Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  March 17, 2009

Happy St Patrick's Day!
If you wear something green today, you can make up any dumb
story that will get you a free beer or kiss. It just has to have
something Irish in it.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Ida at the office said that with all the new transplants they're doing, she'd
like to see about being a virgin again.
But Sophie just laughed and said,
"And just where  do you think they'd find a donor?"





Lisa, here in the trailer park said to her hubby: 
"Uh, Bob, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?" 

Bob replied: "I'd take half then leave you. No questions,
no argument."  

Lisa said: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten 
dollars.... 
Here's five. Now .... Git!


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim 
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're 
always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. 
I'm sorry. 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness 
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?" 

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to piss."


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd 
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose 
is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with 
a limp. 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " 
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that 
to you, he must have had something in his hand." 

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a 
terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a 
thing of beauty it was, but quite useless in a fight."


Eve called the police.
"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she
continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please,
taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit
in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out
her window.
"See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can
only see the top of his head."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, just put a chair on that dresser
over there and stand on that!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  March 16, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Jon was talking to Ben.
"So, Ben, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Ben shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."





One day a sweet little girl became puzzled about her origin:
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asked.
Her mother replied, using a well-worn phrase,
"God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continued.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them," replied her mother.
The child shook her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200
years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"


Nina and Rosey were always trying to get the other's
goat and today they were meeting for lunch together.

Nina noticed thar Rosey was walking stiffly and
asked what the problem was.

Rosey replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that if my husband
were any bigger I couldn't take it."

Nina replied, "I know ! I know !!!"


Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the 
back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk 
out and see them.

Shocked and furious she said "You're gonna get a good 
lickin' when daddy gets home,"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all 
afternoon!"


Eight year old Johnny came home from school one day.  At the supper
table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school
they were going to learn about sex education.
The next evening at the dinner table Johnny's mother asked, "Well
Johnny, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnny said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid
inter-sections and buy condominiums."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  March 15, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

There were 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for
some time when they decided to pass the time by telling
each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex.
Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of
course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that
is my greatest sin."

The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking.
Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink
for one consecutive week."

The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other
nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is
yours."

The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I
am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."




DearWebby asked me to help find him a stack of pictures
showing Alpacas for a new postcard site. So, if you have any,
please hit reply and send them to me. 


At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know
anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." 
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." 

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a 
word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 
"I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, 
"Then come give your DADDY a big hug."


Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?
Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.


 When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the
 teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling
me  that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was
 sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in
 the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her
sitting  in the wrong desk."

 "I don't understand that," I replied defensively.  "Where could she
 have gotten that?"

 The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing
 fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she
 added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."



Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a
beloved old Irish priest.  At confession one day, a football player
told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a
recent football game.  "I lost my temper and said some bad words to
one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the
priest said.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the
sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father.  I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more.  As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on
his sleeve.  "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these
awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  March 14, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Help! Help" cried the young woman as she ran up the steps
of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!"
How do you know he was Irish? inquired the sergeant at
the desk.
"I had to help him" she gasped.





St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the
Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I
help you?" he asks.
"No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly
looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it
anotherhalf hour and asks again. The man stops and says,
"Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead.
Will someone please tell my secretary that I will
NOT wake up, no matter what she does?"


Maureen was feeling a bit ill, and not recovering from a night out
anywhere near as fast as Paddy.  So he sent her off to the doctor.
She came back shortly with a puzzled frown and said:
"Oh, Paddy, he wants a "Specimen", but fo the life o me I don't
know if we have one or if we can affod t'buy one!"

Paddy hemmed and hawed for a while, but couldn't figure it out
either. So he finally suggested: "me lass, why don't you go
upstairs and ask Maud O'Reilly, she used to work the streets in
town and she'll know."

So Maureen climbed up the stairs and knocked. Not a minute
later, screaming and cussing and the noise of a ferocious fight
echoed down the stairwell, soon followed by much banging
and clatter as poor Maureen came tumbling down the stairs.
As Paddy helped her up he asked her what happend.

"Oh Paddy, she's so mean! All I did was ask her what a
'specimen' was, and she told me to 'piss in abottle'!
So of course I told her to shit in a hat, and the fight was on."


One day, farmer Bill was in town picking up supplies for his
farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a
bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock
dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his
purchases home?
The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in
the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was
lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Town
Road?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132
Town Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time"

The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get
in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up
my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a
bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do
that?"

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."


  Morris, a union plumber was called to woman's apartment in
  New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased
  to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked
  babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became
  extremely friendly.

  About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom
  shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on
  his way home, but is going back to the office around 8.
  Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

  Morris, the union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
  ....."What? On my own time??"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  March 13, 2009

Those who are superstitious, are going to be in big trouble today!
The weather warmed up to almost seasonal, and they promised
that we will get a Chinook for the weekend. Hopefully that will tear
up the snow and haul it to Toronto and Chicago, where it belongs.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave
the hallway light on. I'll be quiet.





A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to
proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was very
ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had
smoke coming from it.

A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love
your dress, but your purse is on fire!"


A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got
home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so
he said he had discussed horseback riding with the
members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so
sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."


There was a fearsome thunderstorm which knocked out the 
electricity in the Navy Exchange at the Tennesee Naval Air Station .  
This killed the cash registers, naturally, but the Navy always 
has a backup.  The emergency intercom came on, and a loud 
female voice announced, "CASHIERS TAKE YOUR CRANKS 
OUT OF YOUR DRAWERS!"


Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and
things were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs.

"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"
whispered the man.

"Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he
won't even notice you here with me." said the woman.

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more
powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with
Jill, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Jill's
husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the
covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six
feet.

"Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see
six feet at the end of the bed."

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't
believe me, count them again."

The husband then got out of bed, and re-counted, "One, two,
three, four... by gosh, you're right, dear!" as he stumbled
back into bed.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD