Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 14, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 21st place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

-26 here right now. Might stay indoors, unless the sun comes out
or the wind slows down.


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely do have
inherited the Hinkley nose and cleft chin, but your sideburns
look like you slept in a hay loft.
Love, Grandma."


A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of 
turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little
boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in
the world, it's called turpentine." 

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world 
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it 
on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."


A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like
this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't
beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but
met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she
met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't
beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great
in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"


A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the 
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats 
are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too 
cold. The accommodations are awful.
 
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good 
luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney 
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today 
and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back 
tomorrow." 
 
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have 
some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the 
stupid stone." 
 
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." 
 
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. 
 
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks
him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the
doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 13, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 22nd place. #21 is a gay travel magazine.
I don't think you will have any problem leaving them in the dust.

Subscriptions seem to be stuck. For every new subscriber I
get a letter from somebody else telling me they had to 
UNsubscribe because they are not allowed newsletters at work,
and that they will read it on-line.

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Well, we got more snow. No gullible warming here. By April 1
ice age panic will probably become more fashionable.
THEN, just to prove them wrong, it will warm up. Betcha!
Farmer's Almanac says so too.

I am going to put up my Christmas tree tomorrow and wire
it to my computer. Dear Webby talked me into getting a $16
computer interface for my X10. No more hunting for the key
fob remote control to turn outlets on and off. Now I can 
control the whole house right from the keyboard, totally 
blonde-proof! Theoretically I can even do it over the Internet,
but I might have to read the instructions for that. We'll see,

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 





"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man
said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her
size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in
his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly
smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as
she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a
bra and panties."


A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down
together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention
was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

'Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come
together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.'

'You foul-mouthed swine,' the lady screeched indignantly. 
'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my
friend, the bishop,  how to spella Mississippi.'


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a 
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of 
her nightgown and say  "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and  finally answered, 
"I'll take the soup."


Lisa asked me what to do if her boyfriend starts smoking.
I told her to slow down a bit


Bob, a trendy dresser, fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was
delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a
girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph.

"How romantic," he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this
mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a
photo.

Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I
was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 11, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 24th place, and will pass #23 today!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Thanks to Roland for this story:
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage 
bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags 
and every once in a while a twenty-dollar-bill falls out onto the pavement. 
  
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are twenty-dollar-bills falling 
out of your bag."
  
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can 
collect them. Thanks for the warning!" 
  
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money? 
You didn't steal it, did you?"
  
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the 
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans 
come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and 
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone 
sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ' $20 or off it comes.'"
  
"Well that seems fair," laughs the cop. "What's in the other bag?"
  
"Well," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."



Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard 
talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked 
the first boy. 
"Tommy," replied the second. 
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" 
asked Billy. 
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." 
"Honest?" asked Billy. 
"Nah, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.


Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when
the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so
I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting". said the
teacher. "I am sure your father could have done that".

"No ma'm, he couldn't have", said the little sod. "For a cow, 
it has to be a Bull".





The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following
morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room,
looking great with a big smile on his face.

He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and
joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young
wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
out.

She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left
for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I
can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me
he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he
was talking about money!"


Bob was having extreme headaches for 3 months. He went to
the doctor for help. The doctor told him his balls were
putting pressure on his spine and that was whats causing the
headaches. The doctor also said his balls would have to be
removed.

After the surgery Bob was walking home and was feeling
depressed. He decided to get some new clothes to make him
feel better. The tailor guessed all of his measurements
correctly.

"Thats amazing!" Bob said. The tailor replied, "now for your
underwear.....I would say about a 36".

Bob chuckled to himself. "Nope 34" he said. "Thats
impossible", the tailor replied, "that would cause you balls
to put pressure on your spine and cause one hell of a
headache!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 11, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

Winter sure makes me popular around here! Especially with
people who haven't got good winter tires and need more traction.
That's OK. Saves me a lot of gas.

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he 
sees a woman with perfect breasts. 
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" 
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. 
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" 

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again; 
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" 
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, 
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." 

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the 
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs 
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, 
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. 
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them 
or not?" 
"Nu", says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much." 



Thanks to Roland for sending me this story:
With all the new technology in fertility recently, a
65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she
was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to
visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for
a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new
baby now?"

"No, not yet," she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I
see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the
baby?"

"When he cries," she told me.

"When he CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he
CRIES?"

"Because I forgot where I put him, OK?!"


At the begin of the flight the stewardess announced that this
was the tenth anniversary for the plane, the captain and the 
chief stewardess. Naturally, there was a lot of applause.

Later, when the plane started descending for landing, the lady 
next to me rumaged through her purse and dug out a couple 
of apples and offered one to me: "If you chew on an apple, 
your ears won't hurt and pop."

I gladly accepted it. I knew it would also alleviate my craving
for a smoke.

Just then a stewardess hurrying from the back towards the 
front passed by, stopped and with a reproachful look reminded
us that we would be landing in seven minutes.
So the lady beside me explained to her that we were eating
the apples to avoid hurting and popping ears.

Her eyes got big, then her face got hard.
"I am going to kill that pilot!"


Frank sent me this one:

Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their
house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her
mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the
father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath Joe's
chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had
to fart.

He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is
farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free, so
he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly
fart.

"Duke!" the father screamed. "Get out of there before Joe
craps on you!"


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender
goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.
"You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,
"and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


Kim decides to do something wild she hasn't done
before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store and, after looking
around for a while, selects a title that sounds very 
stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into
something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment though, there's nothing but static
on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

"Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had 
problems with some of those tapes. 
Which title did you rent?"

Replies the blonde, "It's called, 'Head Cleaner'."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 10, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.



If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," Jill stated to Lin.

"You didn't do it, did you?" asked Lin.

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add,"
Jill replied.  
"What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband, that the rent is
paid up for six months!"



The golfer stood at the edge of the water and attempted to
pitch the ball over it.  It went in.  A voice boomed out from
above.... "USE AN OLD BALL".

He dropped a new ball and put that one in the water.  The voice
again boomed out from above ....."USE AN OLD BALL".

He proceeded to hit a half dozen brand new balls into the water.
 Each time the voice boomed out from above "USE AN OLD BALL".

Finally he looked up and said "What's an old ball?"


A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small
town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house
calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so
you will know what to do.

Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor
checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor.
He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so
hard in her house, she just needed rest.

When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much.
The old doctor said when he dropped his pen that the floor was so clean,
there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.

When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his
turn  to play doctor. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking
terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few
questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to
pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing to much church work and
needed to cut down on what she did.

When the doctors got outside the old doctor asked the young one how he knew
she was doing to much church work.

The young one said, "When I bent down to pick up my pen I saw the preacher
under the bed."



Not now, Ernie!


Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of
children came up. The bride said she wanted three children,
while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the
husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I
hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."


Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape;
likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to
be any one of these.


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

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