|  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, August 7, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

 and a friend were invited to a pot- luck party. 
Everybody brought a dish.
When it came time to serve dessert, the person who
prepared it, said the recipe was called
"Better Than Sex Cake."

After 's friend tasted it, she blurted
out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named
this dessert."



A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a
shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend.
As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs, 
dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

Naturally, a fight broke out between her and the daddy over her
inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother 
stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young 
she had dressed the same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something 
to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did... 
you asked me for my phone number!"

 


point-to-point wiring


On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride,
"I have a  confession that should have made before,
but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." 

"What is it?" she asked. 

"I'm a golfer," he said. 

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked. 

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll
be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, 
and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your 
wishes and golf -- golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said,
"I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty,
I should tell you that I've concealed something about my 
own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response,
"just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip
and that should clear right up."

"Yes, Dear."


Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


A Fire Fighter is working on the engine outside the station 
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon 
with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly 
coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Fire Fighter's 
helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat,
with an empty collar tied between their collars.

The Fire Fighter walks over to take a closer look. 
"That sure is a nice Fire Truck," the Fire Fighter says 
with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The Fire Fighter looks a little closer and notices the 
girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the 
cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the Fire Fighter says, "I don't want to tell 
you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that 
rope to the spare collar between the cat and the dog, 
I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, 
but then I wouldn't have a siren."


A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the 
desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman. 

In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens 
it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. 

He looks surprised but invites her in. 
She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" 

He says, "Well, yes, ah shore did, Ma'am!", 
She begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she
stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" 

He says, "Back home in Texas, I'm married." 

So she starts to put all her clothes back on. 

"What tha Hall?", the Texan asks. 

Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy,
not the greedy".




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------()-------Ooooo-------.
----------\ (---------(   )--------
-----------\\---------) /----------
----------- \ _)--------//------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 6, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband
 comes home from work and leans against the freshly
 painted wall.The next day, she says to the painter, "You
 wanna see where my husband put his hand last night? "He
 sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work
 ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"



"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your
girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the
older brother.

"Now you tell me!!" replied the younger sibling
with the swollen eye.
I thought you said 'where'."

 




A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud
physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra,
that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are
history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends
him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What
does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."


If you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


The farmer, concerned that his horse had not experienced a bowel
movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very
large suppository.

The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the
animal's rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn and
systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the
designated port of entry.

Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, The farmer exclaimed: "Listen up
horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon, I'm going to stick this
thing up your ass!"


For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey.  He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started
out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the
university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.
"John."

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know
what is your favorite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door.
He asked again, "Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff."

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good
number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime...
"watching bubbles in a bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses, to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl
opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------()-------Ooooo-------.
----------\ (---------(   )--------
-----------\\---------) /----------
----------- \ _)--------//------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, August 5, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry 
her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about 
each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each 
other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a 
honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were 
lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed 
up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, 
this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, 
where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid 
down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an 
Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn 
more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. 
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down 
on her towel hardly out of breath. 

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?" 

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both
sides of the canal."


During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain 
came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger 
briefing,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be
cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah.."

After completing his statement, the Captain forgot to disconnect 
his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was, 
"You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob 
right about now.."

Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane 
immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the 
Captain of his miscue.

While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger 
raised his hand and was heard to say, 
"Don't forget the coffee!"

 



Cultural Differences


A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.
She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises
her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment,
everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When
she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get
another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy
armpits. This happens a few times.

Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to
the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that
ballerina on the other side of the bar?"

The bartender gives him a nod.

"Buy her a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a
ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can
lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."


That reminds me, do you want the formula and instructions for
producing a natural hair remover and hair growth inhibitor?
No more shaving, waxing and smelly chemicals! Now you can 
make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, for pennies
instead of paying big money. For yourself, plus you can bottle
and sell it. Your first batch will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home
with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, 'What
a great chest you have.'

The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'

He takes off his pants and the woman says, 'What massive
calves you have.'

The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running
and screaming out of the apartment.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after
her. He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of
the apartment.

The woman replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that
dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.'


These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s.l.o.w.l.y. tells the
first guy "I    w.a.s. a.l.m.o.s.t   m.a.r.r. i.e.d.

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't
stutter any more."

The answer comes " y.e.s   I  w.e.n.t   t.o   a
d.o.c.t.o.r .a.n.d  h.e   t.o.l.d    m.e,   t.h.a.t
i.f  I  s.p.e.a.k.   s.l.o.w.l.y,   I    w.i.l.l
n.o.t   s.t.u.t.t.e.r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again
about how he "was almost married".

"W.e.l.l   m.y    f.i.a.n.c.e.e    a.n.d  I   w.e.r.e
s.i..t.t.i.n.g.  o.n   h.e.r     p.o..r.c.h  a.n.d
h.e.r   d.o.g  w.a.s  s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g  h.i.s
b.a.c.k    a.n.d    I    t.o.l.d h.e.r   t.h.a.t
w.h.e.n   w.e     a.r.e   m.a.r.r.i.e.d    s.h.e
c.a.n  d.o   t.h.a.t   f.o.r   m.e   a.n.d  s.h.e
t.h.r.e.w    t.h.e     r.i.n.g     i.n     m.y
f.a.c.e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend

" W.e.l.l    I     s.p.e.a.k    s.o   s.l.o.w.l.y,
t.h.a.t    b.y     t.h.e  t.i.m.e     s.h.e
l.o.o.k.e.d.  a.t   t.h.e   d.o.g,    
h.e    w.a.s   l.i.c.k.i.n.g   h.i.s    b.u.t.t."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly
well child visit to The doctor. The doctor asks the
little boy, "Do you know your name?"

He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy."

"And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"

"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy.

"And what is Mommy's real name?"

And little Timmy says, "it's Tammy."

"That is great," the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor
asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"

Timmy said, "it is daddy."

Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?"

Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "Meathead."

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother 
approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way 
of doing math.

Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Susan taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Johnny's classroom and 
confronted Ms. Susan. Johnny's mother told Ms. Susan about 
Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that 
Ms. Susan taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted.

She said that she couldn't understand why Johny had said 
what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Susan exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we
say,one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

 



Serious plumbing!


A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a
beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the
sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford
to go home. 

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her. 

"I'll hide you away on my ship as long as you'll have sex with me
when I ask and then you can go home." 

She hugs him, crys and agreees. So late that night they sneak 
on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. 
He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay 
hidden because she'll be in great trouble if she's caught. 

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every
day and sleeps with her every night. Finally one day the captain is
strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover
discovering the girl. 

Scared she explains "Dont be mad sir one of your sailor 
stowed me away to take me home to poland, is bringing me food and
screwing me." 

"No shit lady.....this is the Staten Island Ferry"


A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny.  
So he goes to the first house of ill repute he sees.  
He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one.  But, since he only has 
five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to 
the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars.  
I'm really horny, and I need a b-j for 5 dollars!"

The madam there says "OK.  For five dollars, we can 
give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man 
to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and 
waits for his "penguin."  

Soon, a lady comes in and starts on him. Just as he's about 
to let loose, she stops and walks away.  
Now, the horny guy, with his pants at his ankles, 
waddles after her, shouting "HEY!  WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. 
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the 
mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, 
but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never 
ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

So the mother asks the good doctor, if she could have gotten
pregnant in a public toilet.

The doctor grinned and she replied: "Sure, why not?
I myself apparently was conceived in a Volkswagen Beetle,
and I got pregnant with my first daughter in a phone booth,
during a thunderstorm."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal
blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The
nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private
room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse
knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left
hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could
you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but
you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins.

"I really appreciate this," he interrupted,
"but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"


A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar
on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and
make small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got
my name. What's your name?"

"Beerboobs," the man replied.

 




She makes LOTS of money
wif her shovel.


A captain in the French Foreign Legion was
transferred to a remote desert outpost. 
in the FFL, officers are from France, enlisted men
from anywhere but France.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking
camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He
asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel
tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so
when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for
morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long,
lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his
sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant,
"BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the
other men, and led the camel into the Captain's
quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his
tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with
pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do
it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Not really, Sir, 
usually they just use it to ride into town."


A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the
hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer. He then went
to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens. He
didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper
suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand
and hold each chicken under you arms. He did this and
started to walk home.

Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging
out of a low cut dress. She looked lost. He asked "Lassy can
I help you, you look lost?" She replied, "I am, I'm looking
for my Uncle Mr. Simms. The farmer said, "Why he's my
neighbor, follow me there." So off they went, he was getting
tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why
sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the
wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?" "Now how
can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and
chickens I carry?" he said.

She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground,
the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and
I'll hold the chickens!"


A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling
system of the head and the heating system of the heart.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------