Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 6, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is
deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells
him he needs to reintroduce excitement,
guilt, and spontaneity into the process. The
guy ponders this for a few days and
hatches a plan.
"Well" he says to the doctor on his follow-
up visit, "I did everything you suggested.
The boss let me leave work an hour
early.For excitement I drove home at twice
the speed limit,  charged into the house
through the closed screen door, and
jumped on Sheila in the living room.
"And did you ENJOY it!?" asked the doctor
enthusiastically.
"Well..." says the guy slowly and thoughtfully,
"Her Bible group thought it was pretty neat,
and it was kinda fun ...
until all the cop cars arrived with 16
speeding tickets and a SWAT team."





If a man is standing in the middle of the
forest, and only whispering,  and there
is no woman around to interrupt him,
is he still wrong?
----
Yes, of course!
 

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City
Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
"`fascinate.`" Sally raised her hand.

She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw
the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate.`"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided
there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so
she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but
her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."


A couple got married in a western one horse town and took
the their homey moon in the bright lights of Las Vegas.
While checking in the hotel clerk said to the honeymooners,
"Would you like a single room or a double or for $100 you
can have the bridal."

The woman responded, "No, we don't need the bridal, I'll
hang on to his ears until he gets the hang of it."


A man who had problems with premature ejaculation went to
a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow
can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and
you can go all night!"

Delighted, the guy took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf,
and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on
his dick and went upstairs to his wife.

But it seemed to make him reach orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can
down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me
worse than before!"

Reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on
cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."



A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and
carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and
could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and
threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel
room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked
his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to
peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her
suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown
in there.

"Oh no!  It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed.
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  June 5, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
Give him a modem,
and he won't bother you all night.



Friday at the office


 A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a
swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow
and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "damn
wind!!"

The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such
profanity?!" 

The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his
knees and prays for forgiveness from God.

A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind
starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest
sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!" 

The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, 
"Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!"

The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards 
the sky, asking God to forgive him.

Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of
thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest,
not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the
sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? 
God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve 
such a death!"

Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his
arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, 
"Damn wind!!!!"
 

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on
his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. 
Writen in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon..... 
from the nurse 
you gave a ticket to last week."


A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to
everyone that they are not talking to each other. The
groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love
on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put
a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his
friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough -
she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these
years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get
over this though. She gave me $20 change!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 4, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be
appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge
ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway,
and give him the best advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge
asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to
give him the best advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I
told him make a run for the border."



Watch it, Bubba! That lady with the cool shades and her hand on
the taser has had just about enough of your guff!


This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I
have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for
UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city.
When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most
beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like
emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed 
her perfect figure.
And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,"
replied the man. 

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your
reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow
asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you
jackass."
 

The Fourth Grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not
decided what he will do. Little Sarah is going to do a piano solo,
Mikey will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally,
his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out
his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Sarah, in her prettiest dress, tickles the ivories to rapturous
applause.

Then Mikey steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the
delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in checked shirt and denim overalls. He
steps up to the microphone and says: "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a
farm and every holiday my family visits him there. His wife, my aunt Martha,
always cooks a real down-home country meal for us all, and we feast and stuff
ourselves silly, for days on end. Tonight, I would like to share with
you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here
is the first: 
He pauses, takes a deep breath and hollers out at the top of his lungs:
"Johnny! 
Get your ass off the shitter and give someone else a chance!"
"Johnny! Get your ass of that tractor R.F.N., or I'll wring your scrawny neck!"
"Johnny! ..."

 Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old
squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of
fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw.
They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?"
The Chief replied, "I'm not wired for 220!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 3, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The wife of an older man is distraught because her
husband's um . . . little sailor can't salute anymore.  She goes
to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor
just feels plain bad for her.

The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's
on his way out...  Get this prescription, and put three drops
in his milk before he goes to bed."  The wife is very happy
and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how
it went.  The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty
drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an
antidote now to close the coffin."

With China foreclosing on the loans for the Hummer plants, 
GM-II is testing prototypes of the Bama-Spec Hummers:




The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the
night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him
all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy
continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and
says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have
the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad.
We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about
your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries
with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like
you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if
you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor
wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would 
have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's
office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write
the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a
patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and
can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires,
signed, Dr. Aaron Katz".   
Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern?"
 

 Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. 
 "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" 
 
 Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, 
 "What, you mean it's tiny like a peanut?" 
 
 "No silly, it's salty!"


The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the
Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.  The guide noted: "We are now passing 
the largest house of legal prostitution in America."

A male passenger shouts out:  "Why aren't we stopping?"
----------------------------------
I heard that the Mustang Ranch has been closed. Apparently they
got convicted of tax evasion and the federal government took it
over. Under federal government management it went bankrupt, 
hundreds of people got laid off and the place was closed.

I also heard that the federal Bureau of Land Management then
put it up for sale on eBay. It has since re-opened under a new 
owner and is apparently not needing a bailout.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 2, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and
said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am
getting married to the most beautiful girl in town.  She
lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to
talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with
women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm
afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and
very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes!  We're getting
married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation
and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too,
William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother
with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad
tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to
what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"



Russian Hum-V equivalent, handy for crowd control.


Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother
breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That
what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that".

The young mother tells Paddy to clear off.

Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me,
tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast
feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses..., "can I try
breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy".

Paddy says convincingly, "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby,
and he doesn't need the other breast".

The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking,
fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the
other breast".

Paddy began sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young
woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused, panting
slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy, "Paddy.... is there
anything else you want?"

Paddy asks, "err... have you got any cookies?"
 

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday
morning he would take his 7 year old daughter out for a drive in the
car.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really
didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the
rescue and decided that for this Sunday she would take their
daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl
ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what...
....we didn't see a single bastard or prick or dumb asshole!"


Thorn went into a bookshop and asked the sales
girl if she had a book called: "How to Master
Your Wife".

Salesgirl said: "Our science fiction section is
upstairs."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD