Thursday, August 16, 2012, 05:23 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 16
Thanks for renewing, David!
Facebook is going to try another silly advertising stunt.
They will package ads to make them look like newsfeeds,
and insert them, when a user hapens to use a trigger word.
If you mention, that you gave somebody the boot, they will
insert a shoe ad packaged to look like a news item.
The last time they tried a silly stunt like that, they got
sued big time, and wound up shutting that effort down
after less than two years.
The silly "Time Line" gimmick, that few people really
understand, including me, is supposed to prepare you for
the new ads. Well, so far I have not even had time to read
up about that "Time Line". Guess I better budget some time
for that.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a
party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her
necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back
of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her
request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by
everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable
and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."
"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."
An American couple, on vacation with some friends, in
Mexico was shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs. The
time passed and the couple realized that neither of them were wearing
watches. They noticed a little Mexican man laying down taking a siesta
next to a mule, with the largest set of testicles they had ever seen.
Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican
man, "Excuse us, could you tell us what time it is?"
The little Mexican man reaches his hand out under the
enormous set of nuts lifting them high and says "It's
3 o'clock."
Amazed by this, the American couple go off to find their friends and
tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there, can
tell time by lifting his mule's testicles!"
Curious and amazed by this, the friends want to see first
hand, so they go back and ask him what time it was.
Sure enough, the little Mexican man reaches out again,
cups his hands under the mule's nuts, lifts them up as
if to weigh them and says, "It is 3:15."
Their friends check the time on their watches and sure
enough, the little Mexican was correct.
Blown away by this, finally the American couple asks,
"It is just amazing, how do you do that?"
"Do what?" the Mexican asks
"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"
"Ah," says the Mexican..."You sit here, I'll teach you"
So the man sits down, the Mexican tells him to lift the mule's
nuts.
"Now," says the Mexican, "Can you see that big church
clock across the street?"
Click through the picture for full size
Sculptured Garden
>From Liz
One fine day, I was about to enjoy an "afternoon delight"
with a gentleman I knew. We'd been at it pretty hot and
heavy on the couch when someone knocked at my door.
I got up to peek out, and saw that it was no one of importance,
but when I looked back, my gentleman friend was GONE!
Calling his name, I finally found him standing in my bathroom,
on the side counter, still totally nude, but holding his
sneakers in one hand.
"What on Earth are you doing standing here holding
your shoes?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "I didn't know whether I might
have to run!"
Dumb ass amateur, and leave his clothes behind?
Q: How many cute guys does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: If you're in the dark with a cute guy,
why worry about the lights?!
Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Mrs. Right Now.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing; I'm all out of breath.
Darn,I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.
Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Tortellini Alfredo
Ingredients:
1 (16-oz.) jar Alfredo pasta sauce
1 1/4 cups water
1/2 teaspoon dried basil leaves
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 (9-oz.) pkg. refrigerated cheese-filled tortellini
1 (14-oz.) pkg. Green Giant Select® Frozen Broccoli Florets
Directions:
In large bowl, combine Alfredo pasta sauce, water, basil
and pepper; mix well with wire whisk. Stir in tortellini and
broccoli. Spoon into ungreased 11x7-inch (2-quart) glass
baking dish. Cover with foil; refrigerate at least 8 hours or
overnight.
Preheat oven to 350º (180º C)
Bake covered for 45 minutes.
Uncover baking dish; stir well.
Cover; bake an additional 15 to 20 minutes or until bubbly
and thoroughly heated.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1092
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Wednesday, August 15, 2012, 04:00 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 15
American Pie x 100 Million
The U.S. population Tuesday passed the nerdy milestone of
100 million times pi, or 314,159,265 residents, the Census
Bureau reported.
"Shortly after 2:29 p.m. EDT today, the U.S. population clock
reached a milestone that is very meaningful to mathematical
statisticians: It will show there are 314,159,265 residents,
or pi (3.14159265) times 100 million," the bureau said in
a release.
Pi is a mathematical constant that is the ratio of a circle's
circumference to its diameter.
"This is a once in many generations event ... so go out and
celebrate this American pi," Census Bureau Chief
Demographer Howard Hogan said.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
"Why don't you wear Silver," answers his wife. "it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"
Reports of UFOs in Britain have dwindled since the late
1990s. Sightings have gone from about 30 a week to almost
zero; it's a trend echoed in the US and Norway.
It's a well documented fact that in times of war, alcohol consumption
increases. This means people spend more time in bars
babe gazing and less time on the roof star gazing.
Click through the picture for full size
>From Prof Bill
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it,
but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive
information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be
used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures,
it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you
use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get
involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very
complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you
in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good
your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may
ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are
somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy,
but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it, spend all their
time and money trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people would just play with it all day if they didn't have
work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration
but others believe it should be open to all comers.
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case,
with the Yuppette accused of incredible escapades.
Testifying before her own attorney, she projected
an image of sweet innocence, and told a tale of
wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though,
the husband's lawyer said, "Isn't it true on the night
of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual
intercourse with two circus stunt-men on the handle
bars of a careening Harley Davidson motorcycle,
that passed through Columbia at speeds in excess
of seventy-five miles per hour?"
The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her
remarkable self-control and composure. Her
voice was almost serene in its innocence as
she asked, "That is ridiculous! His Harley does
not go that fast!"
The budget-minded women was always clipping coupons in the
young, lean years when she was first married, and even kept
detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her
first jobs way back then was running the cash register at the
local drugstore.
One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the
counter to buy some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off
coupon on the box and asked him if he'd like to use it,
adding that she and her husband had saved over $400
redeeming coupons last year.
The stunned young man replied, "On these?!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM STYLE Orange Chocolate Cheesecake
Ingredients:
1 cup Graham Cracker Crumbs
2 tablespoons melted butter
1 lb cottage cheese (or the closestto a pound you can get it)
1 8oz pack of cream cheese
3 large eggs
2/3 cup sugar
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 cup sei-sweet chocolate crumbs (or small chips)
1 frozen orange, grated or shredded in processor
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350º (180º C)
Line a 9" diameter deep pie pan orcake pan with wax paper
Combine crumbs and melted butter. Pat evenly over bottom
and about 1 3/4 inch up side of the pan
Bake in a 350F oven 10 to 12 minutes
Let it cool 5 minutes
Mix the rest of the ingredients in a blender until nice and smooth.
Gently pour into the crust.
Bake 45 - 50 minutes or until center barely jiggles when cake
is gently shaken.
Cool and refrigerate 3 hours.
If you want to make it really fancy, you can sprinkle
semi-sweet chocolate shavings over it and drizzle a teaspoon
orange liqueur over it, after it has cooled.
Please note, this Orange Chocolate Cheesecake will get you
accused of being a great cook and volunteered for cooking
until you produce a really spectacular disaster!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Noisiest BBQ
1087
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012, 02:50 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 14
A few fans in England corrected me about the Olympic medals.
When looing at the Gold medals, then Great Britain is
defiitely Third, ahead of Russia.
Congratultions!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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This classic is from the days of Zippo lighters, that used
lighter fluid (white gas) instead of butane.
Sharon who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette
lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it
began to give her trouble.
So she spoke to Martin who had one, having just seen
him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
Sharon: "Now be a dear, and tell me about that thing
you have there in your trousers."
Martin: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit
embarrassed) "I'm not used to discussing such things
with ladies."
Sharon: "Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how
does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?"
Martin: "Oh, sometimes..."
Sharon: "Then it's different from mine, just opens
and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something
comes?"
Martin: "Oh yes, especially in cold weather."
Sharon: "Have you ever tried pulling your wick and
dipping it?"
Martin: "No, most certainly not!"
Sharon: "Oh. You should, it does it good. You never
soaked it before then?"
Martin: "Of course I haven't."
Sharon: "You should try it then sometimes, it takes
the stiffness out of it."
Martin: "Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty
girl."
Sharon: (Thinking he referred to smoking) "Oh, every
girl does it now a days anyway. What about your wick,
is it a long one?"
Martin: "Yes, it is rather on the long side."
Sharon: "I think I will have to try a bigger one
because the one I use does not seem to go far enough
to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's
dry?"
Martin: "Yes."
Sharon: "So does mine. In the past mine has been giving
me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?"
Martin: "No no, not now. We had better wait until it's
dark."
Sharon: "Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better
in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few
days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now
(opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look,
here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again,
damn... now I'll have to go back to matches."
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles
in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards
his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa ! ! ! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED
with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting
of Nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool,
he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
She says, "Lecturer. I use my experiences to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact,
it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you,
I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." the man says as he extends his hand.
Click through the picture for full size
Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor
complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.
After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the
hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her
with the results.
"Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at
your age, there's no doubt about it.... you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When
she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her
78 year old husband, and yelled,
"You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line.
Then a voice said,
"Who is this?"
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where of
course, men are just grateful."
--- Jay Leno
A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some
condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see
Edna in aisle 4.
So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch,
then gets on the PA system and says,
"Medium condom. Medium condom."
Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the
counter to get his condoms.
Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get
some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see
Edna in aisle 4.
Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets
on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs
a large condom."
The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his
condoms.
Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some
condoms for the very first time. He's told to go see
Edna is aisle 4.
Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,
"Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM STYLE Sacher Torte
Ingredients:
1 No-Name-Brand chocolate cake mix
(a name brand mix will work too)
1 cup water
1/2 cup oil
3 eggs
2 TBSP sour cream
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp almond extract
1/4 tsp cinnamon
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2-3 TBSP KRAFT apricot jam
1 tsp brandy
----------------------
1 square semi-sweet chocolate
1 tsp butter
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350º (180º C)
Line a 9" cake pan with wax paper
Mix the top ingredients with a blender until smooth
Keep scraping down the sides of the bowl and
keep mixing for about 2 minutes, no more than that.
