Friday, July 6, 2012, 07:21 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
 |
 |
Subscribe |
 |
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 6
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
 |
Please, help me stay online!
|
>From Don
When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned
rather than rented, two of my husband's friends gave him a
bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled,
the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three months later we held a Christening party for our third
child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short,
we remembered our housewarming gift. In front of our guests,
I opened the attached card and read it aloud,
"Donald, take good care of this one. This one is yours!"
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked
the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver
jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long,
painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease
up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't
have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what
happened to my trailer and the boat and six cases
of beer in it?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
No, that is not her. She does not ride any more.
Two women friends had gone for a *Girls Night Out*, but had been
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One
of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
knickers and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.
They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the
other husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My
wife came home last night without her knickers."
"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her bum that said 'From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you'.".
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da
plane, and Pierre was in da back when da plane started bouncin around
and knocked Boudreaux unconscious.
Pierre got worried when da plane started driftin, and come up to da
front to find Boudreaux sprawl out all over da steerin wheel. Well,
Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin so he grab da microphone and holla
"May Day! May Day!
Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don
know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry 'bout nuttin.
We gonna splain you how to land dis plane, step by step. Furst, how high
you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da
front of dis plane. "No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an
where you location?" Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an
I'm from Lawzeeanna!" "No! No!" came the exasperated voice. "Ah needs to
know how many feet you got off da ground and you planes relation to da
airport!"
Pierre, he really be panicking by dis time. He say firmly, "Counting
Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun! An I
don believe dis plane be related to you airport!"
A long pause in da Control Tower--de silence was deafaning and then the
voice come back-- "We needs to know who be you next of kin.."
Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist. She
confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with
her dentist and she was going to propose to him.
Rosey said, "Nina, you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have
dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"
"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me
-- 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."
Ole lived across river from Clarence whom he didn't like at all. They
all the time were yelling across the river at each other.
Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come
over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"
This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the
river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over
dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould?"
Ole says, "OK, by yiminy I tink I vill do yust dat".
Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops
to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.
Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence,
you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6
in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across
da river"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Gluten Free Cranberry Bread with Nuts
Ingredients:
2 cups gluten free flour (use even amounts of sorghum,
tapioca, and brown rice or Teff flour.)
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
1 Tablespoon orange zest
3/4 cup orange juice, freshly squeezed
1/4 cup butter or butter substitute, melted
2 eggs
1 cup whole cranberries
3/4 cup walnuts + 1 cup walnuts chopped-
(3/4 cup for batter and another 1/4 cup top of bread before baking)
1/3 cup raw sugar to sprinkle on the top
Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
In a medium sized bowl, sift all the dry ingredients together.
Mix all the liquid ingredients together in a separate bowl.
Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients and mix
until just moistened.
Add the whole cranberries and 3/4 cup of chopped walnuts.
Spoon the batter into a greased loaf pan (top with the 1/3 cup
raw sugar and more walnuts if desired).
Bake for about 45 minutes. Once the bread is fully baked,
let it cool for about ten minutes, in the pan, before turning
it out on your cooling rack.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
963
|
permalink |
( 3 / 63 )
Thursday, July 5, 2012, 04:12 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
|
|
Subscribe |
|
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, July 5
Watch the news for action in Ukraine!
The Pro-Russian side of their parliament tried to force
through a bill by using bar room brawl tactics, for example
pushing MPs away from their voting consoles and pushing
voting buttons for them. Naturally, a lot of people are
getting rather uptight about it all, which is rare for Ukraine.
Even the Femen, a group of topless female protesters,
rarely draw more than a hundred protesters to stad with them,
but now things are heating up quickly. The protesters seem
to have just as much teargas as the cops, and it's getting
noisy.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
|
|
Please, help me stay online!
|
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earth-
quake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down
to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened.
As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask
him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland,
and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake
like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going
to come down on us."
The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"
"Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that
earthquake was happening."
"Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?"
Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"
I was about to leave the coin laundry when the owner,
an old friend, called me over and asked if I would
mind dropping off her's cousin's laundry, cuz her
cousin was eight months pregnant and can't get out."
I cheerfully agreed as it was on my way home. and
drove to the address, and knocked on the door.
A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi,
there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?"
Holding up the white bundle of laundered clothes, I
said, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes got as wide as
saucers, as she shrieked!. -"Mom,!! come quick! It's
the stork!"
Click through the picture for full size
Maureen is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maureen is engaged to be married a
third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maureen
as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At last, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maureen and
her first husband, or Maureen and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
NAMING THE FATHER FOR CHILD SUPPORT IN ENGLAND
The following are all replies that British women have
put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for
listing the father's details:
These are 'genuine' excerpts from the forms.
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to
the identity of the father of child B, but I believe
that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand
Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by
my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen
again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the British
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as
all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that
he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at EuroDisney - maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed
in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained
unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't
be sure which one made you fart.
In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is
illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both
laws were good, so there it is illegal to have sex with a
drunk fish.
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent
phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had
gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend,
and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found
them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly,
"and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers'
braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Real Irish Soda Bread
Ingredients:
4 cups all purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons shortening
1/2 cup raisins
1 tablespoon caraway seeds (I omit these at times)
1 &1/4 cups buttermilk
1 egg, lightly beaten
2 tablespoons butter, melted
Cinnamon-sugar
Directions
In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder,
baking soda and salt.
Cut in shortening until mixture is crumbly. Stir in raisins
and caraway seeds.
Combine buttermilk and egg; add to the crumb mixture.
Turn onto a lightly floured surface and knead gently 5-6 times.
Divide dough in half and shape into two balls.
Place on a lightly greased baking sheet.
Pat each ball into a 6-in. round loaf. Using a sharp knife,
cut a 4-in. cross about 1/4 in. deep on top of each loaf.
Brush with butter and sprinkle with cinnamon-sugar.
Bake at 375 for 40 to 45 minutes or until golden brown.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
961
|
permalink |
( 3 / 63 )
Humor: How is your pecker?
Wednesday, July 4, 2012, 05:03 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
|
|
Subscribe |
|
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 4
Happy 4th of July, if you are in the US!
Click Through for the big picture
Enjoy!
Ophelia
|
|
Please, help me stay online!
|
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an'
I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers
gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they
stay on by themselves any more?"
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher
to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the
patient into the doctor's office.
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth
of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters!
How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
Click through the picture for full size
It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put
a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some
dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down
Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender
came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself
zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer
pecker?"
Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for
dinner who lives with a female roommate Vikki...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate
was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Anthony and his roommate
than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I can assure
you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar
bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you
'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it
has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner.
Love,
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response
email from his Mama,
which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with her. But the fact remains that if she
were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would
have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mama
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but don't ask me how to get them in there.
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for
YOU."
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Rhubarb Custard Pie
Ingredients:
1 pound rhubarb, rinsed and sliced small
9-inch unbaked pie crust
1 cup granulated white sugar
3 large eggs
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt (optional)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 F.
Place rhubarb evenly in pie crust; set aside.
In a mixing bowl, combine sugar, flour, cinnamon, and salt;
set aside.
In a glass measuring cup, whisk together eggs and vanilla,
then blend with sugar mixture. Pour over rhubarb and bake
for 30 minutes or until rhubarb is tender and center is set.
Let cool, filling is quite hot.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
959
|
permalink |
( 2.9 / 65 )
Red, White and Blue Jello Firecrackers
Tuesday, July 3, 2012, 03:39 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
|
|
Subscribe |
|
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 3
There was an interesting incident in London, England, with
the Olympic torch. Here the volunteer torch bearers have to
run long stretches, so that the flame is carried friom the Atlantic
to the Pacific, and whenever a friendly spectator runs along
for a bit to give the designated torch bearer a bit of rest
or a chance to have a few sips of coffee, well, that is just
fine.
