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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 15, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?" An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?" 
Serious Noise, I'm sure, but using a high air brake to lift
a front leg doesn't make sense to a Blonde like me.
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go piss." The other said, "I do to. Piss for me too while you are in there." The guy says, "ok" He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time. When he comes back, he hits the other drunk and knocks him to the floor. The 2nd drunk looks up and says, " why did you hit me?" "If you had told me you had to shit, I would have pulled down my pants." Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that Government building on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase." A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, May 14, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it." A guy is on a business trip and he's staying in a fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She tells him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?" 
Spelling is important!
When I was at Fort Dix, N.J., for Army basic training, my father, an Air Force master sergeant, was stationed at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware. I got a weekend pass, and Dad picked me up Friday evening so we could drive home to Massachusetts. On the way, we stopped at a diner. I was wearing my dress greens, and Dad was in dress blues. The waitress looked puzzled as she took our order. "Is something wrong, ma'am?" I asked. "It's unusual to see people in different services traveling together," she explained. "That's nothing," Dad replied. "She's taking me home to sleep with her mother!" Have you seen the toothpaste commercial with the woman who's always complaining that her father, the dentist, checks her teeth every time she gets in the car. She oughta be glad her old man's not a gynecologist. As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment. He must use each new word in a sentence. 1. Catacomb I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb. 2. Foreclose If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close. 3. Rectum I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both. 4. Disappointment My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint. 5. Israel Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch is rael". 6. Undermine There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine. 7. Acoustic When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall. 8. Iraq When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break." 9. Stain My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?" 10. Fortify I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, May 13, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes. Dude #1: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal." Dude #2: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that." Dude #1: three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before." Dude #1: Looking him over: "Uh...try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks." For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!" 
The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? "Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and put it to her all night." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gonna go for a shit first anyway!" The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?" What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 12, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
SIGNS YOU'RE AT A WEDDING IN TENNESSEE * The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters. * Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?" * Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts. * Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!" * Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and performed by Boxcar Willie. * When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married..." some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!" * Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood lately, Earl?" * Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages (smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own moonshine. * Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show. * The sign in front of the church reads: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem! A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount of money in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested that he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First, you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest that people put $20 in the collection plate." The following Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of $20 bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. Therefore, he waited a couple of weeks before trying his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud; springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church. 
Nose Job
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled: "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too." This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life." I fear that the world will someday know About my weakness for you. I know that if I go to you For one more taste of you My guilt will overcome me And a heavy penance will be paid. But my resolve weakens and crumbles. I go to you, I take you and hold you. The wonderful smell of you fills my senses. This is insane, why can't I resist you? I know that any other can have you If they but pay the price. But my need for you overwhelms me And I slowly strip you bare. My mouth aches for the taste of you. My tongue gently caresses you And the flavor of you fills my mouth. My body relaxes and my eyes close. The delicious sensation rushes through my body. Ahhhhhhh, Chocolate
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, April 24, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A Christian family, comprising mom, dad and daughter were sitting around the dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honored guest. The mom told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating dinner already. The daughter hesitated... "but mom!.." After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer. She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm. She was also screaming, "oooh, god! ooooh, jimmy! oooh, god! jimmy! oh god, oh god!" All of a sudden, her mother stopped her: "What's gotten into you?!" she seemed embarrassed and surprised. The daughter then said to her mother... "What?! That's what I hear you pray!" From Chris I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door. Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well." 
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,grovel, ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,super , fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,flabbergast,enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all over again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Feed him and lay him. Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top, they become asses. When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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