|     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, April 9, 2011

The YWCA, the Calgary Homeless Foundation and  First Calgary 
Financial have teamed up to provide stable and safe homes for 
single women. The supportive housing operation – the Ophelia – 
has 15 units and will offer long term occupancy to its tenants.
I live in my own trailer, and wonder why they named that 
housing project after me? I do feel honored, though!
Hopefully I will even get a few more subscribers!

http://snipurl.com/ophelia-housing

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	




Since 1/1/11

 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Three friends are in a car driving to the ball game when a
Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed
by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How
many times did you cheat on your wife?
And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know."

"Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was
banging two may be tree different babes a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo
Metro over there, goodbye." 

He looks at Eddie and asks,
"How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies,
"I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on
my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron,
goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how
many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say
that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife!
In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I
remained celibate the whole time!" 

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that 
Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for
Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet.
Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and
his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. 

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! 
We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new 
Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife go by,
on a skateboard, with worn out wheels."



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Father O'Brian, a young priest was sent to a very
small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a
couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest
a visit to see how he was doing.

Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I
don't think that I could have made it this long without
my Rosary and two martinis each day."

"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop.  "You've taken to drinking?
What kind of example is that to set for the community?
This doesn't reflect well on the church."

"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it.  If it
weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I
would surely have gone insane."

The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that
is understandable considering..."

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a
martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes,
that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, 
"Rosary, would you please fix us two martinis?"




Click through for the big picture

 


We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.  During the ride we talked about
how the procedure would be performed.  "Dad," our teenager asked, "how
are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" 

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a
dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it
said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex." 

After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the 
person who named this dessert."


How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? 

It's the one with bite marks on the cap.



	Top Sports Pix

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 8, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Govt office advice

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly.
If it clanks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it is a friend, take a break.
If it is the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it is handwritten, type it.
If it is typed, copy it.
If it is copied, file it.
If it is Friday, forget it!



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth -
why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant : "I didn't want to wake up the children."




Click through for the big picture

 


A man went into the proctologist's office for his first
exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination
room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he
noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the
doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a
beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is
my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know
what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and
stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and
yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a
BUTT LIGHT!!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always
dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save
any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each
time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy
bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure
for about a year. After that time, they decided that there
is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the
piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and says; "Isn't it
strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy.
But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied; "Not everybody is as stingy as you are!"


Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how
they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red
roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the
vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that
his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm
for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask
his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied
"Don't forget your sweater".



	Balloons, weely weely big ones!

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, April 7, 2011




Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her
room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best
suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk
and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing. Almost
immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door,
and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast
service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" 

"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "I come to get laundry."



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" 

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough." 

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"





Click through for the big picture

 


Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss
Hottwot." 

Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs 
are all gone."

Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The third-grade teacher was teaching
English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of
poetry, but could be changed to prose
by changing the last line from "the
lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb
went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an
example of poetry or prose. Johnny
raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and
asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . butt."


Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and
tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the
hall to the chapel  and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it
was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a  contest to see
who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,

"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"



	Balloons, weelym weely big ones!

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What happened yesterday?
My newsletter wasn't ready, so the ol fart sent out his 
newsletter to MY subscribers. Well, I am not worried about
you switching from my newsletter to his. After all, I DO
look a lot cuter than DearWebby does.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


A young married woman was discussing her sex life
with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to
your husband when you're making love?"

She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I
could. I mean, he does have a cell phone, 
and I do have his number!"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.
For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape;
likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.
A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.
A baby jackass will always become a jackass.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow up to
be any one or all of these.





 


Katie, an honest seven year old girl, admitted calmly to her
parents that Freddie had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
"but Mary and her sisters helped me catch him."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed
a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the
couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their
destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to
get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.

During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver
noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way," panted the groom, "You find your own! This one
is married now."



A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is
this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union
house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in
search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until
he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes,
this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd
like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a
rather overweight older woman in the corner, "but Ethel here
has fourty years seniority over her."
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels.


When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is
this a union house?"


"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.


"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."


Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.


At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union
house?"


"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.


"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"


"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."


Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in
search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until
he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes,
this is a union house."


"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"


"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."


"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd
like her for the night."


"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a
fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here
has seniority."



	Just the right angle

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Monday, April 4, 2011

It warmed up a bit, and people in Medicine Hat and other Southern 
Alberta towns are getting busy preparing sand bags. 
When all the snow, that is still in the mountains, gets hit 
with a warm spring rain, there is going to be flooding,
and they are getting ready for it.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 570 Subscribers.             Countries


Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.
-------
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
-------
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam
to eat the apple.
-------
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
-------
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not
admit adultery.
-------
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him
-------
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and
700 porcupines.
-------
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived,
they found Jesus, - in the manager. Jesus was born
because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
-------
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


Arriving for her artificial insemination,
Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant
locked the door behind them and began taking
off his clothes.

"And just what do you think you're doing?"
she demanded.

"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all
out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give
you draft."





Click through the picture to the large version.

F-18 Hornet

 


The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the
pharmacists' convention.  "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I
can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental
Swing in her room.  Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for
both
straight and kinky sex, including bondage.  She's yours for the night
for only $300."

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."

"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have
any generic lays?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that
they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes
off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes
his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the
girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great
dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing."


Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the 'Act'.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey
ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and
the milkman get bucked off!"



	Tire Tracks