In England, where they have only a very short distance to
carry the torch, they have huge committees deciding who
may carry the torch, and treat it as a near royal privilege.
On day one of the English torch relay a guy, who just ran
along with the torch bearers, was trown into a hedge by the
cops, who run along (beside motorcycle cops in riot gear
a cop car full of cops and a bus full of them).
Today two youngsters, looking about 10 years old,
tried to snatch the torch as it was passed from one runner
to another.
They succeeded in helping to carry the torch for a foot or
two, before a cop wrestled them onto the pavement.
Click Through for the big picture
Enjoy!
Ophelia
|
|
Please, help me stay online!
|
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive
furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow
exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and
comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is
Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up,
after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow
returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your
face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your
checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for
the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her
friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just
fabulous,...handsome, attentive, sensitive, caring and
considerate."
What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol
asked?"
"Oh," Betty replied, "the other one is straight."
Click through the picture for full size
Way.... back in da Louisana swamp, Der lived a family named
Geautroux, Gaston & Clouteal.
One mornin' Gaston got in his Pe'rouge (a flat bottom canoe)
an paddled inta' town ta go to work.
Dat evenin' he come paddelin' home and Clouteal was standin'
on da bank of da bayou. Ol' Gaston asked: How you doin'
taday Cherre'?
Clouteal said: Ya no dat big ass alligator dat live
behind da house?
Gaston said: Ya...
Well...... he ate one of da kids!!
Ol' Gaston jumped up and started to yell!! Wat da matta
wit you woman!!
She said: Gaston, Dats alrite, we go to bed and make
another one.
Gaston tought a little bit and he reluctantly agreed.
About a year later, Gaston was commin' home again
and she was standin' on da bank.
He says , How you doin' honey?
She says OK, but dat big ass allegator ate another
one of da kids !!!
Gaston flew into a rage !!
Clouteal said: Don't worry, I'll jus make
sometin' ta eat and we can go ta bed and make
another one!
Gaston once again reluctenly agreed.
About a year later Gaston was commin' home
again and she was standin' on da bank. Gaston
was afraid ta ask how she was doin'.
She said: Dat Allegator ate another one if da kids !!!
Ol' Gaston jumped up and threw his paddle down
an stomped inside da house wit Clouteal close behind.
She said: It's OK, I'll cook somtin' and we can make
another one!!
Gaston turned to her and said:
What are you woman couyan' (crazy), If you tink I'm gonna
work all day and fuck all nite jus ta feed dat big ass
allegator, Ya Crazy !!!!!!
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are
having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
Here is a good old Classic!
A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day
when she said; "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my
husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to
the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce
leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat
food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as
her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his
dinner."Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty
years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to
say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same
dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her
husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You
killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would
do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered
your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell
off the window sill while he was licking his ass and went splat
on the sidewalk. "
Melvin comes to confession. "Father," he said, forgive
me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," Melvin replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
Melvin then related his story. "Father, I'm a
deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery
in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the
bell, the door opened and there stood the most
beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde
hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a
sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure.
And, she asked seductively if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh,
how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You
will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might
be?" Melvin asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be
appropriate, - you dumb ass."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Red-White and Blue Jello Firecrackers
Ingredients:
1-1/3 cups boiling water, divided
1 pkg. (3 oz.) JELL-O Berry Blue Flavor Gelatin
1 pkg. (3 oz.) JELL-O Cherry Flavor Gelatin
1 env. KNOX Unflavored Gelatine
1 cup milk, divided
3 Tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
20 maraschino cherries with stems, well drained, patted dry
Directions
1)Add 2/3 cup boiling water to berry gelatin mix in small bowl;
stir 2 min. until completely dissolved. Repeat with cherry
gelatin mix.
Cool.
2)Meanwhile, sprinkle unflavored gelatine over 1/4 cup milk
in medium bowl; let stand 5 min.
Bring remaining milk to boil in saucepan.
