She got pregnant without his help
Monday, August 13, 2012, 02:15 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 13
The Olympics are over.
The US won, China was second, Russia was third.
Did England compete?
Well.maybe next time.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small
for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front
sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the
broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of
her and knocked her over. Her mother came out a few minutes
later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in
her pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk,"
her mother said.
"What in the world are you doing?"
The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A Roamin' Catholic
Click through the picture for full size
>From Millicent
Certain medical authorities maintain that Sex is bad for one.
And I agree, heartily!
Sex is bad for one.
But it's great for two.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this time I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Earline didn't get pregnant again.
I Ain't gonna do THAT agin."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors,
and don't work half time.
What do you call an intelligent man in Washington?
A tourist.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Choco Grits
Ingredients:
3 cups water
1/2 cup milk
1 TBSP butter
1 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups grits/cornmeal mix
1 square semi-sweet chocolate
2 TBSP semi-sweet chocolate chips
Directions:
Bring water, milk to a boil over high heat
Slowly stir in grits. Reduce heat to
low and cook covered, stirring frequently,
10 minutes or until thick.
Take off the burner and stir in the chocolate chips,
just gently folded in to create nice swirls
Cover and let it sit for 5 minutes
Shave the semi-sweet chocolate square over it
with a sharp knife, if it is eaten out of one pot
or over each serving, if it is served in individual bowls.
If it is served in individual bowls, you can ladle it into
the bowls before the 5 minute final steeping. If done
right, Choco-Grits are firm and can be cut witout slump.
If you are too far north to be able to get grits, look for
corn meal or Polenta, and even further north, look for
wheat meal or cream-of-wheat. It does not have the
hearty taste of corn, but the recipe still works.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1081
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The Go-Between got her pregnant
Sunday, August 12, 2012, 04:28 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 12
It took only five hours after Romney announced his VP, until
the hysterical Chihuahuas started yapping and frantically
badmouthing him. Judging by their panic, they must be really
worried.
Their silly yapping helped me to finetune my Mailwasher
filters and automatically blacklist the Chihuahuas.
The cartoons in European papers usually lag behind events
by quite a long time, but some of their humor is priceless.
Here is one:
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
allow women on the course during the week. The ladies
were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's
club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from
the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on
the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter
reminding them of the previous letter and demanding
action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter
advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.
Since Cameron was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and
relatives were stunned when he got married, and even more
when his wife became pregnant.
One day a group of them spotted Cameron on the beach and they
came right over. "So, Cameron, how'd it happen?" asked one
of them, with a wink at the woman's ballooning belly.
Cameron blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing
next to his wife. "I have that marvelous young man to thank,"
he explained.
"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.
"Not entirely," replied Cameron with a giggle and a grin.
"He's our go-between."
Click through the picture for full size
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture
at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached
him and asked,
"Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your
county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and
started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the
American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to
practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We will to go to America
and fall down on sidewalks."
Groan Alert:
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson
at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son
was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the
very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse
shoe over the door for luck and then study late into
the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson,
"that IS a whore's shoe."
How many political jokes are there?
Only three.
The rest are true stories.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Cheesy Country Grits
Ingredients:
2 cups water
1/2 cup milk
2 Tbsp. Olive Oil
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup quick grits (or make the long way)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Directions:
Bring water, milk, Olive Oil and salt to a boil over high heat
in 2-quart saucepan. Slowly stir in grits. Reduce heat to
medium-low and cook covered, stirring occasionally,
5 minutes or until thickened.
Stir in cheese and let stand 2 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Stir just before serving.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1079
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Being with cheap, wicked women
Saturday, August 11, 2012, 03:30 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 11
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The
kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in.
As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other
one, "Did you notice how small the rich kids' penises were?"
"Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play
with."
A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed
wrong and connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
Moss Caves
A drunk, who smelled of booze sat down, on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what
causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes
and a lack of personal hygiene."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and
returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently
on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not
have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was
just reading here that the Pope does.
Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is
perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife
sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him
with self hypnosis.And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, just
before their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the
bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this
therapeutic technique:
"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Spiced Butternut Squash Soup
Ingredients:
1/2 Olive Oil or Margarine
1 tsp. pumpkin spice (or use 1/2 tsp. cinnamon and 1/2 tsp. nutmeg)
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 package (12 oz.) frozen and cooked winter squash, thaw it well
1 can (14.5 oz.) chicken broth
1/8 tsp. ground black pepper
Directions:
Heat Olive Oil or Margarine and pumpkin pie spice in 4-quart
pot over medium heat, add onion, stirring occasionally, until
onion is tender, about 5 minutes. Stir in squash, broth and
pepper. Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat to low
and simmer covered, stirring occasionally, until heated
through, about 5 minutes.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1074
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Friday, August 10, 2012, 06:22 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 10
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
The Enemy Times and CNN have decided, based on a poll of
carefully selected Democrats, that Romney is not leading any
more. So ?
