Good Morning !
Thanks to those of you who sent advice about the talking scale.
I'm not really all that heavy. I weigh under 100 pounds
(from the waist up).
Ophelia

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It's Tuesday,  November 11, 2008
Remembrance Day in Canada, Veterans Day in the US
Armistice Day in the UK

Pittance Of Time

Canada honors the veterans on the $10 bill
Veteran on $10


One Rememberance day, an old RAF Pilot was interviewed live 
on BBC in the good old UK. The interview went something like this.

BBC. I'm sure you would have may stories you could tell us 
about your missions. I s there one that really stan out in your mind.

Pilot. Sure, there is one.
One early morning, we mustered up to fly a mission into Germany.
Half way across the channel, we met up with a bunch of German 
Fokkers.

BBC interupts. Excuse me sir, for those viewer who don't know, 
A Fokker is a type of airplane the Germans used.

Pilot. No No. Not this time, those fokkers were flying Messerschmits

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: 
"Bring $5000 to the seventeenth hole of your country club tomorrow 
at 10:00 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 p.m. by the time he arrived at the designated 
meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and 
demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. 
"I'm a 27 handicap."

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room
to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll
just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and
decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of
the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it
would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the
base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it
might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse
who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried,
"Can't we just make his legs longer?"

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"
he pleaded with a proprietor, "or just a bed, I don't care
where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant --
an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be
glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores
so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in
the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. 
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with
the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time,"
said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the
manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat
up all night watching me."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new
colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on
the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then
said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this
afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime,
thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young
enlisted man, he asked brusquely, "What do you want?"  
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, 
"just here to hook up your telephone."

Good Morning to YOU !
Yes, I would love to have some butter-horns with dark
chocolate on the side. That is why I chose these colors.
However, I am getting tired of my talking scale insulting me
by saying: "One at a time, please!"
So I will just have a coffee with you.

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Catholic Girls
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger
in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well
once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The
Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of 
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tiffany sticks her butt in it."


An older couple went to the doctors office together.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, 
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have 
intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make 
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the 
doctor, then leave.  

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's 
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't 
go to my house. 
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do 
it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

  Cookie Recipe for cat lovers
1... Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2... Get cup of coffee.
3... Get cat off of cookbook.
4... Find that special recipe.
5... Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6... Go to fridge and get eggs.
7... Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8... Break eggs in small bowl.
9... Sift dry ingredients into a large bowl.
10.. Answer the phone.
11.. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13.. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14.. Throw flour out and get more.
15.. Preheat oven for cookies.
16.. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
17.. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
18.. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
19.. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
20.. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom
        things have been knocked over on top of the counter. 
21.. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl. 
22.. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23.. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs. 
24.. Clean up bathroom. 
25.. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now. 
26.. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen. 
27.. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour. 
28.. Step on cat's tail and get bitten in ankle. 
29.. Get coat, car keys, cat, and drive to store to buy cookies. 
30.. Squeeze cat through partially open window into a stranger's car at 
        the store parking lot. 
31.. Eat most of the cookies on the way home.
32.. Act surprised when you see the cat sleeping on your chair
         when you get home.


A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,
"YOU MISSED THE F****G PUTT, DIDN'T YOU?"


In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, 
can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get 
pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we 
have nothing to worry about."