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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, July 10, 2009 Well, that sure was a very brief warm-up. Back to March temperatures, half way between Brrr and Grrrr! WestJet just added another 11 direct flight destination in the South, even one to Cuba. It seems that hiring the grand daughters and grand sons of the Delta and United stews is paying off for them. Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your eminence, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you are wearing Sister Ann's slippers." 
A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and she asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." She said "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?" There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming.... "If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent." Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one.... ...."If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550." Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks..... "Vots he goink to do?" Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!" The second cries," Bot of us !?!" A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, July 9, 2009 It finally warmed up enough today to go shopping with the top down. On the car! Some funnel clouds in the afternoon, but none of them touched down. Dave Carrol from Halifax is getting even with United for breaking his guitar. United breaks guitars http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOq ... r_embedded Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it." 
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes with a wide grin on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head." A college freshman comes home after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?" "Yes I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds stripped for gym." The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who is Jim?" A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea of what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud. "No", she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling." "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $100 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, July 8, 2009 I sure miss the Global Warming we had in th early 2000's. This newfangled politically correct "Climate Change" back to the way it was in the 90's is not doing anything for my tan. It's not doing much for the lawn seed either. It just doesn't seem to want to sprout in the former dandylion patches this year. Well, at least I don't have to water the lawn. Enjoy Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes. Dude #1: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal." Dude #2: "Try putting a big potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that." Dude #1: three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before." Dude #1: Looking him over: "Uh...try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks." 
With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?" "It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?" "Tell me about it," coaxed Brian. "It's your wife." replied Peter "My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us." One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?" "Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't think the stem was THAT long!" Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering questions asked by the clerk. "Olga, how old are you?" Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary." Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?" Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall." "And how much do you weigh, Olga?" was the next question. "I weigh yust about 185 pounds." "Wow", exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!!" "Oh no," answered Olga. "I yust play with Olie's packer." Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself." "That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?" "Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Once, while driving around in my pickup with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had a flat tire. I got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck.A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?" I replied, "Its a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack ass!" 
Dr. Porter was very tired so he got his wife to answer the phone by the bed, say he was out, and give advice, which he whispered, to her. "Thank you very much, Mrs. Porter." said the patient who called, "but I should like to ask you one thing. Is that gentleman who seems to be in bed with you fully qualified?" "Hey Sally," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?" "Damned right!" replied Sally. "I count on it." On still another diet, Sue had lost a few pounds and a lot of her usual sunny disposition. After making a snappish remark to her husband, she apologized and reminded him that he was supposed to stick by her through thick and thin. "I know," he said, dryly, "but thick was a lot easier." As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle- aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!" | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, Juy 6, 2009
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop. "I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . " "And then what?" "And then all heaven broke loose!" 
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!" A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off. Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower. He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared. She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?" A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never cheat on me again!" "I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said, "Can't you see I'm tapering off!" The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't' !"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!" | |||
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