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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, October 18, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other "So, what do you hunt?" He answered "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. They like posing with virgins. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" 
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free." "That's right," replies the madam, "on Tuesdays we're on cable..." A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!" The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch! He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life. The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea." "That wife of mine is a liar and a cheat ," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar and a cheat. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, October 17, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
What is the one thing that all women in singles bars have in common? They're married and the un-tanned line, where their ring is, when they are at home, is just as visible as a ring would be. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Thasch why you alwaysch feel scho schmart affer a few beers. 
Plane repaired with duck tape after bear attack
In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term. One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?" "Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas." Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "OOOPS!." The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number." Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, October 16, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband...the mail man!!" One day before class, Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Figpot saw the fly sitting on the notebook and smashed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the grade book once again. Again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Figpot crazy. She started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book turned into a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Figpot called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a you naked on the fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick." 
Balance
Houndslow had handled all of Harrington's legal affairs for years, and one day he had to make a difficult telephone call to his old acquaintance. Being the forthright type, he got right to the point. "Harrington, I have some terrible news and some really awful news." The businessman sat down and disconnected the speakerphone. "Shoot, Houndslow." "The terrible news is that your wife found a picture that's going to be worth several hundred thousand dollars," the lawyer informed him. "That's the terrible news?" Harrington was intrigued. "I can hardly wait to hear the really awful news." "It's a picture of you and your receptionist." The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!" Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!" This beautiful young blonde walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, October 15, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Thanks to the folks from Erie for this one: Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies said, "We bet we can tell how old you are." The old man said "there ain't no way you can guess it". One of the old ladies said: "Sure we can. Drop your pants!" He did. The old ladies stared at him for a while, each handled the goods and turned them every which way, and then said, "You're 74 years old!" The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?" The old ladies, laughing and slapping their knees, "We were at your birthday party yesterday". ALL THE COUNTRIES HAD TO WRITE A BOOK ON ELEPHANTS Jere aer some: The French book The Sex Life of the Elephant The English book Elephants I have Shot on Safari The Welsh book The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture The American book How to use Elephants for getting a grant The Japanese book How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants The Finnish book What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People The German book A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6 The Icelandic book Defrosting an Elephant The Canadian book Are Elephants a Federal or a Provincial Issue? The Swedish book How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant The Swiss book The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants: Tourism then and now The Israeli book How Elephants trouble for the Jews made The Danish book Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them 
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They're my knots," he answers. Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope" Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!" There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade." St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!" St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!" West Virginia hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man, he was issued a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off. On the third day the Army issued him a tooth brush. On the fourth day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On the fifth day he was issued a jock strap... that afternoon Herman jumped the fence, and has not been seen since.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, October 14, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Three ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'." Since the third woman sips her coffee in silence, the first two women give her this subtle "Well...?" Finally she responds: "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, the women say, "Oh, my God...." A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions for an order of monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all of their sins. 'Oh Father,' said the nun. 'It couldn't have been that bad.' The priest replied, 'Oh it was worse than you can imagine. It was like being stoned to death with popcorn and marshmallows.' 
A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace." Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?" "My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95" "Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty." "Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll." "Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had." "Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her." Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."" The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED! Billy sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than planned. Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man. Bitterly, Billy kicked them out of the house, and started to plan a course of action. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his soon to be EX mother-in- law. She believed that there was no doubt a good explanation for her daughter's behavior. Billy told her to buzz off. The next day his mother-in-law called again. "Didn't I tell you?" she said. "Didn't I tell you there was an explanation? I just got through talking to your wife. She never got your email! It's all YOUR fault!" Fools have never had a problem finding fooler people to admire them. I read that Zero just got the Heisman Trophy for promising to tell somebody to watch football games.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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