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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, November 6, 2010

523 Subscribers. 

Read today:
"The Electronic Privacy Information Center filed a petition for 
review and motion for an emergency stay, urging the
District of Columbia Court of Appeals to suspend the Transportation
Security Administration's full body scanner program. EPIC said that
the program is 'unlawful, invasive, and ineffective'. EPIC argued 
that the federal agency has violated the Administrative Procedures
Act, the Privacy Act, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, and the
Fourth Amendment. EPIC cited the invasive nature of the devices, the
TSA's disregard of public opinion, and the impact on religious freedom."

Bunch of silly ninnies! what difference does it make, when it 
shows to a security guard that she has foam in her bra and that
he has a flashlight in his pocket? It's at an airport, not a marriage
brokerage or dating club, and they would never date any of those
guards anyway.

Those machines are going to stay. Even though many of them
don't really work, they ARE effective in scaring terrorists away
from airports. That's good enough fo me. 

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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Peter: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out
directly and   ask him if he's  married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
  What  will a goose do?
  
A:  Make him bark?

 

  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.
Luxembourg Garden, Paris

 

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going
to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at
least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She
didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one
handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other
one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed
that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"


A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the end of it.  She is so beautiful he cannot take his
mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says,
"Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch.
You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy.  "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly?  No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the heck is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it.  You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way
to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops
the stuff in the woman's drink.

Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden
he feels her body close against his, and her voice is
whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying
"I can't stand it anymore!
.......You excite me so much...
take me shopping!"



Funniest police report:



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Good Morning 
It's Friday, November 5, 2010

522 Subscribers. Welcome on board, Joe!

Missed the pumpkins this year. Dang!
Usualy after Halloween the stores sell off all their pumpkins for 
under half a dollar. So I buy a bunch and separate out the seeds
and dry them, and sometimes even make a pumpkin pie.
This year, there were few pumpkins in the stores before 
Halloween, and none on sale after. 

I wonder what happened?

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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A man went into an empty bar and ordered a beer. As he was walking
around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from
one edge. Next to each line there were initials. The man asked the
bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?" 

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them 
as far as they can and mark a line."

Our hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he could beat 
all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go.

"Sure," was the reply.

He pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3. He started to mark
his line down when the bartender said, 
"No, Mate, the locals start from the other side!"


From Rosie:
For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini
incision, which, along with the previous scars, would
form an arrow on my tummy.

"Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen
years and four kids, I hardly need directions."

 

  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.
Now THAT is really old style, a fireplace at each end-wall.

 

A young lady who had been going out with a young
man for more than a year was asked by her parents
what she thought his intentions were.

"I'm not quite sure," she replied. "He's
been keeping me pretty much in the dark."



The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady
who sat on the other side of his desk.

"I was right, Mrs.Green,"he announced."You
are definitely pregnant again."

"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said
Mrs.Green grimly. "You'll have to help me-
enough is enough,I want one of those
hearing aids!"

"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor, "Surely
you mean a contraceptive device?"

"I mean a hearing aid, doctor.  You see, it's
like this.  Every Saturday night my husband
comes in drunk. When we get into bed he says:
"Now then-are we going to sleep, or what?"
And every blasted time I say:'What'?


A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying
on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her.

"Are you alright?" he asks her.

"Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks.

"Oh No!" she shrieks, "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist
down as well!!!"



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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, November 4, 2010

521 Subscribers. Welcome to Ruben!
Now that the election is safely over, maybe we can start growing
the subscriber family. I hope so!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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Two clergy persons are on an airplane,
a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.

After a while, the priest turns to the bishop
and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your
faith that you are not to drink coffee?"

The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that
is still one of our beliefs."

The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you
ever had a cup of coffee?"

"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to
admit on one occasion, I did succumb to
temptation and tried a cup of coffee."

The Catholic priest nods in understanding
and goes on with his reading. A while later,
the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church
that you remain celibate?"

The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still
one of our vows."

The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have
you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one
occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."

The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly
for a moment.

A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the
Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than
coffee, isn't it?"


There was a little boy standing in the bathroom of a store.

Watching an older man pee in a urinal, the little boy said,
"My daddy has two of those."

The man asked, "Your daddy has two penises?"

The little boy replied, "Yes. He has a little one that he 
uses for peeing and a big one he chases Momma around 
the house with."

 

  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.
Awwww, how sweet! Another 218 of those, and I could pay
my phone bill!

