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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 17

The town of Slave Lake, six hours straight North from here on the
#2 (Just set your cruise control to 19 above the speed limit like
everybody else) has been artially wiped out by a wild fire.



Click through for full size

Calgary sent 9 big fire trucks and over 50 guys up there Monday 
morning, Edmonton sent 5 trucks, and help is also trickling in
from smaller towns. So far Alberta has deployed more than  
1,500 firefighters, over 150 helicopters, 20 air tankers and scores 
of heavy ground-based machines. 

WOW! Mobilizing such a force on a Sunday, and at the same
time evacuating a town ahead of a fire storm, that is approaching 
at a speed of 100 km/h (60 miles per hour) that is AWESOME!

What is even more awesome, is that there have been no injuries
or deaths. Can you imagine a high speed evacuation of YOUR 
town, with a fire storm approaching at 60 miles per hour,
and nobody tripping over their toddlers and bashing their 
brains out?

Thanks to the RCMP and the firefighters, NOBODY got hurt.
Awesome!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

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Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."



A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came
out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" 

"Yeah," he said, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody 
tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"




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Click through the picture for full size
Montana Mountain Lion


 



Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.
Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?" 

Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."



There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage



	 Pandoras Box

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 16

I invented a new meal today!
Impressed with how much pearl barley expands, I wanted to
experiment. The rule of thumb is 5 times as much water as 
barley. So I tried a handful of barley, a handful of dry
(very dry and rock hard) prunes, some cinnamon, and
six cups of water. I let it simmer in the crock pot, but
stirred it now and then. 

Naturally, I also tasted a bit withthe wooden spoon. It
occurred to me, that it needed a bit of mystery added,
so I sprinkled some ground cloves into it.

By the time it was ready, it was nearly perfect. 
I had an apple, so I cut it into little bits and pieces,
and once I had ladled it onto a soup plate, sprinkled 
the apple bits on top of it  That made it perfect!

I dumped the left-overs into two ziplock bags for
freezing. I bet, by adding some Vanilla when I reheat 
one of the leftovers, it will be like a really fancy
tapioca pudding.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks
in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude.

The mother-in-law said, "What the heck are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in- law,
"We haven't made love in a while, so I wore it."

So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that."

She goes home and her husband wasn't home yet, so she
undressed.
Two hours went by and finally she heard her husband's car.
He walks in the front door and says, "What the heeck are
you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.

"Well," responds the husband, with a grin, "it does look like
it needs to be pressed here and there!"



Doris was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her
boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.

"I don't mind lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck,"
she answered.



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There was a little girl and a little boy walking down the 
street when suddenly they see two cows fucking. The girl 
asks, "What are they doing?", and the boy replies, "Oh they 
are rope jumping." So, they continue to walk and see two 
dogs fucking. 

The girl confused again asks, " What are they doing?", and 
they boy replies,"Oh they are rope jumping too." 

"Why don't we jump rope!" says the girl. 
So, they go behind a barn and the girl and boy starts to f**k. 

She then tugs at his balls and asks,"What are these?" 
The boy replies, "Knots." And the girl says, 

"Well, why don't you take out the knots? I need to
get more rope!





Click through the picture for full size

 



A New York businessman, while he is on a business trip to 
Myrtle Beach, SC, sends a telegram to his wife:  
"I wish you were here." 

The message received by wife:  "I wish you were her."

She was there before nightfall.




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for a divorce. 

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." 
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister 
in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife 
are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making 
love to her by mistake." 

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," 
the judge said. 

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. 
That's why I want the divorce." he replied.



Cindy always claimed to feel bad
when a bird would slam head-first into her
living room window.

If she *really* felt bad, though,she'd have moved
the bird feeder outside.



	 650 CC

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 15

Thanks Catherine!
Thanks Neil

OK, I get the hint.
World politics is not appropriate from somebody with my 
bra size. Talking about food seems to go over much better.

Maria invited me to come over and fix the arms of her swivel
chair. The front ends had gotten damaged from getting wedged
under the edge of her desk.

Naturally I timed my visit to just before supper time. 

The arms of her chair were just a vinyl fake leather, not a big
deal, as long as you don't ruin it by trying it with a wrong 
glue first. I injected some rubber glue inside to glue the 
broken foam, fixed the vinyl with two component vinyl and
covered it tightly with Saran wrap.  
"It will be ready after supper."

Maria hauled out a Polenta stick, and cut a bunch of slices.
Then she made some French Toast mix with eggs, cinnamon,
vanilla, Stevia and a spoon full rye flour and a spoon
full milk, while the frying pan was heating up.

Then she dipped the Polenta slices in the mix, and fried them,
until they were hazelnut brown.

She plunked four slices on each plate, and put a dab of
tart rhubarb-strawberry jam onto the middle of each.

Delicious! Memorable,
and also very cheap and very easy to make in a hurry.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with
the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking
chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said:
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you
have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have
decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely
wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of
the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the
Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I
wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."

At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling
inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining,
what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and
said, "I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome
young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then
before them stood a young man with the looks and body
that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations
Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was
gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked
into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, stretched and showed
off his muscular build, then curled up on the couch and closed
his eyes with a sigh.

He briefly re-opend his eyes and whispered:
"I bet that now you regret having me neutered at the vet,
don't you?"



There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and
one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other
across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an
angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient
through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,
you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've
wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath
and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen
minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change
positions."!!!!!

 "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down,
 and YOU crap on its head."



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Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to
'tinkle.' 

One day Little Johnny's grandpa paid them a visit. He was
lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him 
and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper." 

Without opening his eyes, his grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear." 

When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several 
blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. 

Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny 
have to whisper?" 

"Yes!" the old man yelled, 
"Thank God he didn't have to shout!"





Click through the picture for full size

 



A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello."

A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me
to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body
all over and make rough love to you." 

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and 
replies, "You can tell all this from the way I said 'Hello?'"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about
me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" 

"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. 

"You're the first one," she gulped. 

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked incredulously.

"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."



From Bill:
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"



	 NASCAR

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 14

No donations in May so far. However, Maryann, my neighbor,
did some cleaning up in her pantry. I got a can of Chef 
Boujardee Lasagna, because "it is so thin, you might as well
call it a soup", and 3/4 of a bag of Perl Barley. "That stuff will
burn on, no matter what you do!"

Well, I know the secret to Perl Barley. Don't do your email
while it is cooking! It takes plenty of water, and frequent
stirring, and more addition of water. And don't give up until 
it is the size of perls, otherwise it will expand to that size
AFTER you have eaten. Not nice at all!

So I spiced the barley with lovage, cloves, nutmeg, 
parsley and onion flakes, and a heaping tablespoon full
of fake bacon bits from the Dollar Store.

Then I let it simmer, while I did the dishes and the floors,
and stirred it a bit every time I walked by. Twice I also
added more water.

It was ready when I was, and tasted delicious!
My big soup bowl used up a quarter of the pot. That
stuff always expands more than I figure.
Tomorrow I will add that can of fake Lasagna to
it. That will thicken it up and change the flavor.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Once again, Little Johnny was in trouble, but this time it 
was serious. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, 
and although the crime appeared to be highly improbable, the 
state's evidence was overwhelming. 

As a last desperate move, the defense attorney went over to 
the witness stand, pulled Little Johnny's pants down and 
grabbed hold of the boy's tiny penis for all to see. 

Turning towards the jury box, the lawyer cried, "Ladies and 
gentlemen, surely you cannot believe that such a small, 
still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more 
agitated, he continued, "How could this miniature member 
possibly be capable of even an erection, let alone the rape 
of a grown woman!" 

"Careful!" Little Johnny yelped, "One more shake and you're 
going to lose the case!"



By popular demand, here it is again:


Click through for large high-res printable size. 



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Alzheimer's Test How fast can you guess these words with missing letters? 

1. F_ _K 
2. PU_S_ 
3. S_X 
4. P_N_S 
5. BOO_S 
6. _ _NDOM 




Answers: 
1. FORK 
2. PULSE 
3. SIX 
4. PANTS 
5. BOOKS 
6. RANDOM 

You got all 6 wrong didn't you? 

Well, Congratulations! 
You don't have Alzheimer's - and you are quite normal..





Click through the picture for full size

 



Seated at the breakfast table, Rosey was bent over in
pain, and complained to her husband, "My head aches, I
have a pain in my stomach, and my left breast feels
like it's on fire."

"Poor girl," solaced hubby, "Here's an aspirin for
your head, alka seltzer for your stomach, and if you
lift your breast out of the hot oatmeal, I'm sure it
won't burn so much.."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so 
she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them 
mounted?' asked the taxidermist. 

To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just 
fine.'



Andy was out playing golf when his ball landed on the rough 
in a patch of buttercups. Just as he lifted his club in the 
air, he heard a faint voice, "Please, don’t hurt my 
buttercups." 

Startled, he lowered his club and took a look around to 
confirm that he was alone. Satisfied that he was, he began 
to raise his club when he again heard the same voice, a 
little louder this time, "Please, don't hurt my buttercups." 

Unsure of what to make of it, he spoke aloud, "Hello? Is 
anyone out there?" Immediately, a small fairy appeared 
before him. "I am the forest fairy. If you don't hurt my 
buttercups, then I shall give you all the butter you want 
for the rest of your life." 

"Where the hell were you when I was in the pussywillows?" 
Andy replied.



	 Hang Gliding

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 13
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Sarah wanted a dishwasher, but Abe tried to delay, until
he could get a used one or a discount somewhere. Paying
full retail was definitely against his religion. This had been
going on for a few years,and finally Sarah got fed up and
asked her rabbi about what to do.

He told her to go to the yard sale down the street, where his
wife was selling picture frames.
(for only twice as much as they cost her at Ikea.)
He told Sarah to purchase one and make sure she had $19.95
left over when she came back.

She did.
He held out his hand for the $19.95, and the picture frame,
then got busy inserting the verse he had artfully penned
on parchment in the meantime:


Click through for large high-res printable size. 

Sarah got a diswasher a day after she hung up that verse.




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In days past, children were given names that sound strange
to us today -- Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy
was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life.

People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that,
when the time came, he did not want his name on his
tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put
on the tombstone,
"Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn't escape the curse, because
everyone that looked at his tombstone said,
"Wow! That's Amazing!"





Click through the picture for full size
Got the lense cap off this time?

More pictures of this bobcat on top of a saguaro are here.


 



Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the
past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of
them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

He says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that
girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a
coward!"

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.
Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than
dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she
say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on
macaroni and would rather shit her pants."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Q: How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 2: one to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
   room spins.



A drunk was sitting at the bar when he suddenly jumped up 
and yelled, "All politicians are assholes!" 

Hearing this, the guy sitting across from him quickly stood up 
and said, "Hey buddy, I resent that!" 

"Why, are you a politician?" the drunk asked.
 
"No," replied the guy, "I'm an asshole!"




	 Trivia