Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  March 10, 2009

-26  This is getting ridiculous!
Mother Nature must really be pissed off at that Algorian Bozo!
We should be seeing the first snow bells and daffodils by now.


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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Ken and Barbie had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the
only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year- old son,
Little Johnny, in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and
order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would
distract him for an hour or so. Little Johnny began his commentary as his
parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he
called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" his startled father
asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," Little Johnny replied.





The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch.
"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said,
dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those
years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"Well,  I outweighed him by fifty pounds,....."


Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's
room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That
should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."


   He said... Do you love me just because my father left
  me a fortune?
   She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter
  who left you  the money.


   He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
   She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  March 9, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Hector was married to a much younger woman. After
several years of a very happy marriage, on the day after
his 50th birthday party, he had a heart attack.
His doctor, who was about the same age as his wife,
advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out
sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he
should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them
both from temptation.

One night, after several days, he decided that life
without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming
up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"




John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As
they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her
arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets
you like that after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."


Q. What's the most important question to ask when you want 
to have safe sex? 

A. What time will your husband get home?


On hearing that her elderly grandfather
had died, Jenny went straight to visit her Grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gramma explained, not
holding back anything of course,

"He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified Jenny suggested that sex at the age of 94 was surely
asking for trouble!

"Oh No," Her grandma replied,
"We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"If it wasn't for that dang Ice Cream Truck passing buy, He'd still
be alive!!!


 The evangelist was giving one of his fire and brimstone sermons
against all the evils, sins and temptations of the world, covering everything
from murder to gambling.  One middle-aged woman sat in the pew 
swaying and rocking, and frequently punctuating the evangelist's 
words with a loud "Amen, Brother, Amen!"

Spurred on by her encouragements, he began to exhort the evils of
alcohol and drugs.  The lady even began humming in-between the 
chorus of her "Amen's". 

"And now," shouted the sweating evangelist, "I come to the worst
sin of all.  Those of you who have fallen into the temptations of the
flesh.  Yes, Brothers and Sisters, I'm talkin' 'bout SEX now.  You,
most of all of you, will have to forego your loose morals and mend 
your ways !"

The woman stopped her swaying, and with an angry look on her face
said, "Now the old fool's taken to meddlin' instead of just preachin'."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  March 8, 2009

Tonight we switch to Summer Time,
to the tune of snow ploughs, loaders and snow trucks. 
Right now, as I am writing this, it is snowing heavily.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Mrs. Trent, seated in her living room, heard the back
door slam. Thinking it was her young son, she called,
"I'm in here, darling. I've been waiting for you."

There was no answer for a moment and then a strange
voice faltered,
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I ain't your regular milkman."




A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching
it between his teeth. As they walk through the market,
someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the
coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and
Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but
serious woman in a blue business suit, is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then, she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried
way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the
boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then
ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the
woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy,
the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to
her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting
ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and
starts effusively thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before --
it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce
Attorney."


In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her
husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted
that he went to the News office and told that he had found a
12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South
America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get
particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter:  Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown: He does.
Reporter:  Is he in?
Mrs.Brown: No he isn't.
Reporter:  I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter:  Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter:  Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown: No, it is quite handy.
Reporter:  Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown: Almost ten months.
Reporter:  Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown: He thought he was.
Reporter:  Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter:  Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter:  Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown: No, but quite near it.
Reporter:  Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter:  Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter:  Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown: I do my level best.
Reporter:  Do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter:  Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed
reporter departed very quickly.


"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent,
suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.  "Why, no
Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a
little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question
to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her
belly.  "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann,
blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the
corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby
carriage.  Looking in, the priest observed,
"Cute little Fart!"


Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe,
would you please name the organ of the human body,
which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins,
I don't think that is a proper question to ask me.  I
assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and
asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the
eye, in dim light."

Correct," said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I
have three things to say to you,
One, you have not studied your assigned homework.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  March 7, 2009

Twenty One days until they announce Global Cooling!
I'm sure looking forward to the heat wave, that is bound to follow
that announcement!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a
…. well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to, ...
ever since you came in the door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"




"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "a special
message just came in for you from the admiral.  I have it right here."

"Read it to me," the captain ordered.

The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-
brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."

The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"


A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've
ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't
stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination
first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy
through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing
your stuttering."

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor?"

"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually
large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is
putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never 
have to deal with."

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Dddd...Do it!" the guy replies. 

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy 
comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you
solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've
only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it
anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and 
I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going 
without the sex - I want  you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "Nnnnno-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"


O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became
entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued
her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him.
Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their
honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said,

"You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "It's in bed, is
how I lost all of my other suitors.


GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

1).  What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means
the same as intercourse?

2).  What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only
two of?

3).  What can you find in a man's pants that is about six
inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much
that they often blow it?

4).  What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5).  Name five words that are each four letters long, end
in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6).  What does a dog do that you can step into?

7).  What four letter word begins with f and ends with k,
and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

8).  What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can
make a girl fat?

9).  What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the
bottom of birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on
some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man
gives it to his wife after they're married?

     ANSWERS:
     1.    (talk)
     2.    (legs)
     3.    (a twenty dollar bill)
     4.    (firetruck)
     5.    (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
     6.    (pants)
     7.    (fork)
     8.    (Almond Joy candy bar)
     9.    (grit)
     10.   (last name)





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  March 6, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile
teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of
the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her
approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he
moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze
measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs
of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word,
smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign
hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided
her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking
her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his
movements deliberate, confident in his ability to
satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching
desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her
grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it
had been made only for her. As pleasure and
contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze,
tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this
woman would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again...

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES????


Beware of Shadows


I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned
about her husband's smoking.  She told me that she had
finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at
home to only those times, when they had finished making
love.  She had gotten the idea from a classic movie
they had both seen on TV.

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Just great! Now how do I get him to smoke more?"


A little boy and girl were walking along a trail in the woods. The
little girl noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.
"Little boy, why is that rabbit on top that other one"? she asked. The
little boy stops to consider his answer, and replies, "they're making
cigarettes".

"Cigarettes"! she says, as they countinue walking along. Pretty soon
they approach a couple of racoons. The little girl asked, "are they
making cigarettes too"?
"Yea," says the Little boy. 

The little girl looks around and says "It looks like all the animals are
making cigarettes." 

" Why don't we make cigarettes?" she asked. 

The little boy was quick to say, "Ok"!

A short time latter the little boy and the little girl were walking
out of the woods, when she asked, "Little boy, what kinda cigarettes 
did we make"?

The little boy stops to think about his answer, then replies,
"Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, 
and if you don't it's a Lucky Strike".


A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get
this, that ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made
love to every woman in this building except one."

"Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into
space. "Must be that stuck up Janice on the fourth floor."


The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout
some relaxing oral sex honey... only $30... you look all
uptight."

"No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So???" queried the hooker.

"My wife will do it for $25." he replied.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD