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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, January 17, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's a whole weekend and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." Afamily is preparing a ancy family dinner, awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?" The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear." Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey." The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey..." 
Wherever that picture was taken, it's going to get COLD!
Glad I haven't seen that here recently!
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host." The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'" Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, January 16, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along. "Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'. You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues." "Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?" "Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!" Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands because he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending. Suddenly there is a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer is astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" 
A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." During his wedding rehearsal, a groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to my wife forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, January 15, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number. I guess he wants to ask mom if it is true." From MizzPeller Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" 
Tiger Shark Lurking
Rita comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?" One night Rick got REALLY polluted! In the morning, he rolled over when he awoke, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the UGLIEST girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out. Just then he felt a tug on his pants leg. Looking down, he saw a girl even scarier looking girl than the one in the bed. She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" There was a lighthouse keeper named Creighton Who took up with a lady from Brighton But ships ran aground And sailors were drowned 'Cause she wouldn't have sex with the light on.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, January 14, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst 1 go out to my car," he challenged her. Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on." Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet. "Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear." "No chance! You're on". said Sue. He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money. Once again he said. "To show you I am a sport,I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through this hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger. Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on." He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and poked his forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it." Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!" Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her. "Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. "I can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse." "Ah, what a shame," said Greg as he continued, "but ... you...win... some, ...you... lose... some" 
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ahss?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?" "Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ahss for mah drink." Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished. Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?" "Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac. "Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight attendants' hell." There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, January 13, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." "Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out." The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. "As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yes, Sir, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, if you look at that stained glass window on the chapel over there, even in the Garden of Eden some things were always covered with leaves. " 
Dr. Finkman completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has an STD." "Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" "It's possible," replied the M.D., "but it would certainly have been very uncomfortable." Why do Jewish men so often become doctors? Because a doctor can order a woman to undress without guilt, he can look at her without fear of being interrupted, and on best of all, it's usually her husband that pays for it all. "Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Steve complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn." "You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately." That night Steve crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep" Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy. John opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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