Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, April 15

The forecast was right. Every time I looked outside, it had
alternated from snow to snow gone and back. Oh, well, 
a nutty April is usually followed by a hot May. I am ready!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his 
parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in 
the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to 
adultery, I'll quit!" 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. 
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, 
until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the 
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. 
The priest said, "You have to do something about the 
sidewalks in town. When people come into the
confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told 
the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could 
explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor 
and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about.
YOUR wife fell three times this week already!"



The catholic priest in a small town in Alabama had become 
very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the 
congregation. "Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. 
"It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in 
our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is
not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. 
In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation 
to rise." 

Not a woman stirred. 

"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady 
hesitate to announce her condition publicly," the priest 
intoned. "But it is necessary to do so. Young women, 
I ask those who are truly virgins to rise." 

And still not a woman stirred. Wrath now moved the priest. 
"Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur 
a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. 
Let all virgins stand!" 

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, 
far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully. 

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. 
"Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand." 

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, 
"do you really expect this six-month-old girl to stand 
by herself?"



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From Irene

DEAR DIARY
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,
and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also
getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit
on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over
any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!!.



 The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading 
one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 
"Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start 
with 'If elected, I promise to....."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine 
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, 
he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every 
therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no 
improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice 
I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical 
school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. 
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, 
and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off 
with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the 
forehead. This helps a little.Then I get out of the tub, 
take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, 
I force myself to have sex with her. 
Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. 
Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six 
weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. 
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! 
I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time 
anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "Your wife asked me
to tell you to pick up some lamb chops on the  way home."



RECIPE SECTION, 
thanks to Sr Anna

DORM style Cinnamon Strudel
 
Ingredients:
6 heaping TBSP "Complete Buttermilk Pancake Mix"
  (the 77 cents per pound stuff from the Bulk Barn is fine)
2 eggs
1 Granny Smith apple
1 Gala apple
1 handful of soaked golden raisins (rum & water) 
1 TBSP Cinnamon
1 handful Graham Cracker Crumbs
Some lemon juice
Some table molasses (I hope you got bulk molasses
  filled into an empty, fine tip  mustard squirter! Any other way 
  of dealing   with molases is messy!)
A bit of butter

Directions:
Use a square electric frying pan and use enough water in the 
pancake mix to make large crepes. Thin, but as large as the 
pan allows.

Core and grate the apples.
Spread them out on cling wrap, sprinkle the raisins evenly
over them, then the cinnamon, then sprinkle a bit of lemon juice
over it, and mix it well by alternately lifting the ends and 
rolling the contents.

When a crepe is ready, spread some of the mix over it as
thin and frugally as possible and still cover every spot.
Drizzle very thin lines of molasses over the mix, not too
close together. Keep in mind, Table Molasses is very powerful!
Then roll up the crepe and secure it with tooth-picks.

Can be served hot, reheated, or cold.
Can be covered in alu foil and traded.

Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna











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