
One day the mum has an operation and has her sponge shaved off. When she
gets home and is having a shower her daughter walks in and asks, "mummy
mummy where's your sponge?"
Mum goes, " Oh I lost it."
One day the little kid runs to her mum and goes "mummy mummy I found
your sponge !"
Mum goes "oh yeah?.....where???"
Kid goes "the Maid is washing Daddy's face with it."


A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers that his wife
had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to
get any sex.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" 

He replied: "Probably until my girlfriend dies." 


Friday Floyd was on his way home to pick up his wife so they could go
out dancing.
On the way Floyd saw a beautiful young lady hitch hiking and so Floyd
gives her a ride. When they arrive at the place the young lady is going
to, she gets out and tells Floyd he was very kind for giving her a ride.

After picking up his wife Floyd notices a high heel on the floor board
and thought "Oh no, if she sees that I'll catch all kinds of grief." So
when his wife was not looking he grabbed the shoe and threw it out the
window.

When they arrive at the dance hall, his wife is looking all around
suspiciously. Nervously Floyd asked her what was the matter. She
replies, "I can't find my shoe, I know I had it when I got into the
car...Have you seen it?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 14, 2009
and the temperature is -31º
by the thermometer outside my window, 
not by a consensus of grant scavengers.
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder



Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things
are getting pretty hot and heavy.
'Kiss me on the lips' she said...so he kissed her on the lips 'Kiss me
on the neck' she said...so he kissed her on the neck 'Kiss me on the
shoulder' she said...so he kissed her on the shoulder 'Kiss me on the
breast' she said...so he kissed her on the breast 'Kiss me on the belly'
she said...so he kissed her on the belly 'Kiss me on the thigh' she
said...so he kissed her on the thigh 'Kiss me where it smells' she
said...so he drove her to New Jersey.


Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to
bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about
what they were burying. "This here`s a big mule!" "This ain`t no mule,
this here`s a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while
until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We`re
diggin` a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in,
"Boys, this isn`t either one, it`s an ass!" An hour later, the camp
commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir, we`re diggin` an asshole."




What is THAT?


In 1874, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas.
In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East.
The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said,
"Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob."
The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn
right between the eyes.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!"
The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to
keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars,"
and added with a smirk, "plus a tip."


Jack and Jill went up the hill 
With a keg of brandy 
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack Jill and Andy

Jack and Jill Went up the hill 
And planned to do some kissing . 
Jack made a pass, 
and grabbed her ass 
Now two of his front teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill 
Both carrying a bucket. 
When Jill bent down 
Her ass was round
So Jack decided to .... read a good book


A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, 
"Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." 

The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him 
various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks
the man to identify it. 

The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people screwing!"

Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, 
"One man jerking off."

Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient
identifies as, "Two women and one man screwing."

The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, 
"Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."

To which the man replies, "Me? You silly quack!! 
You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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