Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  May 6, 2009


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A little town attracted the attention of sociologists at the state
university because of its high birth rate. A team of researchers
writes a grant proposal, gets a chunk of money, hires additional
staff members and moves to the town.
While the staff is busy getting ready for the big research effort,
the project director goes to the local coffee shop for a cup of
coffee. While he is drinking his coffee, he starts talking with the
proprietor, and at one point in the conversation he asks the local
man if he has any idea why the birth rate is so high.
"Sure," says the coffee shop owner. "Every morning the 6:00
train comes through here and blows its whistle for the crossing. It
wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep,
and it's too early to get up."





So," Jane asked the detective she had hired,
"did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way
restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she
said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear, that he was
following you and taking pictures for his web site."


Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another
fifteen pounds first."


The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a
year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with
English.  One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her
boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful.  How long is his furlough?"

"Oh... yust the same as husband's yours, but a little bit thicker."
the au pair replied."


An old farmer comes running across field screaming. The farmer's wife
was at the kitchen window wondering what the hell was going on. He
rushes in house and says, "Ma, get in bed I got a hard on."

She slowly gets undressed and gets in bed. He looses his hard on. He
gives her a stern lecture, "Next time I come screaming you be in bed
ready!"

Two months later here he comes screaming across field. She sighs and
gets in bed.

He rushes in and says, "Ma you damn sex maniac, get out of bed---the
barns on fire!!"



A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said
the neighbour, "and do what I did. "Once my husband came home at three
o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' 

"And that cured him?." asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  May 5, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Every morning Custer rode thru the Indian Reservation on his
horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every
morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the
gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust
horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I think I know
what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the
significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied "He doesn't like your horse either!"





She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a
few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."


You just might be a redneck, ....
If you find more cars than you expected,
when you mow the grass.


When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her
operation,  she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it
would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their clothes.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their clothes, and paint in the
nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door. "Who is it?", calls one of the women.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two women look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that
no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
open the door.
"Wow," says the man, "nice to see you!
Where do you want these venetian blinds?"



Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices
that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something
bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll probably miss me."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  May 4, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd
Psalm.  He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted
by the phrase
"Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I can handle having Guinness
and Marcy folowing me around. They are OK.
But I don't want Shirley following me around all the time. 
She's a gossip and a spoilsport!"





George said to Mary, "I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have
the best sex that you have ever had without me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said,
He replied: "Here is ten dollars that says I can do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she
could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed, "Well, it may have been the
best sex I've ever had... but you DID touch me!"
George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed with these
words, "You are right. I lost this bet. Do you want to give me a
chance to win it back next weekend ?"


A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross- examined.
The lawyer thundered at him: "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did
you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
The witness said meekly, "My mother did."


A little Polish kid's starting in kindergarten.
The teacher says, "Every day you have to put on a clean pair of
underwear."
By Saturday, he couldn't get his pants on.


From Bob:
I was at a bar, I asked a girl to dance, and every time I twirled her
around, she got two inches taller.
I said, "What's going on?"
She said, "You're unscrewing my wooden leg."



A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
hypothetical question:  "If your beat was a lonely path in Central
Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a
strange man had suddenly  grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, 
what would you do?"

The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would
endeavor to reconstruct the crime."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 3, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing
notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first,
"but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second.
"But then everything changed. That's why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby in three months!"
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly 5 years,
and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time!"





A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a
problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets
undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the
cause
is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a
gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have."
"That's the problem!" the doctor says,
"Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"


My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided
to talk to him about sex.  To ensure private
time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our
talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.
"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.
He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up
again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third trip, already knowing I had waited
too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like
to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Mom," he responded, "is that all you ever
think about?"


As the victim lulled off guard and was drawn into some 
serious-money betting, the golf hustler went into top gear and 
started playing like a master. Aware of the sucker's suspicion, 
the hustler feigned surprise at this miraculously improved form, 
shrugged modestly and muttered, "Somebody up there
must like me."

"Good," snapped the brawny sucker, fingering his driver in a 
meaningful manner,
"because if I lose, you're going to meet Him."


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm
the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the economy.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll
call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll
call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that
makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what
you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while the Working Class is screwing
the economy, the Government is sound asleep and doesn't 
have a clue, the People are being ignored and the Future is 
in deep shit."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  May 2, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two men from San Francisco were standing on a corner next to an old
stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One man looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other San Francisco man leaned around and said,
"Go ahead, he looks like he's friendly."





A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be
absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her
back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she
purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I
want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want
you once more to say 'Eighty-eight."
"One, ahhhh   two,    ahhhh   three,   ahhhh   four,   ahhhh   five..."


The father watched through the window as his young daughter 
made a snowman with a little friend. Entertained by the sight, 
he went closer and heard the little neighbor boy say:
"I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and
find a carrot."
His daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."


Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her
this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is
the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support.
Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He
said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST
child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now
I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your
face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after
18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your
father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his
face."


A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot
tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly
strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you
have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into
the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himself that
the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and
with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by
the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back
to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided
today is May the second, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, 

"That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a 
cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at
my watch."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD