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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, May 9, 2010 Enjoy! Happy Mother's Day!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt that there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits." A pastor of a church in a small surfing town in southern California was perplexed because he didn't seem to be having much success with the young people of the area. All they seemed to be interested in was surfing. Understanding this, he decided that his next sermon would be on surfing. When his wife found out about his plan, she nearly went into a rage. "You don't know the first thing about surfing," she protested. "You're going to make a complete fool of yourself." "Well," he started, "I do have a week to study up. I'll go to the library, where there any number of surf magazines I can study. Besides, I've already put in the announcement that next week's sermon will be on surfing and for all the kids to invite their friends. Why, I'd look like a fool if I didn't preach on surfing." That wasn't the end of it; the argument raged on all week. That Sunday on their way to church, the pastor told his wife, "It's all right, I've studied well, and I can even recognize the top surfers just by their pictures." Arriving at church, she said that if he insisted on making a fool of himself, she wasn't even going to go in, so in the car she stayed. Some of the church members stopped by the car and asked why she wasn't going in. "Well," she started, "I don't think my husband knows the topic he's about to preach on very well, and I just don't want to witness his embarrassment when he makes a fool of himself." "Very well," they exclaimed and rushed on in with peaked curiosity. As the sermon was about to begin, the pastor recognized some of the top international surfers in the congregation. "My wife was right," he thought. "If I preach on surfing now, I'll truly make a fool of myself." To avoid this, he changes the topic of the sermon to sex, a sermon he had preached many years before. After the service, the same members stopped by the car again and told the pastor's wife that the sermon went well and that he had related it well to the young people and that he really did know his topic. "How could he," she fluttered. "I mean I ought to know! He's only tried it twice. Once before we were married and once after -- and he fell off both times..." 
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out to get away from his snoring. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely that she can also think. It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 8, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bus took eventually off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena, there's a nice motel, how about ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over. A raggedy old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped her. When it was over, the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She replied, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, ... unless you're too tired." From Virginia 
There were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!" "What's your hurry?" askes the other. "Me and the wife are having sex again today". "Again? How often do you have sex?" "Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernikle Bread". And he scurried off. As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernikle Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter. "Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernikle Bread". "I'll take it all." the old man blurts out. The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard" The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?" A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, May 7, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Jill: Did I tell you about the great training session I attended for the office last week? Jenny: No! Let's hear it. Jill: Well they put us up in a great hotel, and I met some very interesting people. Jenny: That's wonderful! Was your room nice? Jill: My room? Gee, I don't think I ever saw MY room! A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's ok, then I won't tell you who the father is!" 
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing. The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." "Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!" "Chihuahuas", Melvin replies --- Just like some people have collections of Blonde jokes, I used to have a collection of Chihuahua jokes. My favorite definition of a Chihuahua has always been: "Soccer ball for blind athletes."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, May 6, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" Survival Kit Put M & M's into a cute container and add these directions: To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate, eat the BROWN one. At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one. Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression. The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left Alone. If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW one. The BLUE one reduces Bloating. If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat the WHOLE BAG!!! 
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant." On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our rela- tionship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins." She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker." "No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should sort it out."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults. Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 5, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Jack was to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside chat. "Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said 'Here Honey, try these on'. So she did, and said 'Well sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them' so I replied 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here Babe, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me". Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and I don't want you to forget that". At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine". So he tries and says, "I can't get even half way into your knickers". Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will!" Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said Hold on, Sister Margaret - not so fast!" But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem. You never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter. "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me." A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Pete? It's Maggie. It's gonna be a while! 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening. "Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." "Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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