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Good Morning 
It's Monday, April 11, 2011

re the polenta I mentioned yesterday, it is sold under many
different brands and names. Scarpone is anothe popular one,
and pretty well any name, that is famous from popular mafia 
movies. You usually find it at one end of the pasta section
in the store.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Do you know the punishment for bigamy? 
Two mothers-in-law.



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What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your
hand?

A man's undivided attention.





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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said:  "Pardon me, madam.  I do not intend to be
forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"  
"Yes, I know." said the lady, 
"I need both hands to hold onto this hat."    

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said 
the gentleman in earnest.  
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, any-thing you see down there is 85 years old.  I just bought this
hat yesterday"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


What is the difference between mass and weight?
Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, 
and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic.


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for
a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."



	Splash of color

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, April 10, 2011

Got some good food from Maryann, my dear neighbor, again.
She is the fake blonde.
She saw some big huge sausage in the store, with some Italian 
name and colors, and a very very good price. 

She complained that it had no flavor and must be vegetarian
sausage.

"Catelli? Yes, a good name for pasta and polenta. It's polenta.
I'll give you half a dollar for it."

Polenta is corn meal boiled to perfection, so that it is firm
and can be sliced like sausage, and it is sold filled into
a big sausage skin. It is neither salted nor sweetened, and can 
be used instead of dumplings with stew or chili, or it can
be sprinkled wtih cinnamon and Stevia or sugar, 
and fried to make a very delicious dessert. 

Actually, there are probably a Million different ways to use
polenta for a nice desert, and I doubt I have tried even 1%
of them. So far.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was
back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."



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When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a 
speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want 
to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has 
had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining 
example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could 
ever do justice."
 
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause 
he looked up with a grin and said, "It's really hard to read 
my mom's handwriting."





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A mother gets up during the night to do as nature intended, when she
hears some strange noise from the living room. Going to investigate, she
snaps on the light. She is utterly surprised to find her daughter stark
naked on the couch, with a young man the mother didn't know atop of her.
"Well -- I never!" exclaimed the mother. 

"But mom, you must have!" smirked the daughter.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and
gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his
fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and
jumped out of the car. "I've got just two words for you," she screamed.
"Drop dead!" 

And I've got just two words for you," Roger screamed back.
"Let go!"


Do you know when a Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout?
When he eats a Brownie.



	Sons of the pioneers

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, April 9, 2011

The YWCA, the Calgary Homeless Foundation and  First Calgary 
Financial have teamed up to provide stable and safe homes for 
single women. The supportive housing operation – the Ophelia – 
has 15 units and will offer long term occupancy to its tenants.
I live in my own trailer, and wonder why they named that 
housing project after me? I do feel honored, though!
Hopefully I will even get a few more subscribers!

http://snipurl.com/ophelia-housing

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	




Since 1/1/11

 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Three friends are in a car driving to the ball game when a
Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed
by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How
many times did you cheat on your wife?
And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know."

"Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was
banging two may be tree different babes a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo
Metro over there, goodbye." 

He looks at Eddie and asks,
"How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies,
"I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on
my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron,
goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how
many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say
that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife!
In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I
remained celibate the whole time!" 

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that 
Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for
Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet.
Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and
his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. 

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! 
We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new 
Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife go by,
on a skateboard, with worn out wheels."



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Father O'Brian, a young priest was sent to a very
small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a
couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest
a visit to see how he was doing.

Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I
don't think that I could have made it this long without
my Rosary and two martinis each day."

"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop.  "You've taken to drinking?
What kind of example is that to set for the community?
This doesn't reflect well on the church."

"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it.  If it
weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I
would surely have gone insane."

The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that
is understandable considering..."

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a
martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes,
that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, 
"Rosary, would you please fix us two martinis?"




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We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.  During the ride we talked about
how the procedure would be performed.  "Dad," our teenager asked, "how
are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" 

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a
dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it
said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex." 

After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the 
person who named this dessert."


How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? 

It's the one with bite marks on the cap.



	Top Sports Pix

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 8, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Govt office advice

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly.
If it clanks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it is a friend, take a break.
If it is the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it is handwritten, type it.
If it is typed, copy it.
If it is copied, file it.
If it is Friday, forget it!



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Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth -
why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant : "I didn't want to wake up the children."




Click through for the big picture

 


A man went into the proctologist's office for his first
exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination
room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he
noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the
doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a
beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is
my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know
what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and
stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and
yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a
BUTT LIGHT!!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always
dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save
any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each
time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy
bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure
for about a year. After that time, they decided that there
is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the
piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and says; "Isn't it
strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy.
But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied; "Not everybody is as stingy as you are!"


Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how
they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red
roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the
vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that
his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm
for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask
his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied
"Don't forget your sweater".



	Balloons, weely weely big ones!

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, April 7, 2011




Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her
room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best
suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk
and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing. Almost
immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door,
and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast
service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" 

"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "I come to get laundry."



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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" 

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough." 

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"





Click through for the big picture

 


Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss
Hottwot." 

Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs 
are all gone."

Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The third-grade teacher was teaching
English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of
poetry, but could be changed to prose
by changing the last line from "the
lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb
went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an
example of poetry or prose. Johnny
raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and
asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . butt."


Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and
tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the
hall to the chapel  and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it
was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a  contest to see
who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,

"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"



	Balloons, weelym weely big ones!