Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 17, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19 place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

The weather warmed up to a more seasonal -12.
I dug out the outside Christmas lights and might put them up today.
Who knows, I might get into the spirit yet.


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 



Somebody has to do it!

Jill was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As
the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the
night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who
had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate
who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the
most successful, etc. And Jill wondered if she was going to get a prize
too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Jill,
you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in "And
champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy
size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Jill replied. "Isn't it obvious with these
many kids, that I've never had a headache in my life?"


A boy and a girl were behind a barn one day.

The girl told the boy, "I have to quit eating chicken,
because I am growing chicken hair."

The boy in disbelief said, "let me see." So the girl pulls
down here pants and panties and says "see". "You sure do."
said the boy.

Well the boy says "I have to quit eating chicken because I
am growing chicken hair too." The girl says, "let me see."

The boy pulls down his pants and underwear and the girl
says, "It's too late for you, you already have the neck
and gizzards."


The boss was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them. They left
the office for her place and made passionate love
all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep,
and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the
boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary
to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his
unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then,
the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced
home.

"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife
when he finally entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been having
sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up
just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I
could."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"Don't lie to me, you bastard! I know you've
been out playing golf again!"


Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a
Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is
a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence.

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard
bodied stripper. When he walks into a room,
the women, 'Oh my God...'"


A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a
small island. As he regained consciousness on the
beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet
standing over him. "Would you like some food?"
she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna'
ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra
hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came
back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would
you like something to drink?" she asked.

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry
and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned
Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old
single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was
beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then,
the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said
"Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf
course here too!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 16, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19th place! After they reset the votes
to zero on January 1st, Dear Webby, watch out!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

It warmed up nicely here, to -21, but it sure is windy.
With any luck the wind will blow most of the snow
to the country, where they claim to have Gullible Warming.


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 


Grampa's Christmas Tree

Super-computer 
They say that the new super computer knows everything. 
A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" 
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back 
with: "Your father is fishing in Michigan." 

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this 
was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." 

No, replied the super computer immediately. Your mothers 
husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just 
landed a three pound trout." 


Every morning Custer rode through the Indian
Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful
Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian 
chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised 
vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief 
means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of 
the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"


Thanks to Lisa for this story:
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone 
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. 

"Is Mike there?" I asked. 

"He's in the shower," she responded. 

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. 

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again.  This time a man 
answered.  "This is Mike," he said. 

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. 

"I know," he replied.  "That's what I've been trying to tell my 
wife for the past half-hour."  


The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did really poorly.

"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester."


The new Oklahoma preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty.  One day
he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
service lately.


He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.  When she
answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"  "No, ma'am," he replied.
"I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
Twitty.

Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street.  It turned
out to be the residence of a young widow.  At the time that the Reverend
knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower.  Hearing the
knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and
threw it open.  When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which
allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young
and luscious curves on display.."Oh my God!" she exclaimed.  "It's
Conway Twitty!"

The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."
---------
Could we conclude at that point he became a lay minister? 


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 15, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 20st place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Lovely moon tonight, but at  -34 outside, I will admire it from
inside. Was outside briefly to bring a hot toddy and a smooch 
to the fella with the snow blower, wo did my sidewalk for me.
That wind was biting hard! I sure was glad to get back inside. 


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




It has been determined that having sex before participating in
athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the
athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops,
gotta run!"


Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City.  One group is all brunette and the other is
all blonde.

Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the
brunettes hang out on the bottom level.

The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and
having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't
hear anything from the blondes upstairs.  She decides to go
and check on them.

When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat
in front of them.

"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here?  We're having a GREAT
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes replies through chattering, frightened teeth,
"Yeah, but you have a driver!"


From Donna
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked.  "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?" 
"Better get a bikini," he replied.  "You'd never get it all in one."


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. 

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' 

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.' 

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' 

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' 

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 
'Who drives you to the beach?'


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of
affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a
lack of affection at home. However, women know, if a man strays, 
it's because men are @#$%&@#$%s!


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 14, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 21st place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

-26 here right now. Might stay indoors, unless the sun comes out
or the wind slows down.


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely do have
inherited the Hinkley nose and cleft chin, but your sideburns
look like you slept in a hay loft.
Love, Grandma."


A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of 
turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little
boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in
the world, it's called turpentine." 

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world 
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it 
on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."


A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like
this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't
beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but
met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she
met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't
beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great
in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"


A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the 
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats 
are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too 
cold. The accommodations are awful.
 
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good 
luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney 
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today 
and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back 
tomorrow." 
 
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have 
some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the 
stupid stone." 
 
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." 
 
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. 
 
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks
him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the
doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 13, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 22nd place. #21 is a gay travel magazine.
I don't think you will have any problem leaving them in the dust.

Subscriptions seem to be stuck. For every new subscriber I
get a letter from somebody else telling me they had to 
UNsubscribe because they are not allowed newsletters at work,
and that they will read it on-line.

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Well, we got more snow. No gullible warming here. By April 1
ice age panic will probably become more fashionable.
THEN, just to prove them wrong, it will warm up. Betcha!
Farmer's Almanac says so too.

I am going to put up my Christmas tree tomorrow and wire
it to my computer. Dear Webby talked me into getting a $16
computer interface for my X10. No more hunting for the key
fob remote control to turn outlets on and off. Now I can 
control the whole house right from the keyboard, totally 
blonde-proof! Theoretically I can even do it over the Internet,
but I might have to read the instructions for that. We'll see,

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 





"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man
said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her
size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in
his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly
smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as
she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a
bra and panties."


A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down
together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention
was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

'Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come
together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.'

'You foul-mouthed swine,' the lady screeched indignantly. 
'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my
friend, the bishop,  how to spella Mississippi.'


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a 
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of 
her nightgown and say  "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and  finally answered, 
"I'll take the soup."


Lisa asked me what to do if her boyfriend starts smoking.
I told her to slow down a bit


Bob, a trendy dresser, fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was
delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a
girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph.

"How romantic," he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this
mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a
photo.

Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I
was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com