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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 13

It's finally warming up and I was even tempted to turn the 
air conditioning on. Howeer, since it was time to wash the 
floors, and doing that with all windows open, also cools down
the trailer, I did that, and afterward sat on the outside steps
in the shade. I do like early summer!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

When Emma's parents threatened to forbid her to see her
boyfriend unless she told them why he'd been there so late
the night before, she began to talk.

"Well, I took him into the loving room, and..."

"That's LIVING room, dear," her mother said.

"NOW you tell me!" came the answer.



Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other
and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men
think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that will certainly revolutionize the
game of hockey!"



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Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My
husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and quiet." 

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." 

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start 
and I have to jump on while it's still going."





Click through for the big version

 



Roger had set a double date for himself and his
friend Troy.

Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me
tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy.

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on
looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is
pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she
shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head
over heels anytime."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



From Hank:
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had.  You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused. 

She then asked, "What do you do about it?" 

We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then said,
"You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" 

We said no way! 

She then stated, "You mean a man's penis will go down 
without having an orgasm?" 

We both said yes. 

At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
  


	Demovitivational Stuff

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 12

The current postal strike on Canada may well be the beginning
of the end of the traditional unions. The union is demanding
perks and privileges and rights, that they have won 40 years ago,
when there was no alternative, and they were able to terrorize
the country.

That is no longer the case, and instead of giving in, the 
Canadian Post Corporation reduced their work to three days
per week. Since they are without a contract, they have to
take whatever work they can get.

The union executives still act like perks and privileges won
for previous contracts are a starting point, but the corporation
totally ignores those and only talks about current needs,
what THEY need to get what little mail there is, delivered
promptly.

What a novel concept!
The union bosses can't seem to grasp that at all.

The union members seem to be shell-shocked about the reduced
work week, especially since they know that there isn't really
that much work left to do. Privately, they don't talk very kindly
about the union bosses, and many expect, that the work week 
will be reduced to two days per week, before the union will
accept a contract. 

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she de-
cided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the
frigid water...when a handsome young sailor saw her totter-
ing on the edge of the pier, crying.  He took pity on her and
said:
"Look.....you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the
morning....and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I
will take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added :

"I'll keep you happy...and, you'll keep me happy!"

The girl nodded, 'yes'.  After all....what did she have to lose?
Perhaps, a fresh start in Hawaii would present her life with
some new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-
boat. From then on......every night he brought her three sand-
wiches and a piece of  fruit...and, they made passionate love
until dawn!

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was dis-
covered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she began to
explain.

"I get food and a trip to Hawaii...and, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain said.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry!"



Ole was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new 
hinge so he sent Lena to the hardware store. At the hardware 
store Lena saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was 
waiting for Sven to finish waiting on a customer. 
When Sven finally waited on Lena she asked how much 
for the teapot? 

Sven replied "That is silver and it costs $100!" 

"My goodness tas lotsa money!" Lena exclaimed. 
She then prodeeded to described the hinge that Ole had 
sent her to buy and Sven went to the backroom to find 
a hinge. 

From the backroom Sven yelled, "Lena, voud you vant 
a screw for dahhinge?' 

To which Lena replied "No, but I vill for the teapot." 



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A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature 
had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so 
bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about 
his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.
For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll 
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached 
the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came 
the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster 
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost 
control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an 
embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but 
he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was 
stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. 

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," 
he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along 
the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't 
pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs 
replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, we'll need a tow truck
to get him out!"





Click through for the big version

 



A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts
out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does
anyone know what this is?" 

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" 

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" 

Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the 
bathroom, and the big long one to brush the baby- sitter's teeth."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped
his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his
name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the
wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife
agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to
pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put
her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On
the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining
table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
each room and deposited a few of the shrimp and  resulting shrimp shells
into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the
first few days.Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man
could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything;
cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead
rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced,
and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. 
He asked his forer wife, if she was interested in buying the house.
She reluctantly agreed, when he lowered the price to a pittance.

The Moving company arrived and did a very professional 
packing job, taking everything to their new home. 
Including the curtain rods.
  


	Grand Canyon: Nature Rocks

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 11

Today seems to have been telemarketer's day. Luckily I pay
attention to what Dear Webby writes, and bookmarked that little WAV
file he made: http://webby.com/humor/i/cook1.wav

When I see a 1-800 number in the call display, I hit the shortcut
to that wav, and crank up the volume on the old amp.
It is amazing how that makes ME feel better!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several
nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the
church were beginning to fray.  She went to the priest and told him
"Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her
that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church
property as "our" not "your."

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be
trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him "Father, I've noticed
that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and
this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing.

She assured him she would look for it.  Another few days passed, and the
parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit.  The
whole parish was in a uproar of cleaning, etc.

On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs
yelling "Father, Father, I found your watch!!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said
"Why yes, Father, I found it under OUR bed."



A couple was married for 20 years, and
every time they had sex the husband always
insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
stupid.

She figured she would break him out of the
crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle
of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked
down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.

She gets all upset.  "You impotent bastard," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying  to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says, calmly... " 'll explain the dildo if you explain
the seven kids."



