|     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 18



Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Correction from Moe:
There are THREE  times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage,
during marriage
and after marriage



A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher t
hat he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer
any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade
and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The
principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case.
The principal looked at the teacher and told her,

"I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexually
orineted wisecracks, said to the principal,
"Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look
on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade.
I missed the last two questions myself!!!"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!


(They will receive a confirmation request)



Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally
consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter
fixed her up with.

Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know
how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned
twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again,
aren't you?"





Click through the picture for full size

 



There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived
in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had
to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted
up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the
lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a
way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll the page down)









What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo!! Her husband speaks English!!!!!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The AMA and NZMA have declared that the long term 
implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more 
fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has 
been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's 
Disease research. 

It is now projected that by the year 2020 there will be 
thirty million people wandering around with huge breasts and 
erections who are unable to remember what to do with them.

Actually, I think tha is already happening!



The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing
his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil. 

"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to 
lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from 
which would he drink?" 

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up, 
"Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

 The priest, elated, said, "Very good,
my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?" 

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, 
"Sure I can tell ye' why, Father.
Because he's a dumb ass."



	Sable Horses

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 17

The town of Slave Lake, six hours straight North from here on the
#2 (Just set your cruise control to 19 above the speed limit like
everybody else) has been artially wiped out by a wild fire.



Click through for full size

Calgary sent 9 big fire trucks and over 50 guys up there Monday 
morning, Edmonton sent 5 trucks, and help is also trickling in
from smaller towns. So far Alberta has deployed more than  
1,500 firefighters, over 150 helicopters, 20 air tankers and scores 
of heavy ground-based machines. 

WOW! Mobilizing such a force on a Sunday, and at the same
time evacuating a town ahead of a fire storm, that is approaching 
at a speed of 100 km/h (60 miles per hour) that is AWESOME!

What is even more awesome, is that there have been no injuries
or deaths. Can you imagine a high speed evacuation of YOUR 
town, with a fire storm approaching at 60 miles per hour,
and nobody tripping over their toddlers and bashing their 
brains out?

Thanks to the RCMP and the firefighters, NOBODY got hurt.
Awesome!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."



A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came
out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" 

"Yeah," he said, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody 
tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"




Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)










Click through the picture for full size
Montana Mountain Lion


 



Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.
Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?" 

Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."



There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage



	 Pandoras Box

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 16

I invented a new meal today!
Impressed with how much pearl barley expands, I wanted to
experiment. The rule of thumb is 5 times as much water as 
barley. So I tried a handful of barley, a handful of dry
(very dry and rock hard) prunes, some cinnamon, and
six cups of water. I let it simmer in the crock pot, but
stirred it now and then. 

Naturally, I also tasted a bit withthe wooden spoon. It
occurred to me, that it needed a bit of mystery added,
so I sprinkled some ground cloves into it.

By the time it was ready, it was nearly perfect. 
I had an apple, so I cut it into little bits and pieces,
and once I had ladled it onto a soup plate, sprinkled 
the apple bits on top of it  That made it perfect!

I dumped the left-overs into two ziplock bags for
freezing. I bet, by adding some Vanilla when I reheat 
one of the leftovers, it will be like a really fancy
tapioca pudding.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks
in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude.

The mother-in-law said, "What the heck are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in- law,
"We haven't made love in a while, so I wore it."

So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that."

She goes home and her husband wasn't home yet, so she
undressed.
Two hours went by and finally she heard her husband's car.
He walks in the front door and says, "What the heeck are
you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.

"Well," responds the husband, with a grin, "it does look like
it needs to be pressed here and there!"



Doris was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her
boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.

"I don't mind lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck,"
she answered.



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



There was a little girl and a little boy walking down the 
street when suddenly they see two cows fucking. The girl 
asks, "What are they doing?", and the boy replies, "Oh they 
are rope jumping." So, they continue to walk and see two 
dogs fucking. 

The girl confused again asks, " What are they doing?", and 
they boy replies,"Oh they are rope jumping too." 

"Why don't we jump rope!" says the girl. 
So, they go behind a barn and the girl and boy starts to f**k. 

She then tugs at his balls and asks,"What are these?" 
The boy replies, "Knots." And the girl says, 

"Well, why don't you take out the knots? I need to
get more rope!





Click through the picture for full size

 



A New York businessman, while he is on a business trip to 
Myrtle Beach, SC, sends a telegram to his wife:  
"I wish you were here." 

The message received by wife:  "I wish you were her."

She was there before nightfall.




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for a divorce. 

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." 
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister 
in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife 
are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making 
love to her by mistake." 

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," 
the judge said. 

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. 
That's why I want the divorce." he replied.



Cindy always claimed to feel bad
when a bird would slam head-first into her
living room window.

If she *really* felt bad, though,she'd have moved
the bird feeder outside.



	 650 CC

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 15

Thanks Catherine!
Thanks Neil

OK, I get the hint.
World politics is not appropriate from somebody with my 
bra size. Talking about food seems to go over much better.

Maria invited me to come over and fix the arms of her swivel
chair. The front ends had gotten damaged from getting wedged
under the edge of her desk.

Naturally I timed my visit to just before supper time. 

The arms of her chair were just a vinyl fake leather, not a big
deal, as long as you don't ruin it by trying it with a wrong 
glue first. I injected some rubber glue inside to glue the 
broken foam, fixed the vinyl with two component vinyl and
covered it tightly with Saran wrap.  
"It will be ready after supper."

Maria hauled out a Polenta stick, and cut a bunch of slices.
Then she made some French Toast mix with eggs, cinnamon,
vanilla, Stevia and a spoon full rye flour and a spoon
full milk, while the frying pan was heating up.

Then she dipped the Polenta slices in the mix, and fried them,
until they were hazelnut brown.

She plunked four slices on each plate, and put a dab of
tart rhubarb-strawberry jam onto the middle of each.

Delicious! Memorable,
and also very cheap and very easy to make in a hurry.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with
the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking
chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said:
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you
have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have
decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely
wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of
the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the
Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I
wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."

At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling
inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining,
what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and
said, "I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome
young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then
before them stood a young man with the looks and body
that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations
Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was
gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked
into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, stretched and showed
off his muscular build, then curled up on the couch and closed
his eyes with a sigh.

He briefly re-opend his eyes and whispered:
"I bet that now you regret having me neutered at the vet,
don't you?"



There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and
one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other
across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an
angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient
through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,
you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've
wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath
and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen
minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change
positions."!!!!!

 "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down,
 and YOU crap on its head."



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to
'tinkle.' 

One day Little Johnny's grandpa paid them a visit. He was
lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him 
and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper." 

Without opening his eyes, his grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear." 

When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several 
blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. 

Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny 
have to whisper?" 

"Yes!" the old man yelled, 
"Thank God he didn't have to shout!"





Click through the picture for full size

 



A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello."

A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me
to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body
all over and make rough love to you." 

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and 
replies, "You can tell all this from the way I said 'Hello?'"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about
me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" 

"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. 

"You're the first one," she gulped. 

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked incredulously.

"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."



From Bill:
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"



	 NASCAR

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 14

No donations in May so far. However, Maryann, my neighbor,
did some cleaning up in her pantry. I got a can of Chef 
Boujardee Lasagna, because "it is so thin, you might as well
call it a soup", and 3/4 of a bag of Perl Barley. "That stuff will
burn on, no matter what you do!"

Well, I know the secret to Perl Barley. Don't do your email
while it is cooking! It takes plenty of water, and frequent
stirring, and more addition of water. And don't give up until 
it is the size of perls, otherwise it will expand to that size
AFTER you have eaten. Not nice at all!

So I spiced the barley with lovage, cloves, nutmeg, 
parsley and onion flakes, and a heaping tablespoon full
of fake bacon bits from the Dollar Store.

Then I let it simmer, while I did the dishes and the floors,
and stirred it a bit every time I walked by. Twice I also
added more water.

It was ready when I was, and tasted delicious!
My big soup bowl used up a quarter of the pot. That
stuff always expands more than I figure.
Tomorrow I will add that can of fake Lasagna to
it. That will thicken it up and change the flavor.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Once again, Little Johnny was in trouble, but this time it 
was serious. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, 
and although the crime appeared to be highly improbable, the 
state's evidence was overwhelming. 

As a last desperate move, the defense attorney went over to 
the witness stand, pulled Little Johnny's pants down and 
grabbed hold of the boy's tiny penis for all to see. 

Turning towards the jury box, the lawyer cried, "Ladies and 
gentlemen, surely you cannot believe that such a small, 
still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more 
agitated, he continued, "How could this miniature member 
possibly be capable of even an erection, let alone the rape 
of a grown woman!" 

"Careful!" Little Johnny yelped, "One more shake and you're 
going to lose the case!"



By popular demand, here it is again:


Click through for large high-res printable size. 



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!


(They will receive a confirmation request)



Alzheimer's Test How fast can you guess these words with missing letters? 

1. F_ _K 
2. PU_S_ 
3. S_X 
4. P_N_S 
5. BOO_S 
6. _ _NDOM 




Answers: 
1. FORK 
2. PULSE 
3. SIX 
4. PANTS 
5. BOOKS 
6. RANDOM 

You got all 6 wrong didn't you? 

Well, Congratulations! 
You don't have Alzheimer's - and you are quite normal..





Click through the picture for full size

 



Seated at the breakfast table, Rosey was bent over in
pain, and complained to her husband, "My head aches, I
have a pain in my stomach, and my left breast feels
like it's on fire."

"Poor girl," solaced hubby, "Here's an aspirin for
your head, alka seltzer for your stomach, and if you
lift your breast out of the hot oatmeal, I'm sure it
won't burn so much.."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so 
she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them 
mounted?' asked the taxidermist. 

To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just 
fine.'



Andy was out playing golf when his ball landed on the rough 
in a patch of buttercups. Just as he lifted his club in the 
air, he heard a faint voice, "Please, don’t hurt my 
buttercups." 

Startled, he lowered his club and took a look around to 
confirm that he was alone. Satisfied that he was, he began 
to raise his club when he again heard the same voice, a 
little louder this time, "Please, don't hurt my buttercups." 

Unsure of what to make of it, he spoke aloud, "Hello? Is 
anyone out there?" Immediately, a small fairy appeared 
before him. "I am the forest fairy. If you don't hurt my 
buttercups, then I shall give you all the butter you want 
for the rest of your life." 

"Where the hell were you when I was in the pussywillows?" 
Andy replied.



	 Hang Gliding