Remove from heat;
stir in sugar and vanilla.
Add to plain gelatine mixture; stir until gelatine is completely
dissolved.
Cool 10 min.
3)Spoon berry gelatin into 20 (1-oz.) plastic shot glasses
sprayed lightly with cooking spray, adding about 2 TBSP. to each.
Refrigerate 15 min. or until set but not firm.
4)Top with unflavored gelatine mixture, adding about 2 TBSP. to each cup.
Refrigerate 10 min.
Insert cherry, stem end up, into white gelatine layer in each cup.
Refrigerate 2 min.
5)Cover with cherry gelatin, adding about 2 TBSP. to each cup.
Refrigerate 2 hours or until firm.
Remove from cups before serving.
*Adults Only: Make this the "Jello Shooter" way:
Prepare as directed, reducing the boiling water to
1 cup and dissolving each of the berry and cherry
gelatin mixes in 1/2 cup boiling water.
Stir 1/4 cup vodka into each flavor of gelatin,
then continue as directed.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Credit: Recipe İKraft Jello
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
954
|
permalink |
( 3 / 67 )
Monday, July 2, 2012, 05:19 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
|
|
Subscribe |
|
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 2
BBQ was great. My potato salad was well appreciated
and I managed to do the steaks just right, with a pink stripe
in the center, and dark, spicy juice oozing, when they were
cut. Nobody finished their steaks and Maryann put all the
leftovers into a styrofoam box for me. That will make a
phantastic stew to last a few days!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
|
|
Please, help me stay online!
|
Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told
her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said,
"but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He
wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask an orthodox
virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a
thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a
business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods.
By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."
She thought a minute. "A business man he is? So tell him I don't
give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants."
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full
of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful young lady.
The puzzled lady kept looking at him and his bulging
pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, she continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Click through the picture for full size
The newlywed couple come back from their honeymoon. The bride's mother
asks the groom Did you enjoy "the whole thing"?
The groom answers Yes, I enjoyed the "hole"
and she enjoyed the "thing"!!!
Why it is so QUIET in New York City on Sundays.
The Jews are visiting relatives on Long Island.
The Italians are all putting flowers on graves.
The Irish are all sleeping off hangovers.
The Cubans are in church.
The Mexicans are busy cooking.
The blacks are busy.
The Puerto Ricans can't get their cars started.
The Germans are either sleeping in or cleaning their Tubas.
The Polish think it's Tuesday.
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can
you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into
a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a
hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said,
"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These
two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their
apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my
VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure
this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in
a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every
week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Red-White and Blue Desert Pizza
Ingredients:
1 box (1 Lb 2.3 Oz) Fudge Brownie Mix
Water, vegetable oil and eggs called for on brownie mix box
1 pkg (8 Oz) Cream Cheese, softened
3/4 cup Sugar
½ tsp Vanilla
2 cups sliced Fresh Strawberries
1 cup Fresh Blueberries
1 cup Fresh Raspberries
½ cup Strawberry Jelly
Directions
1. Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease bottom only of a
12-inch pizza pan with shortening or cooking spray.
2. In medium bowl, stir brownie mix, water, oil and eggs
until well blended. Spread in pan.
3. Bake 24 to 26 minutes or until toothpick inserted 2 inches
from side of pan comes out clean or almost clean.
Cool completely, about 1 hour.
4. In a small bowl, beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla
with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth.
Spread mixture evenly over brownie base.
Arrange sliced berries over cream cheese mixture.
Stir jelly until smooth; brush over berries.
Refrigerate about 1 hour or until chilled.
5. Cut into wedges. Store cover and refrigerate.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
953
|
permalink |
( 3 / 59 )
Back Next
Countries
Click through the picture for full size
Guaranteed Privacy! Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody.
Click through the picture for full size
Click Through for the big picture
Click through the picture for full size
Click Through for the big picture
Click through the picture for full size
Click through the picture for full size
Avatar
