Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 15, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The Nurse was taking Joe's blood pressure.
She caused him some concern by rechecking
it twice, then saying,
"Hmmmm. That's odd -- it's normal."

He replied that he had taken his high blood
pressure medicine less than an hour ago.
She said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was
losing it. Normally when I take the men's BP
readings they're always on the high side."



Gotcha!


Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon
listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full
volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I ask a lady friend, whom
she has never heard, call her desk when she's not there, and
leave a message like
"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for
the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty girl! You wouldn't want me to
come over there and spank you, would you ?"

That is probably the last time you ever hear that particular
speakerphone.
 

A sad-faced Todd walked into a flower shop
early one morning. The clerk was ready to take
his order for a funeral piece, based on the look
on Todd's face, but soon realized his
assumption was wrong as Todd asked for a
basket of flowers sent to his wife for their
anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday."


Joan, who was a rather well proportioned secretary, spent
almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the
second, she decided to slip out of her dress for an overall
tan, since, no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The
Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we
would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as
you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."


Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only
dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him
in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to  behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room
in  the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there
were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said
the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for
barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.
He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen
(he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left
for the barn.

Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled.

The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?"

The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap jerk in
the fur coat never even said thanks!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  June 14, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Linda went into the local bookstore and saw this big
display with a sign saying "Newly Translated from the
Original French: 37 Mating Positions."
Noticing the books were already wrapped in plain brown
paper, she just had to buy one. Once safely at home, she
opened it and found that she had just purchased a very
expensive book about chess.





The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and
was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It
contained a girl's name and address, and asked the
recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought
to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman
so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a
photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read,

"Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of
guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
 

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a
seminar on the supernatural.  To get a feel for his audience, he
asks: "How many  people here believe in ghosts?" About 90
students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"  About 40
students raise their hands.

"That's really good.  I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their
hands.

"That's a great response.  Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.  But let me ask you one question further...
Have any  of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand.  The professor is
astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever  claimed to have slept with a ghost.  You've got to come up
here and tell  us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a
nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a Ghost."

The student replies,  "Ghost?!?  I thought you said
'goats.'


Mary had a little lamb, 
The doctor was surprised!
But when Old McDonald had a farm, 
The doctor nearly died.


A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was
discussing the frequency of sex that could still be
considered normal. "Many people find that sex every other
week is a sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that's fine.
Yet others want to make love nightly, and there's nothing
wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of
this class. Don't be embarrassed and please answer honestly.
How many people here make love more than twice a week?"

A few hands shot up.

"Twice a week?"

A few more hands.

"Weekly, on average?"

Many hands.

"Once every two weeks?" he continued "Once a month?, once
every several months? once a year?"

At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.

"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "But if you only
make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"

The student excitedly replied, "Tonight's the night!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 13, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two old farmers were discussing how
productive their bulls were. One farmer said he
had a problem with his bull but the vet gave him
some medicine and he was jumping on
everything on the farm.

The other farmer said his bull was not doing to
well and asked what medicine the vet used so
he could get some. The first farmer said he
didn't know the name of the medicine but it
tasted like chocolate.





Nancy, a city girl, married a farmer. One
morning, before the farmer went out to the field,
he said, "Honey, today the artificial
insemination man is coming over to impregnate
one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four
over the stall. Please show him which one it it
is."
When he arrived, Nancy led him down the row
of stalls until she saw the nail.
She pointed to the stall and he asked her,
"Are you sure?"
"It's the one with the nail," said Nancy.
"What's the nail for?" asked the man.
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," replied
Nancy.
 

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had
a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but
being rather unworldly, they don't really know how.
Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to
change it for them. They gratefully accepted.
  As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from
the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch"
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language.
We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use
such language."
 "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.
 Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his
fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire
is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't
help us."
  "But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
 "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get
upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
  So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And
again it slipped.
 He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and
said, "Sweet Jesus, help me."  At that, the car
miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
  The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in
unison, "Son-of-a-bitch!"


A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious
wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.  The rabbi asks if 
they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, 
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women
always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally 
have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to
have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"Can we do it doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle
of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a 
porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the Rabbi. "Absolutely NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."


A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The
waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the
chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs
left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't
know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without
comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those
eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you
have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  June 12, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their
exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later
and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest
divorce
lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the
Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the
garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room
house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."



Mom's new office


Morris, an elderly Jewish man reads about an inexpensive cruise to
Florida,   only $50.  He signs up.  Immediately upon boarding the 
small shabby ship, Morris is thrown into the galley, chained to his 
seat, and forced to start rowing, along with a hundred other men.  

A vicious looking man walks up and down the aisle, cracking a whip 
across the back of anyone not rowing fast enough.

  Morris the old man is at the point of collapse when the ship, after
two weeks   at sea, finally pulls in to Miami Beach.  He turns to the 
man next to him and   says, "I've never been on one of these cruises 
before. Do we have to tip the whipper, or is that included  ?"
 

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance." says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee,
he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week"

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he
inquires as to how things went. "Oh! it was terrible, just
terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes
off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the
tabletop. It was terrible."

"Terrible. was the sex not good?" asked the doctor, "

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."


"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've
got to help me. Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden, five gorgeous women
rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And, what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And, what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, break my arms!"


A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by
two female teachers went on a field trip to a local race
track, to learn about thorough bred horses and the
supporting industry. During the tour some of the children
wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls
would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her they couldn't
reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and
began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by
one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the third race, riding Silver
Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 11, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A husband, proving to his wife that women
talk more than men, showed her a study
which indicated that men use, on the
average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas
women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then
told her husband that women use twice as
many words as men because they have to
repeat or explain everything they say.
He replied, "What do you mean?"



Tisch truck isch too flegschible for my kinda drrrivin!

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls school was
lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In
moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose from the back and asked, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last an hour?"
 

There was this old woman who heard a song called, "Two Lips
and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing
the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.

In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and
she asks, "Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses'?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No,
but I have two nuts and six inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its about average!"


An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,
so he called in an artist. The man explained to the artist, "I'm a
history buff, and I'd like your interpretation of the last thing that went
through Custer's mind before he died. I'm going out of town on
business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

A week later, the man returned from his trip and entered the library
to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a
cow with a halo overhead. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in
various sexual positions. 

The furious man called the artist in. "What the hell is this!" he
screamed. 

"It's exactly what you asked for," said the smug artist.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an
interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," explained the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow,
look at all those fucking Indians.'"


Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his 
wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding ring?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD