Good Morning 
It's Friday,  May 8, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her
breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
"Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a
man and he said,"Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an
inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store. He
begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.

She was really pleased about that and grinning from ear to ear
and walked into a Chinese restaurant nearby to celebrate.
In there she collided with a waiter. The waiter bowed and said,
"A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."





How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, 
and half the time they don't work.


 A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and
cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she
wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. 

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" 

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged 
and poured her a glass of cider. 

The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts!
This cider doesn't work!" she whined. 

"What are you talking about?"
asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "What made you think that
cider would ease your pain?" 

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick 
in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"


A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly
lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to
sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It
has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any
other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming
out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard
almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and
says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your
house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you,
then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests
ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides,
he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in
the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat
(after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.
She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost
three weeks, it had been many, many months without
companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep
their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they
had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after
that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on
his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock
on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese
torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he
got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is
another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock
tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be
grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the
window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture
test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  May 7, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A fat lady rides the bus to work every day.  Today
she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in
her lower abdomen.  She finally realizes that its
just a tremendous build up of gas from something
she ate.  The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't
know what to do.  Then she remembers that pretty
soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts
and it will rattle and bang and make lots of
noise.  She will be able to pass this gas and
nobody will know.

What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also
rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all
the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs
across the railroad tracts.  So last night he
stayed after work and had the maintenance crew
tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all
the moving parts to quiet down the old bus.
Well, here come the railroad tracts, the fat lady
raises up on one cheek and lets it rip.  It was
one long, loud, juicy sounding fart.  The bus
didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now
you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as
everybody started looking around.

The fat lady thought that maybe no one knew who
did it and that she should just act natural.  She
thought she should just start a conversation with
someone as if nothing had happened.  She leaned
over to the man sitting across the aisle and
casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?'

He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next
tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves....'





"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling
his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised.  "Take special care
with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class.  And
do your assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed.  "She hissed at
me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."


Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. He had one
long standing wish: to suckle at the voluptuous breasts of the Queen to his
hearts desire. Every time he passed the queen he got frustrated. One
day he revealed his desire to the King's chief advisor, Birbal, and begged
him to do something which would allow him to achieve what he yearned
for more than anything else in the world. Birbal, after much thought
agreed on the condition that once his desire had been met, Ahmed 
would pay him 1000 gold coins. Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high octane itching lotion and poured
it into the Queen's bra whilst she took her morning bath. Soon the
itching started and grew in intensity, and the King became very concerned
indeed. Consultations with the doctors and with Birbal to whom the doctors
reported revealed that only a special saliva applied for four hours
would cure the malady. Birbal also advised the King that, in the whole of
Arabia, only Ahmed's mouth carried this saliva.

King Akbar immediately summoned Ahmed and ordered him to apply his
special saliva to the Queens breasts for four hours and Ahmed
dutifully set to the task by licking, biting pressing and playing with her 
breasts for the prescribed period thus achieving his heart's desire.

Satisfied, he returned to Birbal but, to Birbals rage, refused to
honor his agreement by paying him the agreed 1000 gold coins knowing, 
as he did that Birbal could never reveal the matter to the King.

But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

The very next day, Birbal put the same lotion into each piece of
King Akbar's extensive collection of underwear, 
just before he left for an extensive vacation.

The King again summoned Ahmed.........


"My professional and my personal lives have become way too
intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew.  "Last
night my husband nudged me awake, and began to make love.
Without giving it a thought, I said, 'Welcome Aboard'."


The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to
his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool
cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large
charge from rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.



Q. What is the definition of true male eloquence?
A. When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his
hands.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  May 6, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A little town attracted the attention of sociologists at the state
university because of its high birth rate. A team of researchers
writes a grant proposal, gets a chunk of money, hires additional
staff members and moves to the town.
While the staff is busy getting ready for the big research effort,
the project director goes to the local coffee shop for a cup of
coffee. While he is drinking his coffee, he starts talking with the
proprietor, and at one point in the conversation he asks the local
man if he has any idea why the birth rate is so high.
"Sure," says the coffee shop owner. "Every morning the 6:00
train comes through here and blows its whistle for the crossing. It
wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep,
and it's too early to get up."





So," Jane asked the detective she had hired,
"did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way
restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she
said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear, that he was
following you and taking pictures for his web site."


Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another
fifteen pounds first."


The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a
year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with
English.  One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her
boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful.  How long is his furlough?"

"Oh... yust the same as husband's yours, but a little bit thicker."
the au pair replied."


An old farmer comes running across field screaming. The farmer's wife
was at the kitchen window wondering what the hell was going on. He
rushes in house and says, "Ma, get in bed I got a hard on."

She slowly gets undressed and gets in bed. He looses his hard on. He
gives her a stern lecture, "Next time I come screaming you be in bed
ready!"

Two months later here he comes screaming across field. She sighs and
gets in bed.

He rushes in and says, "Ma you damn sex maniac, get out of bed---the
barns on fire!!"



A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said
the neighbour, "and do what I did. "Once my husband came home at three
o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' 

"And that cured him?." asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  May 5, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Every morning Custer rode thru the Indian Reservation on his
horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every
morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the
gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust
horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I think I know
what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the
significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied "He doesn't like your horse either!"





She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a
few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."


You just might be a redneck, ....
If you find more cars than you expected,
when you mow the grass.


When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her
operation,  she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it
would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their clothes.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their clothes, and paint in the
nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door. "Who is it?", calls one of the women.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two women look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that
no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
open the door.
"Wow," says the man, "nice to see you!
Where do you want these venetian blinds?"



Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices
that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something
bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll probably miss me."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  May 4, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd
Psalm.  He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted
by the phrase
"Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I can handle having Guinness
and Marcy folowing me around. They are OK.
But I don't want Shirley following me around all the time. 
She's a gossip and a spoilsport!"





George said to Mary, "I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have
the best sex that you have ever had without me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said,
He replied: "Here is ten dollars that says I can do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she
could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed, "Well, it may have been the
best sex I've ever had... but you DID touch me!"
George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed with these
words, "You are right. I lost this bet. Do you want to give me a
chance to win it back next weekend ?"


A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross- examined.
The lawyer thundered at him: "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did
you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
The witness said meekly, "My mother did."


A little Polish kid's starting in kindergarten.
The teacher says, "Every day you have to put on a clean pair of
underwear."
By Saturday, he couldn't get his pants on.


From Bob:
I was at a bar, I asked a girl to dance, and every time I twirled her
around, she got two inches taller.
I said, "What's going on?"
She said, "You're unscrewing my wooden leg."



A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
hypothetical question:  "If your beat was a lonely path in Central
Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a
strange man had suddenly  grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, 
what would you do?"

The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would
endeavor to reconstruct the crime."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD