Good Morning 
It's Thursday, January 14, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and butt are interchangeable."


Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest 
trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst 
1 go out to my car," he challenged her.

Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and 
said, "You're on."

Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his 
glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet.

"Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", 
he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."

"No chance! You're on". said Sue.

He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, 
and picked up the money. 

Once again he said. "To show you I am a sport,I'll give you
another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my 
head through this hole", he said, holding up his hand and 
making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.

Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, 
"OK, smartie! You're on."

He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole 
and poked his forehead. 

"You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to
get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, 
so tenderly that you won't even feel it."

Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down 
$40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"

Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he 
proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her. 

"Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. 
"I can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!!  Oh WOW! 
You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse."

"Ah, what a shame," said Greg as he continued, 
"but ... you...win... some, ...you... lose... some"






After a tourist had been served in the
Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned
the waitress back and said, "Miss, would
y'all give me a piece of ahss?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition
I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why
not? It's pretty slow here right now, so
let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour
later, the man sat down at the same table
and the waitress asked, "Will there be
anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah
come from in Alabama, we lack our
bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need
a piece uh ahss for mah drink."


Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, 
where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the
pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second.  There, alarms rang and red
lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim.  He quickly returned to his place
seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number
1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil.  "You can't have door number 3.
That's flight attendants' hell."


There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in 
his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, 
in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, 
I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. 
Someone who had committed adultery would say they 
had "fallen." 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, 
until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the 
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest 
said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks 
in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep 
talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the 
new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, 
the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell 
three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of
Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?"
asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good
for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?"
he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed.

"Well, sex, maybe." 

"Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on
the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."


The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about
the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar
representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a
Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you
make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an
Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yes, Sir, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden
even. You see, if you look at that stained glass window on the chapel over
there, even in the Garden of Eden some things were always covered with
leaves. "






Dr. Finkman completed his examination of the teenage girl and took
her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has an STD."
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she
possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?"
"It's possible," replied the M.D., 
"but it would certainly have been very uncomfortable."


Why do Jewish men so often become doctors?
Because a doctor can order a woman to undress without guilt,
he can look at her without fear of being interrupted,
and on best of all, it's usually her husband that pays for it all.


"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Steve
complained. "I've tried everything, but
I just toss and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor
said. "Try putting each part of your body
to sleep separately."

That night Steve crawled into bed, got
comfortable and started to talk to his
body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then his wife walked in wearing a
transparent teddy.

John opened one eye, then lifted his head
from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up,
up...everybody up!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Brian and Pete were talking about premarital sex and Brian 
says to Pete:
"I never slept with my wife before marriage. Did you?"

Pete replies: "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"





A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. 
She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a 
seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty 
and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender 
would do him a favor.

"Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, 
leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."

"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a 
customer gave me some Jewish fly."

"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"

"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try 
it and find out?"

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender 
put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the 
drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to 
the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her 
other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of 
his leg.

"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something 
with you tonight."

"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.

"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"



Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog.
One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted
that his was the meanest and that it could lick
any other dog in the county. The second just looked
at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would
wager his against any dog in the country. Well after
some animated discussion they finally decided to let
the dogs fight it out.

After a very short snarling match the old yellow
dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright.
The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been
beating other dogs for years and had never had
more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the
other farmer and asks "What kind of dog did you say
that was?"

The first farmer replies "Well before he lost his
tail we called him a Mountain Lion!"


One day Little Johnny went walking
around to check out his surroundings
and found a farmer selling chickens.
Little Johnny went over to the farmer
to see how much he was selling them for.

The farmer asked him if he wanted a
male or a female.  Little Johnny asked
for both. So the  farmer said, "Here you
go, one cock and one pullet."

Little Johnny got confused, and asked
him what he meant.  The farmer  said,
"A cock is a male chicken and a pullet
is a female chicken."

Little Johnny said, "Oh," and went on
his way with two chickens one  under
each arm.  A bit further down the road
he saw a donkey for sale.

He went to the man who was selling it
to find out how much it was.  The
man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

Little Johnny replied, "No, I want
the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

Little Johnny, new to these terms,
just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out,
"Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about
going over hills, so you have to scratch
him behind the ears to get him going
again."

So Little Johnny is going back home
and the donkey stops dead in its
tracks and he can't get it to move.
He can't scratch its ear because he
would have to drop one of the chickens
and it would run away.

So Little Johnny starts to fuss and yell
at the donkey.  While he is doing this a
beautiful woman walks up and asks him
if he needs help.

(Little Johnny thinks, hey, why don't I try
to impress this beautiful  woman by using
my new terms that I learned today.)

So Little Johnny turns to the woman and
says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and
pullet while I scratch my ass?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Monday, January 11, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)
"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."





Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob 
told Lester,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this 
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took 
your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii 
and Marie got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, 
and Marie got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Marie didn't 
get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year 
that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."



A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby 
in its stroller when an old friend approached her. The 
woman leaned over, peered into the stoller and said,
"what a beautiful baby boy, he looks just like his father."

"I know," replied the woman, "please don't tell my husband!"


On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new blonde
virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of
course, believes him.

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks.

He returns, only to be questioned by his new blonde wife. "Bruce,"
she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. 
But Harry at the drug store has one too."

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, 
I had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the better one?"


Groaner!
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the
nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral"
activity?"

"That all depends,..." she quickly responded.
"Your face, or mine?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, January 10, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided 
to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the 
entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have 
a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the 
problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she 
was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the 
conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have 
insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be 
a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband 
got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage 
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."



He needs to refine his technique a bit more, or else he is going
to get bitten one of these days!

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered.
The man could not take his eyes away from her. The young
woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the
young woman said to him, "I'll do anything you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket and counted out five $20 bills,
which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my
house."



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over
to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm
sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student
in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean
$35?"


A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was
suffering from I knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity
that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the
doctor. 

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor
doggy style." 

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of 
other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV 
there ain't!"


She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect specimen of
womanhood - with a small baby in her arms. He was in his first day in
private practice, eager to show he knew all about everything.

"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in his best medical
manner.

 "It's the baby", she said, "He seems under-nourished."

 Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive examination of the
baby and then asked, "Is he breast-fed?"

 "Yes doctor, he is", she replied.

 "Will you strip off to the waist now, please?" the doctor said.

The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat anxiously, and began to
protest. "But doctor ... "

The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside by saying, "it is
better to look at everything ... so if you wouldn't mind?"

Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her blouse and bra,
revealing a perfect pair of large, firm breasts. The young doctor
professionally weighed each one in his hands, stroked them forward
and back, and then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few
moments, finally lightly squeezing them between his fingers and
thumb.

 Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing smile. "That's the
problem, you do not have one little bit of milk!"

"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied, "I'm just the baby-
sitter - but it sure has been a REAL pleasure meeting you!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------