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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 15, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had
received, so he asked his secretary for some
mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary grinned and replied,
"Everything but my earrings."


A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When
he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had
spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the
shopping center and they complimented her on the
speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first
time he got so sore he could hardly walk for a week,
and the second time he fell off."

 



This picture started out square, but I KNEW a few dozen of you
were going to ask me for big pictures to use as wall paper and
screen saver. So I sent it to DearWebby to fix it without stretching
the horse. "For a chocolate cake, no problem", he said.

For THAT picture, it's worth it!
Large version
X-Large version


Two nuns were driving in the country and ran out of gas. They
spotted a farmhouse to ask the farmer if he could give them enough
gas to get to the next town.

The farmer agrees, but says he has no container to put the gas in.
He takes them into the barn to see if there is anything they can
find that will do the job.

Amidst a pile of junk one of the nuns spots a bedpan and says,
"That will do just great! We're used to using those bedpans in the
hospital."

Farmer fills it with gas for them. The nuns take the bedpan full
of gas back to their car. They pour the gas into their car's gas
tank when a car drives up.

The window rolls down and a man leans out the window and says,
"Sisters ... I'm not a Roman Catholic ... as a matter of fact I'm
a Baptist clergyman. But I just had to stop to tell you how much I
admire your faith that that's going to work!!!
And if it does, I am converting!"


Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in
the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while
to find a deaf pilot."


This one is a classic!
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first
grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and  he
agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"          Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"          Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader
should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can
go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions
myself."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the
man suddenly slipped a disk in his back!  He was stuck he couldn't
move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude
beneath her 250 pound lover.  They were desperate to get out so she
managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn.
A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.

Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while
others worked to free them.  Finally firemen cut away the car frame.
The 250 pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped
out of the car, too.

The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would
be fine, but she was so upset.  She said she was worried about how
she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!


From Andy:
As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that
careful about who I dated.  This one young lady and I connected,
and following dinner and a movie, she agreed to a motel.  After a
very pleasant love-making session I noticed the time.  I asked her,
if her Mother didn't pose questions about where she had been.

She replied, "My Mother doesn't care what I do.  it's that damned
truant officer who keeps asking a lot of silly questions."

 



SOMEBODY is going to be sorry!


A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a
drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay,
but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most
beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"


A teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game
today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word
'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give
us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark ... perhaps it's going to
rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back: "Johnny?"

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my
sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to
their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna moon the piano."


A little flea who lived in Florida was sunning himself on
the beach one day when he saw another flea, with whom he had
been in college, pass him by on the beach looking dragged
out and beaten down. "What's wrong with you?", he asked.

His friend responded that he had hooked a ride to Florida in
this guy's mustache and the guy rode his motorcycle from
Maine all the way to Miami and he had been frozen solid,
cold, wet and miserable for the whole ride.

Our Miami flea informed his friend that the best thing he
could do, next year, would be to get under a seat in the
ladies toilet room at the airport, wait until a stewardess
came in, and when she was seated, seize the opportunity to
get into her "bush" and then he would have nice, warm, moist
ride on an airplane all the way to Miami!

"Great idea, man, thanks!", says the northern flea.

A year later, our Miami flea is on the beach and along comes
the flea from up north, again looking bedraggled, cold, wet
and miserable.

"What happened to you?" asked Miami flea!

"I did what you said... I got into the ladies john, waited
until a stewardess sat down on the seat I was under; I
quickly jumped aboard that lush, warm bush and off we went;
I was so comfortable I fell asleep. The next thing I know, I
wake up and I'm on this guy's mustache again"!!!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar
but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he
had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and
pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will
you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million
bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves
him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a
million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a
million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch
Bic?"


A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having Sex and the
mom was jumpin all over the dad. So the next day the little
boy asks his mom what she was doing.

She replies with "Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat
and needs to lose weight." The little boy said "But Mommy,
that wont work because every morning the lady next door
comes over and blows him back up!"

 





In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers
decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short,
fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he
woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The
amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment
silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go
to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of
the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never
reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So
they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to
mend their ways. The cook heard them out, then said, "You
are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, but vat then 
should I use fer thickening your gravy?"


An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup.  The Doctor asks him
how he is feeling "I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant
with my child What do you think about that?" The Doctor considers
this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.  I
know of guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.   But one
day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and
suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of  him! He raises up
his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle.
BAM!!!!  The beaver drops dead in front of him. 

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, 
"Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."


There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked
the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he
started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him 
he was a holy man.

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in
the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page
where someone wrote in pencil...
"The hat check girl puts out!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, July 12, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the
collection plate. This went on for weeks until the
preacher, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends
me money, and what I don't need I give to the
church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son must be very successful, what does he do
for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Does he care
for all types of animals?"
"No, he only cares for cats," she replied.
"That's interesting. Where does he practice?" asked
the priest.
"Well, he has one cat house in Reno and another in
Dallas."


A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very 
tired after along day's trip he asks the clerk for a single 
room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks 
around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.

He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the 
lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. 
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds 
the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. 
"I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here 
for three weeks."

 



Photobomber


A young dating couple was driving down the road in a very
busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.
They decided to pull over and park to have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any
attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden, a
policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly
contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to have sex in
public?" he asked the couple.

Embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them to mind their
behavior next time.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked what the
policeman wrote the ticket for.

Her boyfriend responded, "Doing 69 in a 50-mph zone!"


Down South, Betty-Sue called her attorney and asked, 
"Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing 
people to get cancer?

"Yes, Betty-Sue, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for 
making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them 
burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Betty-Sue. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue 
Budweiser for all the ugly men I've slept with ?"


A young amarous couple were about to do the wild thing.  
They had a box of a dozen condoms.

They proceeded to do the wild thing, just once.  
When she returned a week later, she discovered that there 
were only six condems remaing in the box of 12, she
asked him "what happened to the other five condoms?"

His reply was "Honey, I masturbated with them, because you
were not around."

She then went to her male confidant friend and told him the
story, and asked him if he had ever done this.

"Yeah, once or twice" he told her.

"You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" 
she said.

"Oh, no." he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to a girlfriend."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 11, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The Olympic Medical Staff has determined that
having sex before participating in athletic activity,
such as a marathon race, does not impair the
athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have been known to display this physical
ability for centuries. Almost immediately after sex,
they glance at their watches and say, "Well, I gotta
run and get home before daylight! "


Richard comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife 
is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out 
screwing another woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my
pol cue."

 





Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"And I am gay."

So he fired those four.


A guy goes to the doctor due to a hangnail. He walks in,
tells the nurse what is wrong and she immediately tells him:
"Go into the cubicle on the left and take off all your
clothes. The doctor will be with you shortly." Wondering why
this problem would require one to undress, he nontheless
complies. After a few minutes, he becomes aware someone is
in the cubicle next to his, separated only by a curtain. He
peeks and there is another guy standing there undressed.

He attracts the man's attention, then asks "Why do you
suppose that nurse told me to take off all my clothes? I
only have a hangnail?"

The other man replied, "Hell no, I'm just the FedEx man 
trying to deliver a package."


I thought those of you in the medical profession should
be aware of these new drugs.  You who are not, well, you
should know too.

These are the new wonder drugs that will soon be available:

Peptobimbo ...
Liquid silicone for single women.  Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ..
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective
in improving grades, freeing up phone lines,
and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...
Potent antibiotic for older women.  Increases
resistance to such lines as,"You make me want
to be a better person ...  can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...
Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping.  Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...
When combined with Buyagra,can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up
to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used
on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...
Bedroom aerosol spray for men.  More effective
than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ..
Relieves the headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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