Who cares?
They are just trying to get Romney to spend more money on
advertising.
They did the same during the provincial elections here, and
thought they could influence people with media hype.
It did not work. People looked at their wallets,
and voted accordingly, totally ignoring the media hype
and the high caliber pundits in the media.
I would not be surprised if the same thing happened in
November. In the meantime, many Millions will be spent on
low class and not funny advertising.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Murphy's Law of Sex...
1.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered
take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
2. The details of pre-Sex arguing may be forgotten,
but the fact of the arguing is rarely forgiven
3. Sex has no calories.
4. Sex takes up the least amount of time and
causes the most amount of trouble.
5. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
6. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50%
what people think you've got.
7. Sex is like snow; you never know how many
inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
8. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
9. If you get them by the balls,
their hearts and minds will follow.
10. Virginity can be cured.
11. When a man's wife learns to understand him,
she usually stops listening to him.
12. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
13. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man
are usually the same ones she can't stand 5 years later.
14. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
15. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
16. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
17. Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
18.The game of love is never called off on account
of darkness.
19.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair
on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
20.Sex discriminates against the shy..
A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile
later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages
to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is
shouting. However, he thinks she should under- stand what he wants if
he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary
pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then
puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her
crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So
he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife.
"Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes, I did. ", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard
in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the
toolbox under the seat
Click through the picture for full size
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon
Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell
and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners
entered the courtroom.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with
a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The
judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he
smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred
times."
Attributed to Confusius:
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style Orange Chocolate Muffins
Ingredients:
2 Oatmeal Muffin Mix (complete)
1 egg
1 handful semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 frozen orange, washed and grated
2 cups water
--------------------
1 square Semi-Sweet chocolate
1 teaspoon butter
Directions:
Wash and grate the frozen orange on top
of all the upper ingredients in a mixing bowl.
Mix with blender until smooth. Add more water if necessary.
Ladle into muffin papers in muffin tray
Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes
out clean.
Break up the chocolate.
Put chocolate and butter into a ceramic or glass desert bowl
NOT plastic! You need the energy retention!
Microwave 1 minute, no more!\
Stir frantically with a plastic or wooden spoon until smooth
and even colored.
Smear some chocolate onto each muffin. Since the muffins
are hot, it will smooth itself.
These muffins are really easy to make, IF you have a power
grater or food processor, and are very high value trading
items. Guard the secret recipe well!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1069
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Thursday, August 9, 2012, 05:03 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 9
Two more days of early morning raspberry picking
without getting caught, and I'll have my freezer
compartment under the fridge filled.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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He grabbed me by my slender neck
I could not yell or scream
He took me to his bedroom
Where we could not be seen
He tore aside my wrap
and gazed upon my form
I was cool and chilly
He was nice and warm
He pressed his feverish lips to mine
and drank my very life away
he made me what I am today...
AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF BEER !!!!
In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a
middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys
were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of
spelling.
Its spelled ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"
"No its not. It's spelled
'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"
The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll
find its spelt 'W-O-M-B'".
First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen
a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"
Click through the picture for full size
Redneck Speedboat
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,
"I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44
tall."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It
fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and .
. .16-and-a-half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-
half . . .wide.
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and
5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when
the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see
. . .Size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red
light. Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window
really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS
window down,
look at him and yell.....
"Oh, did you fart too?"
There were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior
center one day when the one states,
"I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" asks the other.
"Me and the wife are having sex again today".
"Again? How often do you have sex?"
"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the
secret is...Pumpernickel Bread". And he scurried off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a
bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel
Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread".
"I'll take it all." the old man blurts out.
The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It'll get hard"
The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW
ABOUT THIS BUT ME?"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Grandma's Orange Muffins
Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/2 cup Olive Oil
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 Tbsp. grated orange peel
1 cup buttermilk (you can use milk)
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup coarsely chopped & drained mandarin oranges
2 Tbsp. sugar, for decorating tops
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350°. Grease 12-cup muffin pan; set aside.
Combine flour, baking soda and cinnamon in medium bowl; set aside.
Beat Olive Oil with 1-1/4 cups sugar in large bowl with
electric mixer until light and fluffy, about 1 minute.
Beat in eggs and orange peel. Alternately beat in flour mixture
and buttermilk on low speed just until blended, beginning
and ending with flour mixture. Fold in raisins and oranges.
Evenly spoon into prepared pan, then sprinkle with remaining
2 tablespoons sugar.
Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes
out clean.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1067
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