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The most common form of marriage proposal:
"YOU'RE WHAT!?"

--------------------

Q: What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding night?
A: His last name.




Click through for the big version

 



John picked Jill up from work one afternoon, and she seemed irritated.
Jill confessed that the day hadn't gone well, and on top of everything
else, a young customer had addressed her as "Ma'am."
"I'm not that old!" Jill insisted. "I deserve more respect."
Jill vented the whole way home while hitting the scan button on
the radio. 

Finally John asked, "What are you looking for?"
Jill replied, "The oldies station."




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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



 "I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other.
"I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see
leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years
ago."
  


	Bad Bugs that bite

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 10
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Re Skype, don't worry, if you are not involved with Human Rights
or politics. Big Brother is not interested in the weather or 
what your cat has been up to, unless your cat has a name, 
that is on their watch list. My neighbor Maryann is going to be
in trouble with her dog Gadafi.

The other Gadafi, the one in Libya, is now personally targeted
by Al Quaeda and the US government, not just the US media. 
They are now not just arming and supplying the rebels and 
bombing government buildings, they are now after Gadafi
personally! I am starting to feel sorry for the old guy and
his two female bodyguards! Well, at least with his old Jeep 
he won't get stuck on any speed bumps.

Meanwhile, the Syrian government is allowed to use the 
military to kill protesters. Unlike Gadafi, they are backed 
up by Al Quaeda, Iran and North Korea, which makes them 
way too tough for the US military, so they can get away 
with it. 

I sure am glad we don't have that kind of problem here in 
Canada. The post office, not impressed with the rotating 
strikes, has cut service to three days per week. Apparently
somebody counted the actually delivered mail and noticed
that there was way too much paid manpower for the small
amount of mail.

I can see that cut to two days per week, and left there,
permanently. 
The union is definitely ruining things for their members.

What is really funny is that there are no more FedEx and 
UPS trucks on the road than before.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Little Sue came running in from school.
"Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell,
Bobby showed us something that is six
inches long, has two nuts, and can
make me very fat!"

Gasping, the Mom said, "SIX INCHES!! 
What on earth did he show you?

The girl replied, "An Almond Joy candy bar!"



Attorney to prospective juror:  "Have you ever had trouble with 
your back or neck?"

Prospective juror:  "No, I haven't."

Atty.:  "How about your husband?"

Prospective Juror:  "No, I don't have trouble with him either."



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A woman was walking down the high street when
she was stopped by a man who was carrying out
a survey.

"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on
peoples' attitudes towards sex."

"Really!" said the woman smiling.

"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on
the television?"

"Well," replied the woman, "with a couple of cushions on it,
it's quite OK and about the only way for about twelve of the 
positions, even though the TV part doesn't work any more."




Click through for the big version

Laundry Day

 



From Charlie:
"My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I've been going 
with her almost a year now, and I never would have known 
she was married, if my wife had not mentioned it just the 
other day."



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming
to work late," mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the
productivity quota." 

"Me, I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved 
I was a capitalist spy." 

"And I am here for always getting to work on time," added the third. 
"They said that proved I had a Japanese watch."
  


	Time-Lapse Photography

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 9

Ole, don't mention your still on Skype, and Lena, dont mention
your smokable tea herbs, or anything related to tea. 
Big Brother has been given the code. 
Do you remember that involuntary Skype shut-down yesterday,
that came back with an update, that you could not refuse?
I heard that Microslop installed a back door for the CIA and the
FSB. Whatever they did, I am not happy about it!

A lot of friends are testing alternatives to Skype.
ooVoo seemed good, but it turned out to be very sloppy
programming with a lot of nuisance ads. So that was dumped.
It seems, as soon as you take a close look, they all fall apart.
ICQ, which was pretty good in the late 90's, has become
totally childish and focused on playing kid games. That is
out too. 

Google Talk looks pretty solid. The only problem seems to
be the lack of file transfers during chat. So, just to tie up
the resources of the CIA and the FSB, I am going to continue 
using Skype, but only for file transfers. And my pictures 
will have very suspicious and sbversive sounding names
from now on.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

 Life is not about how fast you run, or
 how high you climb, but how well you
 bounce. 
 --- Socratex
 
 Yeah, I noticed the guys yelling "Jump" and "Bounce", 
 when I am not carrying a shovel or they are safely far 
 enough away.



The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the
waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal
in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young
man to whisper,

"Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritated.
"Of course you are!" she said. "and also the best too.
I don't know why you men always ask the same old
ridiculous questions."



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Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of 
them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, 
one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his 
crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining 
that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
 
“No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I’ll be fine...” 
he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. 

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently 
undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his 
genitals. 
“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks. 

“Well... yes... That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my 
thumb still hurts like hell.”




Click through for the big version

 



Ginny was visiting her friend Laura who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

Laura responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.

Ginny asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

Whereupon Laura responded, "What else are you
gonna name watch dogs?"



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter



An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get
a sperm count. 

The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc,it's like this - First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next
door and she tried too, first with both hands, then
an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" 

The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried
we still couldn't get that damn jar open!" 
  


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