Pour into the pan and bake 25-30 minutes.
Use an alamr if you go check email in the meantime!
Mix the apricot jam with a bit of brandy until smooth.
When the cake is done,
toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean)
grab the wax paper and slide it out of the tilted pan
onto the counter top.
Use dental floss to saw the cake into two layers.
Quickly smear the thinned jam evenly onto the bottom layer,
slap the top layer on and make the chocolate cover:
Put the busted up square of semi-sweet chocolate
(No-Name or Bakers) and the butter into a preheated
(with hot water) ceramic or glass bowl, and microwave
precisely 60 seconds. When don, stir quickly with a
rubber or plastic spatula until smooth.
Immediately pour it onto the cake and smear it smooth.
It does nt have to be precise, just reasonably smooth.
Since the cake is still hot, it will smooth itself quite nicely.
If you agitate it too long, or if you reheat the melted
chocolate, it will curdle and look and taste terrible.
The original Sacher Torte at the Hotel Sacher in Vienna
costs $10 for a tiny little slice and would taste almost as
good as my recipe, if they did not use so much sugar.
If you want their recipe, add 1/2 cup of sugar to the cake
mix, use sweet plum jam instead of apricot and don't thin
it with brandy, and use Crisco instead of butter with the
chocolate.
Kids prefer the much sweeter original recipe.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1084
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She got pregnant without his help
Monday, August 13, 2012, 02:15 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 13
The Olympics are over.
The US won, China was second, Russia was third.
Did England compete?
Well.maybe next time.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small
for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front
sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the
broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of
her and knocked her over. Her mother came out a few minutes
later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in
her pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk,"
her mother said.
"What in the world are you doing?"
The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A Roamin' Catholic
Click through the picture for full size
>From Millicent
Certain medical authorities maintain that Sex is bad for one.
And I agree, heartily!
Sex is bad for one.
But it's great for two.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this time I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Earline didn't get pregnant again.
I Ain't gonna do THAT agin."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors,
and don't work half time.
What do you call an intelligent man in Washington?
A tourist.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Choco Grits
Ingredients:
3 cups water
1/2 cup milk
1 TBSP butter
1 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups grits/cornmeal mix
1 square semi-sweet chocolate
2 TBSP semi-sweet chocolate chips
Directions:
Bring water, milk to a boil over high heat
Slowly stir in grits. Reduce heat to
low and cook covered, stirring frequently,
10 minutes or until thick.
Take off the burner and stir in the chocolate chips,
just gently folded in to create nice swirls
Cover and let it sit for 5 minutes
Shave the semi-sweet chocolate square over it
with a sharp knife, if it is eaten out of one pot
or over each serving, if it is served in individual bowls.
If it is served in individual bowls, you can ladle it into
the bowls before the 5 minute final steeping. If done
right, Choco-Grits are firm and can be cut witout slump.
If you are too far north to be able to get grits, look for
corn meal or Polenta, and even further north, look for
wheat meal or cream-of-wheat. It does not have the
hearty taste of corn, but the recipe still works.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1081
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The Go-Between got her pregnant
Sunday, August 12, 2012, 04:28 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 12
It took only five hours after Romney announced his VP, until
the hysterical Chihuahuas started yapping and frantically
badmouthing him. Judging by their panic, they must be really
worried.
Their silly yapping helped me to finetune my Mailwasher
filters and automatically blacklist the Chihuahuas.
The cartoons in European papers usually lag behind events
by quite a long time, but some of their humor is priceless.
Here is one:
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
allow women on the course during the week. The ladies
were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's
club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from
the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on
the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter
reminding them of the previous letter and demanding
action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter
advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.
Since Cameron was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and
relatives were stunned when he got married, and even more
when his wife became pregnant.
One day a group of them spotted Cameron on the beach and they
came right over. "So, Cameron, how'd it happen?" asked one
of them, with a wink at the woman's ballooning belly.
Cameron blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing
next to his wife. "I have that marvelous young man to thank,"
he explained.
"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.
"Not entirely," replied Cameron with a giggle and a grin.
"He's our go-between."
Click through the picture for full size
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture
at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached
him and asked,
"Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your
county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and
started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the
American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to
practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We will to go to America
and fall down on sidewalks."
Groan Alert:
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson
at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son
was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the
very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse
shoe over the door for luck and then study late into
the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson,
"that IS a whore's shoe."
How many political jokes are there?
Only three.
The rest are true stories.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Cheesy Country Grits
Ingredients:
2 cups water
1/2 cup milk
2 Tbsp. Olive Oil
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup quick grits (or make the long way)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Directions:
Bring water, milk, Olive Oil and salt to a boil over high heat
in 2-quart saucepan. Slowly stir in grits. Reduce heat to
medium-low and cook covered, stirring occasionally,
5 minutes or until thickened.
Stir in cheese and let stand 2 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Stir just before serving.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1079
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