 

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw 
a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.
Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, 
and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands 
and kissed him. 
Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little further?"

He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at
another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it
inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. 
"Do you want to go a little further?"

Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.

" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached 
over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread 
herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it 
in for you?"

He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it
hanging out."


Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the
first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed,
"Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your
baby and what did it cost?"

"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"

"Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty."

"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a
beautiful little doll."

"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."

"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."

Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's
and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get
your baby and how much did he cost?'

"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost
about $5,000.""

The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy
walked on.

Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You
know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me,
she REALLY got SCREWED!"



Richard and Jeannie decided to "go steady".  Several weeks
later he was quite pleasantly surprised to find she was very
adept at sex.  "Have you done this before?" he inquired.

"Yes, but just once." Jeannie replied.

"Oh? And with who?" Richard asked.

"The Varsity Football Team." she said.



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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, October 27, 2010

521 Subscribers. 
Welcome to ONE new subscriber, Richard!

Subscriber Marie told me, that the reason the was no enthusiasm
for those 30's cars, is because Americans don't like cars, whose
names they can't pronounce. 
Good point!
OK, to day we have a trike with a name that should roll off your
tongue quite easily.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon, they were working in the
garden together. As the wife bent over pulling weeds, the husband says,
"Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it is as big as the
gas grill". The husband picks up a yardstick to prove his point. First he
measures the grill, then his wife's butt. "Yeah", he says, "Just about the
same size".

That evening they went to bed. The husband cuddled up to his wife
saying, "How about a little loving"? 

The wife turns over, with her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. 

"What's the matter"? he asked.

She answered sarcastically, "You don't think I'm going to fire up
this Big Ass Grill for just one little weenie....... do you?


A young husband comes home one night, and his
wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling,
I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me
a test today, but we until we find out for sure,
we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the doorbell, because the young couple
hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man
from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the
visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the
electric company offices the first thing the
next morning. "What's going on here? You have
it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband
shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option
but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

 
 


 

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: I had to go shopping for new underwear last
      weekend. What a horrible experience!
      Everything I saw was a thong!

Jill: Can't you wear the thong?

Mary: Oh, I can wear it all right. You just can't
      SEE it when I do!


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some
cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it
closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending
machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers, one thing leads
to another, and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3:00 a.m. and
says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife is going to kill me!
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum
powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then goes
home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is
pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?" his wife demands.

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use
the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there
and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and
ended up in bed with her," he says.

"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?" she questions.

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams,
"You &%@&%!* liar! You went bowling again!"



Student: "How long do you want this report to be?"

Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper much like
a lady's dress -- long enough to cover the subject, yet
short enough to keep it interesting."



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Good Morning 
It's Monday, October 25, 2010

520 Subscribers. Lost one.

Nobody commented about yesterday's car either.
Well, I'll try one more Elegant Thunder car. 
7.1 Liter, 240 Cubic Inch straight six. 
Can you imagine the SOUND of that?

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always
wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing
them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home,
asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about
me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom,
undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his
new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything
different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was
hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?
'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"


One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for
her sins, came to a Baptist church.  She got up in front of the
congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier
who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but
now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I
will sleep with the Lord," she finished.  But before the
congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out
in a clear voice, "Thasch allright momma, screw 'em all."

 

 
 
 Click through the picture for the large version
 1931 Mercedes Roadster
 7 Liter, straight six
Elegant Thunder

 

Judy decided she wanted to become
a nurse. Her first day at the
hospital she was given several patients
to bathe and change their beds. Her
instructor arrived in the room just
in time to hear the male patient give
a howl of pain.

The teacher took Judy to one side
and said. "When we make the beds,
we gently turn the patient to one
side and push the sheets up against
his back. We then roll him over on
the other side and pull the sheets firm."

"We  do NOT pick him up by his penis
and shove the sheets under him."


A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.


It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with the letter 'T'...

Examples of those days are:

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
THANKSGIVING
TODAY
TOMORROW
THATURDAY
AND THUNDAY



A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.  The doctor looked her over
and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.

The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the
pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.

The man quickly agreed.  The doctor warned him, though, that there was a
slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the
father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he
please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.  The man said he felt
absolutely fine and he could take more.  The doctor turned the dial up to
40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.  The woman delivered
the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he
could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home.  There, on the front step, 
was the mailman, dead.



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