Thursday, July 12, 2012, 06:58 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, July 12
Thanks to Roy for renewing his subscription!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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A New York politician died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
The politician thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a
quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter
said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get
you into Heaven."
The politician said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I
also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then
whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this
fellow?"
Gabriel gave the politician a sidelong glance, then said to Saint
Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to
Hell."
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches
for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over
the age of 16 in his town has already been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl
from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and
talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping
until marrying age.
After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves
her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they
make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they
both prepare themselves for the consummation.
They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar
of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of
lovemaking," he replies.
"Well why don't you just spit on it like the monks did
when I was young?"
Click through the picture for full size
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world,
and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops
for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in
the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the
old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll
stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to
be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much
faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young
man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the
moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it
some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees
the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this
old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him
again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and
unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the
mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do
for you?"
The old man whispers "Unhook...my suspenders from
your side mirror."
----------------
That reminds me, a couple of weeks ago week some guy
bought some new sneakers, hoping they would help him get a
job with Parks. They didn't.
So he jumped off the Calgary tower.
And bounced back up, and down and up.
After a week they had to shoot him down. He was becoming
a real hazard in the parking lot.
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife
upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their
young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured.
"I'm not hurting her. We are making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went
back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work in the middle of the day
and found his son on the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
"It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy
answered. "The mailman is upstairs eating them!"
A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the
young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee,
you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?"
The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was
wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him
in mind. "You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"
"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't
know that you could smell it."
There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first
time.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about young
boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like
that, but don't let him do it."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breasts; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do it. He is going to try
to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that,
but don't let him do it.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to
try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going
to like that, but don't let him do it. It will disgrace our
family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her
date.
The next day she told her grandmother that everything went just
as the old lady had said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace our family.
When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced
his family."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Apple &Cinnamon French Toast
Ingredients:
3 cups milk (non-fat or regular)
2 cups pasteurized liquid egg whites (Egg Beaters work well)
3 tablespoons honey
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1-pound loaf sliced bread
1 cup chopped dried apples, (or chop a fresh apple, about 3 ounces)
1/2 cup raisins
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 tablespoon confectioners' sugar
Directions
Whisk milk, egg whites, honey, vanilla and salt in a large bowl.
Trim crusts off 8 bread slices and set aside.
Cut the crusts and the remaining bread into 1-inch pieces.
Toss with dried apples, raisins, cinnamon and nutmeg in
another large bowl.
Coat a 9-by-13-inch baking pan with cooking spray (or use
your favorite baking oil). Transfer the bread mixture to the pan.
Lay the reserved crustless slices evenly on top, trimming to fit.
Whisk the milk mixture one more time, then pour evenly over
the bread. Press the bread down with the back of a wooden
spoon, making sure it's evenly moist. Cover with parchment
paper, then foil, and refrigerate for at least 8 hours or
up to 24 hours.
Preheat oven to 350.
Bake the casserole, covered, for 40 minutes. Uncover and
continue baking until puffed, set and lightly browned,
about 20 minutes more. Let stand for 10 minutes.
Dust with powdered sugar and serve.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
995
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Wednesday, July 11, 2012, 04:52 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 1`
Congratulations to these friends for renewing their
subscriptions:
Shirley
Richard
Billy
Frank
Janet
Bean
----------
Looks like the electioneering has started in the US.
Yes, I know, having my address publicly on the web is
inviting spam. Since I really don't want a gold plated
cast iron yuppie watch (The knuckle-draggers use them
to balance the notebook in the other hand), and since I
don't need any male performance enhancing drugs,
I use < href="http://webby.com/mailwasher">MailWasher to nuke all that crap right on the server.
Somehow the sheeple herders must think I would fall for
their BS. Not bloody likely!
It inspires me, though, to craft efficient filters to clip
all electioneering right on the server, without ever
downloading it. It is actually quite fun to create filters!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she winks back.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks
it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I
will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I
want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof!
There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers
appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari
right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new
Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be
irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
=========
Nowadays I would prefer a topped off VISA to any chocolates.
Like DearWebby, I too have diabetes. In order to fight it and
diabesity, I put some celery cubes into an empty chocolates box,
and sin with those. It's a lot cheaper too!
Thanks to mom for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
>From Bubba
"I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was
needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as
needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was
overused. I was disadvantaged and therefore entitled.
I still don't have a dime,
but I have a great vocabulary."
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."
"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
$200 for that!"
The old woman just smiled.
She knew that after the police smelled his fingers, he would
get two years in the clink.
Cindy strode angrily into the large drug-store / general-store,
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What was the problem? Didn't your cat
like them?"
Cindy's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant
for cats?"
A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and
surprises her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday
night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup. The mother is so
thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally
she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that
without telling me? What's he like? What does he do?
Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet
my new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the
mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a
big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress,
animal tooth necklace, and he is holding a very tall spear
in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth
on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot. .
I said RICH doctor!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Honey/Almond Granola Bars
Ingredients:
1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
1/4 cup slivered almonds
1/4 cup sunflower seeds
1 tablespoon flaxseeds
1 tablespoon sesame seeds
1 cup unsweetened whole-grain puffed cereal
1/3 cup dried currants
1/3 cup chopped dried apricots
1/3 cup chopped golden raisins
1/4 cup creamy almond butter (or Peanut Butter)
1/4 cup raw cane sugar
1/4 cup honey
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt (optional)
Directions
Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat an 8-inch-square pan with
cooking spray.
Spread oats, almonds, sunflower seeds, flaxseeds and sesame
seeds on a large, rimmed baking sheet. Bake until the oats are
lightly toasted and the nuts are fragrant, shaking the pan
halfway through, about 10 minutes.
Transfer to a large bowl. Add cereal, currants, apricots and
raisins; toss to combine.
Combine almond (or peanut) butter, sugar, honey, vanilla and
salt in a small saucepan. Heat over medium-low, stirring
frequently, until the mixture bubbles lightly, 2 to 5 minutes.
Immediately pour the almond (or peanut) butter mixture over
the dry ingredients and mix with a spoon or spatula until no
dry spots remain. Transfer to the prepared pan.
Lightly coat your hands with cooking spray and press the
mixture down firmly to make an even layer
(you may wish to wait a couple or minutes for the mixture
to cool first).
Refrigerate until firm, about 30 minutes; cut into 8 bars.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
992
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Tuesday, July 10, 2012, 02:33 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 10
Congratulations to these friends for re-subscribing:
Sig
Arthur
Bart
Some of you need to Renew your subsciption!
The automatic renewal you had set up with PayPal had to be
stopped, because the IRS wanted me to charge you tax.
Since they just use that money against you,
DearWebby vetoed that and set up a fresh account, that they
can't touch. Just go to SUB and click yourself another year
of subscription.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
|
A minister decided to do something a little different one
Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began
to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang
"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total
silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began
to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began
to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she
found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from
the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled
the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment
line with the biggest cowboy boots she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took
him back to her apartment for an evening of fun.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone
but, by the bedside table were two $100 bills and a note that read,
"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair
of boots that fit you."
Thanks to mom for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's
washing daddy's face with it."
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
"What was that for?"
"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it"
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around
the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading
and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
"What was that for this time?"
"Your horse phoned!"
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to
be her."
"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray
glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual,
the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He
sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and
everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is
naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but
can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the
postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still
naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Billy Bob then
says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already
broken!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Beans the Fiesta Way
Ingredients:
1 16-ounce can nonfat refried beans, preferably spicy
(or make from scratch, using recipe on the package)
1 15-ounce can no-salt-added pinto beans, rinsed
1/2 cup prepared salsa (or make from scratch)
2/3 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese, divided
4 scallions, sliced
Directions
Position rack in upper third of oven; preheat broiler.
Combine refried beans, pinto beans, salsa and 1/3 cup cheese
in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring, until the
mixture is hot and the cheese is melted, 6 to 8 minutes.
Spoon the bean mixture into a 2-quart baking dish and
sprinkle with the remaining 1/3 cup cheese and scallions.
Broil until the cheese is lightly browned, about 2 minutes.
Serve as a Main Dish, a Side Dish or with Tortilla Shells.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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Monday, July 9, 2012, 04:43 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Moday, July 9
Congratulations to these friends for re-subscribing:
Catherine
Jim
Leonard
David
Mary
Larry
Some of you need to Renew your subsciption!
The automatic renewal you had set up with PayPal had to be
stopped, because the IRS wanted me to charge you tax.
Since they just use that money against you,
DearWebby vetoed that and set up a fresh account, that they
can't touch. Just go to SUB and click yourself another year
of subscription.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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Jill, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one
of her parties. A friend of hers brought his brother who
had just been ordained a Priest. She offered the friend a
drink from the tray and said, "I'm sorry Father, I'll go right
back to the kitchen and bring you a coke."
The Priest smiled and said "No need to. I may have
alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape."
"Oh !" said Jill blushing, "So that's it. I knew it
was one or the other, that I wasn't supposed to offer you."
O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost
fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in
church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am s
o glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back,
I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy
came to church every Sunday.I also knew that Shaunassy had
to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it
in the back of church.
So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal
Shaunassy's hat."
The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal
Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"
O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
Shaunassy's hat."
The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I
talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you
talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
I remembered where I left my hat!"
Thanks to mom for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see
her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual
questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my
patients these kind of questions: I can tell
what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down,
told her to take her clothes off and lokoed her up and
down some more, kneaded, squeezed and prodded here and there
much like a vet does with an animal, that has some mystery
ailment, wrote out a prescription. He handed it to her and
said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work,
we'll have to have you put down."
A really fat guy got out of the shower at the health club.
A second guy said, "Gee, you're fat!"
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've
seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long time."
The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"
The fat man replied, "Why? What color is it now?"
"I'm finished with Judi!" Jimmie exclaimed to his Jon.
"What'd she do?" Jon asked.
"She told me she was . . . bisexual!"
"Man. That bothers you that much?"
"Hell yeah!" Jimmie shouted, "Who wants to get laid just
twice a year?"
The union leader running for a senate seat was at a
news conference.
A reporter jumped up and asked, "Your secretary announced
this morning that you have a tiny penis. Would you comment
on this?"
"The truth is," he said, "that she has big mouth."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Chicken Piccata, Mushrooms on Pasta
Ingredients:
6 ounces whole-wheat angel hair pasta
1/3 cup all-purpose flour, divided
2 cups chicken broth
1/2 teaspoon salt, divided
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
4 chicken flat pieces, (3/4-1 pound total),
trimmed (or use Shrimp or you favorite fish)
3 teaspoons olive oil, divided
1 10-ounce package mushrooms, sliced
3 large cloves garlic, minced
1/2 cup white wine
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons capers, rinsed
2 teaspoons butter
Directions
Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook
until just tender, which is approximately 4 to 6 minutes or
according to package directions.
Drain and rinse.
Meanwhile, whisk 5 teaspoons flour and broth in a small
bowl until smooth. Place the remaining flour in a shallow dish.
Season chicken with 1/4 teaspoon salt and pepper and dredge
both sides in the flour.
Heat 2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat.
Add the chicken and cook until browned and no longer pink in
the middle, 2 to 3 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate; cover
and keep warm.
Heat the remaining 1 teaspoon oil in the pan over medium-high heat.
Add mushrooms and cook, stirring, until they release their juices
and begin to brown, about 5 minutes.
Transfer to a plate. Add garlic and wine to the pan and cook until
reduced by half, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in the reserved broth-flour
mixture, lemon juice and the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt. Bring
to a simmer and cook, stirring, until the sauce is thickened,
about 5 minutes.
Stir in parsley, capers, butter and the reserved mushrooms.
Measure out 1/2 cup of the mushroom sauce. Toss the pasta
in the pan with the remaining sauce. Serve the pasta topped
with the chicken and the reserved sauce.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
No man should ever make this noise!
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Sunday, July 8, 2012, 05:37 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, July 8
Thanks Dwayne!
Thanks Francis!
Some of you need to Renew your subsciption!
The automatic renewal you had set up with PayPal had to be
stopped, because the IRS wanted me to charge you tax.
Since they just use that money against you,
DearWebby vetoed that and set up a fresh account, that they
can't touch. Just go to SUB and click yourself another year
of subscription.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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A man was in the hospital recovering from an
operation when a nun walked into his room. She was
there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man
and nun started talking and she asked about his
life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children....you're
a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very
proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic.
I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm....you're a sex
maniac, aren't you?"
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and
regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I
gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
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Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
>From Sharon
You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher
Millionaire - You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines to
help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.
Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not,
your Mother will give you her opinion.
For $100:
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that
crashed and burned on reentry?
A. Oy Veys Mir
For $200:
Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
A. All right, everybody get in the car.
For $500:
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahoo.
For $1,000:
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A. Oil of
Oy Vey.
For $2,000:
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? A. Debbila
Does Windows
For $4,000:
Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband
in the act with his secretary? A. "The Plaintiff."
For $8,000:
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000:
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000:
Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and
beautiful? A. Nothing.
For $64,000:
Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000:
Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm? A.
She puts down her nail file.
For $250,000:
Q. When should a Moyel retire?
A. When he can't cut it anymore.
For $500,000:
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A. A fur coat.
For $1,000,000:
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian
Grandmother? A. The accent.
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A Sham Rock
Q: Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
A: It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it
wants to.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do
something about my husband - he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists.
"He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps
me awake."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE
Ingredients:
6 or 7 cooked mashed sweet potatoes (baked or boiled,
use small or medium potatoes with no bruises on them)
1/4 cup butter
1 egg
4 tablespoons brown sugar
3/4 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup freshly squeezed orange juice
1 teaspoon grated orange zest
1/2 cup pecan halves for topping
salt to taste (optional, I do not salt this recipe)
Directions
Combine all ingredients in a bowl: except the egg and
the pecan halves (topping).
Taste the mixture and adjust your salt and sugar if needed.
Stir in egg.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
970
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