Good Morning 
It's Monday,  Juy 6, 2009


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The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a
dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. 

"What happened?" asked the cop.

"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, 
"when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me 
and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . "

"And then what?"

"And then all heaven broke loose!"





Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his
wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the 
gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
 


A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.

Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when
he emerged from the shower.

He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the
door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down
and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"


 A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a
midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never
cheat on me again!"

"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said,
"Can't you see I'm tapering off!"


The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter
whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - 
I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your 
Maw and I made to give you a good education, 
you still say 'ain't' !"



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Ophelia
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Twitter: @OpheliaD
made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  Juy 5, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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The young bride's mother had some old-
fashioned ideas of marriage, and
passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she
advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her
brand-new husband were preparing to retire
when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever
been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now
and every night you've worn that silly hat to
bed."





From Ralph:
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have 
killed him if we hadn't stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"

"No, that's not what made her the maddest."

"It's not?"

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and 
closed the curtains."
 

A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little
baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up
in hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.

Let's call it a case of overreation," groaned the patient. "After the
dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove.
Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow
hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle
the school fight song!"


A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to
discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The
husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable
substitute in the eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted 
act and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.

The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da 
game, you no make-a da rules!"



Every time the U.S. Cavalry major rode through the camp of the
recently subjected Indian tribe, he'd deliberately wave to the old
chief. And the latter would reply by giving him the finger, in the
usual vertical manner, and then turning his hand so that the same
digit stuck out horizontally.

After a few weeks of this, the major's curiosity got the better of
him; so he rode over after one such exchange and said, "Look, Chief,
I know what it means when you give me the finger straight up, but
what the hell does it mean when you also give it to me sideways?"

"It means," grunted the chief, "that I don't like your horse, either!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  July 4, 2009

If you are in the US, Happy Independence Day!


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Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

There was once a sheep farmer who had a
French farmhand working with him to help
castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the
sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and
was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away!
My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're
delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to
the farmer's wife who cooked them up for
supper. This went on for three days....and each
evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the
house for supper. He asked his wife where the
farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the
strangest thing! When he came in and asked
what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and
he ran off like the devil was chasing him!"





A couple was driving through the countryside in an old, beat-up
Volkswagen.


The fertile quiet of the scenery began to inspire some lascivious
thoughts, so they decided to pull over to the side of the road.

The girl quickly jumped out of the cramped car, stripped, lay spread-
eagle on the lush, green grass, and waited. 
And waited. 
And waited.

"Honey," she yelled, "if you don't get out of that Volkswagen real
quick, I won't be in the mood much longer!"

"Baby," he lamented, "If I don't get out of the mood, I won't get out
of this here Volkswagen!"
 

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally
  paused in front of the monkey island.  Mystified as to the
  whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where
  are all of the monkeys ?"

  "They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right
  in the midst of the mating season."

  "I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered
  them some of these peanuts ?"

  Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I
  know Miss.  Would *YOU*?"


Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace
house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the
room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city
center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room
from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my
job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't
have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in
the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the
fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about you're husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the
evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that's being settled, I'll go to the
studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model
stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no
pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled
and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself,
especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does
not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe
me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you
can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for
the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood
behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards
the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and,
wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess
you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."



Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she
was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her
mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured
her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs,
and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and
said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria", said the mother, "All good men have
hairy chests. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got
hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up
she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his
left foot, he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,
she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a
job for Mama."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  July 3, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

After a rather heated argument, the husband was sitting alone at
the breakfast table and decided to just have some cereal.  Wondering
if he could patch things up in time for their usual Friday nite
love-making, he got his answer as he poured his cereal into the bowl.

It seems the wife had carefully hand lettered the words, 
"You ain't getting" to his box of 
"Nut 'n' Honey" cereal.





A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the
difference between singular and plural. She said, "What is it if one
woman looks out a window?"

Little Charlotte said, "Singular."

"Very good," said the teacher. "What is it if three women are looking
out of a window?"

Little Johnny mumbled just loud enough for all to hear, 
"A house of ill repute!"
 

"Wendy. I see under 'Experience' you only have clerical type work
listed," said the executive, "Why exactly do you feel you're qualified
to manage a department store such as ours?"

"Easy," Wendy replied, "At least twice a week, my former boss would
call me into his private office and give me the business."


"Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the man after his
bride-to-be finally consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what
position you want to use yet."



The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV
repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she
came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint
to look at her cleavage.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make
a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first
promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's
kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind,
decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain
disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes; yes!"

"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the
door..."

"Yes; yes!"

She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 2, 2009



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an
adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had
any real map-reading skills and they became separated
from the other members of their team. All they knew
was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub
called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly
lost until they came to what looked like a fork in
the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path
to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path
each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man
back to the pub would pay for the drinks.

Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork
was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint,
when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding,
battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a
rugby team.

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he
explained, "I must have gone around in circles for
hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car
engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car
in a clearing at the end of what looked like a
'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I
couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more
than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for
directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now,
the man in the car must have been a complete
psychopath, because as soon as I asked him,
'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the
car and beat the crap out of me!"





Little Johnny is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer.
Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his
teacher, "What's that, Miss Dawson?" 

Miss Dawson decides to play a word game with him and
says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Johnny." 

Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, 
"I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fuckin-pig!"
 

The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's
room after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said,
"Mr. Todd! Are you entertaining in there?"

From behind the door, Todd answered, 
"Just a second -- I'll ask her!"


Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors
about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going
through Father's office the other day, and do you know what
I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the
Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch
of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent
violation of the priest's chastity vow.

"What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.

"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.



A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws 
her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a 
month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!  The 
doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find
out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: 
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from
the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, 
mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices 
the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife 
is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. 
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD