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Good Morning It's Sunday, August 8, 2010
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Ophelia
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Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others bring happiness whenever they go. An old bull was showing his young bovine friend his pasture one day when they topped out on a hill. Below in the valley were dozens of cows. "Lets run down there and service one of those cows" said the young bull. "Son", said the old bull, "lets walk down there and take care of all of them." 
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my boyfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my boyfriend that he give me a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My boyfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party ever again.
Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals!
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home,
for pennies instead of paying big money.
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but yesterday my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, Father Hibbard accross the street took off for a mission in Africa, and Mr Beasley next door, shot himself." At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river. The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing." She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, 'F*ck or drown!'"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
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and a friend were invited to a pot- luck party. Everybody brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it, said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake." After 's friend tasted it, she blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert." A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs, dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top. Naturally, a fight broke out between her and the daddy over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style. He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!" "Yes dear," she said, "you did... you asked me for my phone number!" 
point-to-point wiring
On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins." She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker." "No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up." "Yes, Dear."
Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals!
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home,
for pennies instead of paying big money.
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!
A Fire Fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Fire Fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat, with an empty collar tied between their collars. The Fire Fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice Fire Truck," the Fire Fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The Fire Fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the Fire Fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope to the spare collar between the cat and the dog, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" He says, "Well, yes, ah shore did, Ma'am!", She begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" He says, "Back home in Texas, I'm married." So she starts to put all her clothes back on. "What tha Hall?", the Texan asks. Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Friday, August 6, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
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Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night? "He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?" "Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother. "Now you tell me!!" replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'." 
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."
If you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair
remover and hair growth inhibitor?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals!
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home,
for pennies instead of paying big money.
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!
The farmer, concerned that his horse had not experienced a bowel movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very large suppository. The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the animal's rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn and systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the designated port of entry. Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, The farmer exclaimed: "Listen up horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon, I'm going to stick this thing up your ass!" For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John." "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again, "Sir, what is your name ?" "Jeff." "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime... "watching bubbles in a bath". He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?" "Bubbles."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal." During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah.." After completing his statement, the Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was, "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now.." Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, "Don't forget the coffee!" 
Cultural Differences
A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times. Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar?" The bartender gives him a nod. "Buy her a drink on me." The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
That reminds me, do you want the formula and instructions for
producing a natural hair remover and hair growth inhibitor?
No more shaving, waxing and smelly chemicals! Now you can
make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, for pennies
instead of paying big money. For yourself, plus you can bottle
and sell it. Your first batch will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!
A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, 'What a great chest you have.' The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.' He takes off his pants and the woman says, 'What massive calves you have.' The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.' He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.' These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very s.l.o.w.l.y. tells the first guy "I w.a.s. a.l.m.o.s.t m.a.r.r. i.e.d. The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes " y.e.s I w.e.n.t t.o a d.o.c.t.o.r .a.n.d h.e t.o.l.d m.e, t.h.a.t i.f I s.p.e.a.k. s.l.o.w.l.y, I w.i.l.l n.o.t s.t.u.t.t.e.r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he "was almost married". "W.e.l.l m.y f.i.a.n.c.e.e a.n.d I w.e.r.e s.i..t.t.i.n.g. o.n h.e.r p.o..r.c.h a.n.d h.e.r d.o.g w.a.s s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.c.k a.n.d I t.o.l.d h.e.r t.h.a.t w.h.e.n w.e a.r.e m.a.r.r.i.e.d s.h.e c.a.n d.o t.h.a.t f.o.r m.e a.n.d s.h.e t.h.r.e.w t.h.e r.i.n.g i.n m.y f.a.c.e." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend " W.e.l.l I s.p.e.a.k s.o s.l.o.w.l.y, t.h.a.t b.y t.h.e t.i.m.e s.h.e l.o.o.k.e.d. a.t t.h.e d.o.g, h.e w.a.s l.i.c.k.i.n.g h.i.s b.u.t.t."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
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A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to The doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?" He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy." "And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?" "Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy. "And what is Mommy's real name?" And little Timmy says, "it's Tammy." "That is great," the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?" Timmy said, "it is daddy." Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?" Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "Meathead." Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... " His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Susan taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Susan. Johnny's mother told Ms. Susan about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Susan taught it that way to the class. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Susan exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say,one and one, the sum-of-which is two." 
Serious plumbing!
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to go home. The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her. "I'll hide you away on my ship as long as you'll have sex with me when I ask and then you can go home." She hugs him, crys and agreees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in great trouble if she's caught. So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night. Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. Scared she explains "Dont be mad sir one of your sailor stowed me away to take me home to poland, is bringing me food and screwing me." "No shit lady.....this is the Staten Island Ferry" A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first house of ill repute he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again. So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a b-j for 5 dollars!" The madam there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin." "What's a penguin?" "You'll see." So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a lady comes in and starts on him. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy, with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!" A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" So the mother asks the good doctor, if she could have gotten pregnant in a public toilet. The doctor grinned and she replied: "Sure, why not? I myself apparently was conceived in a Volkswagen Beetle, and I got pregnant with my first daughter in a phone booth, during a thunderstorm."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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