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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 17, 2009 It just occurred to me, since Canada's forests and prairies convert more CO2 to O2, than we produce CO2, Socialist polluters like Zimbabwe, Tuvalis, Venezuela, etc. should be forced to buy Carbon credits from us! And the English better watch their farting too! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The old perfesser was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous young lady. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling. The lady caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her shopping bag. "So, old man," she said, "are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?" The old perfesser smiled and replied, "No, ma'am, not troubled at all. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them." Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too." 
Your Turn To Shovel the Driveway!
A small town is someplace, where everybody knows whose whiskey is good and whose wife isn't. Greg went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "Greg, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God? Greg replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Greg's wife. "Keli," he said, "Greg is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Keli exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" --- Must be an old joke! DearWebby replaced my old light switches with motion detector light switches in the hallway, pantry, coffee-machine corner in the kitchen and the bathroom entrance almost 10 years ago. I tried telling people that God turns the lights on for me, because he likes watching the sexy way I walk, but they don't believe me. I sure like my sexy motion lights, though, and could never go back to manual lights again. Thanks DearWebby! Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher. "There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire and...er... water... and---oh, yes---screwing." The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?" "I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing, he's really in his element. By the way, it's not filthy, if you shower first."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, December 16, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down. The chief told the young policeman that when he was a young cop, whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and make love like crazy with his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook. The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped. The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning he had experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great. After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner." Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent years in a whore house and his language is foul." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back home, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed. After a while Bill entered the living quarters. The parrot looked at him and said, "Hi, Bill!" --- Now why would I nt be surprised if somebody rewrote that and sent it back with Bill's name changed to Tiger? 
Elmer is a good pig catcher, but doesn't want to let them go.
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?" She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with you and no money - just looking." A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaimed "I want to join your biker club". The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool". The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?". The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples quite a few times." A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, December 15, 2009 and the temperature is -30º by the thermometer outside my window. It is supposed to warm up to just a few degrees below seasonal averages tomorrow. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So together Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words. A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock". Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" -- only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L". Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen. Patient: "Nurse, during my operation I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much." Nurse: "What word was that?" Patient: "Oops!" Nurse: "Don't worry. That 'Oops' was for his elbow hitting my boob when I got too close." 
What is THAT?
There was once this woman who lived with her 5 yr old kid,her husband and a maid. One day her kids having a bath with her and points to her vagina and asks "mummy mummy whats that?" The mum goes, "thats my sponge honey." One day the mum has an operation and has her sponge shaved off. When she gets home and is having a shower her daughter walks in and asks, "mummy mummy where's your sponge?" Mum goes, " Oh I lost it." One day the little kid runs to her mum and goes "mummy mummy I found your sponge !" Mum goes "oh yeah?.....where???" Kid goes "the Maid is washing Daddy's face with it." A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" He replied: "Probably until my girlfriend dies." Friday Floyd was on his way home to pick up his wife so they could go out dancing. On the way Floyd saw a beautiful young lady hitch hiking and so Floyd gives her a ride. When they arrive at the place the young lady is going to, she gets out and tells Floyd he was very kind for giving her a ride. After picking up his wife Floyd notices a high heel on the floor board and thought "Oh no, if she sees that I'll catch all kinds of grief." So when his wife was not looking he grabbed the shoe and threw it out the window. When they arrive at the dance hall, his wife is looking all around suspiciously. Nervously Floyd asked her what was the matter. She replies, "I can't find my shoe, I know I had it when I got into the car...Have you seen it?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, December 14, 2009 and the temperature is -31º by the thermometer outside my window, not by a consensus of grant scavengers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. 'Kiss me on the lips' she said...so he kissed her on the lips 'Kiss me on the neck' she said...so he kissed her on the neck 'Kiss me on the shoulder' she said...so he kissed her on the shoulder 'Kiss me on the breast' she said...so he kissed her on the breast 'Kiss me on the belly' she said...so he kissed her on the belly 'Kiss me on the thigh' she said...so he kissed her on the thigh 'Kiss me where it smells' she said...so he drove her to New Jersey. Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here`s a big mule!" "This ain`t no mule, this here`s a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We`re diggin` a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn`t either one, it`s an ass!" An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir, we`re diggin` an asshole." 
What is THAT?
In 1874, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob." The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn right between the eyes. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars," and added with a smirk, "plus a tip." Jack and Jill went up the hill With a keg of brandy Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed Now it's Jack Jill and Andy Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing . Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass Now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill Went up the hill Both carrying a bucket. When Jill bent down Her ass was round So Jack decided to .... read a good book A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people screwing!" Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man jerking off." Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "Two women and one man screwing." The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "Me? You silly quack!! You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, December 13, 2009 and the temperature is -28º by the thermometer outside my window, not by a consensus of grant scavengers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it." Q: How can I avoid always being handed other peoples' drooling brats? A: Drop one or two. 
Al Gore's Friends with snow on their faces
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Scotsman were out at the beach. Suddenly they spied a beautiful mermaid sunning herself in a shoal. The Frenchman walked up to her with desire in his eyes and said, "Beautiful mermaid, have you ever been keesed?" The mermaid said "No, I haven't." So the Frenchman said, "Zen I weel show you." And the Frenchman kissed the beautiful mermaid passionately for half an hour. Then the Italian spoke up. "Mermaid, have-a you ever been fondled?" The mermaid said "No", So the Italian said "Then I will-a show you." And the Italian passionately fondled the mermaid for half an hour. Then the Scotsman spoke. "Byootiful mairmaid, have ye ever been skrooed?" The mermaid said, "No, I haven't." To this the Scotsman replied, "Well ye are now, the tide went out an hour ago!" A woman, not known for her purity, was preparing for her marriage. She approached her mother for advice on how to fool her husband to be into thinking she was a virgin. "Put a cork in it and let him try to get it in. After a while excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and pull the cork out. Then return and tell him you used Grandma's Goose Grease." The wedding goes on and the woman follows her mother's advice and it works perfectly. Several days later her lineman husband was working on a telephone pole when a bird sat above him and shit on his head. He looked up, shook his fist at the bird and said "You better watch it. I'll get Grandma's Goose Grease and shove this pole up your ass!" Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright." He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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