Ophelia Dingbatter's News: won't bother you all night 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Friday,  June 5, 2009

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Give him a modem, and he won't bother you all night.
Friday at the office
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "damn wind!!" The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God. A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him. Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!" Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Damn wind!!!!"
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Writen in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Wired for 220 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 4, 2009

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Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him the best advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him make a run for the border."
Watch it, Bubba! That lady with the cool shades and her hand on the taser has had just about enough of your guff!
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said. The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son." "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked. The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
The Fourth Grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Sarah is going to do a piano solo, Mikey will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Sarah, in her prettiest dress, tickles the ivories to rapturous applause. Then Mikey steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience. Finally, out comes Johnny, in checked shirt and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says: "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday my family visits him there. His wife, my aunt Martha, always cooks a real down-home country meal for us all, and we feast and stuff ourselves silly, for days on end. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first: He pauses, takes a deep breath and hollers out at the top of his lungs: "Johnny! Get your ass off the shitter and give someone else a chance!" "Johnny! Get your ass of that tractor R.F.N., or I'll wring your scrawny neck!" "Johnny! ..."
Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw. They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?" The Chief replied, "I'm not wired for 220!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Mustang Ranch 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 3, 2009

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The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um . . . little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."
With China foreclosing on the loans for the Hummer plants, GM-II is testing prototypes of the Bama-Spec Hummers:
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz". Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern?"
Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's tiny like a peanut?" "No silly, it's salty!"
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America." A male passenger shouts out: "Why aren't we stopping?" ---------------------------------- I heard that the Mustang Ranch has been closed. Apparently they got convicted of tax evasion and the federal government took it over. Under federal government management it went bankrupt, hundreds of people got laid off and the place was closed. I also heard that the federal Bureau of Land Management then put it up for sale on eBay. It has since re-opened under a new owner and is apparently not needing a bailout.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Got any cookies 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 2, 2009



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One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan." After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." William was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"
Russian Hum-V equivalent, handy for crowd control.
Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that". The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses..., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast". The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly, "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy began sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused, panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy, "Paddy.... is there anything else you want?" Paddy asks, "err... have you got any cookies?"
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this Sunday she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... ....we didn't see a single bastard or prick or dumb asshole!"
Thorn went into a bookshop and asked the sales girl if she had a book called: "How to Master Your Wife". Salesgirl said: "Our science fiction section is upstairs."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Opheia Dingbatter's News: Never been bolted 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 1, 2009

Picked my first rhubarb of the year!
Cubed it and a sweet apple and an over ripe banana
and boiled it a bit for a chunky and tart pancake topping.
Spring has sprung!

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Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. He suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff.." "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through negligee. "How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"
Here is an annual favorite one for the start of Summer School: It was the first day of the summer school and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Betty-Sue and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Betty-Sue assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "Some girls have become outstanding cabinet makers and carvers, some came here with a lot of prior knowledge and experience, but others without any clue. So that I won't talk over your head, or bore you silly with unnecessary explanations, I'll have to ask you some questions: Do you have any experience at all working with wood fasteners?" "What exactly do you mean?" replied Betty- Sue. "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked. Betty-Sue pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run. When he delivered the milk upon a house, a beautiful woman answered the door wearing a transparent nightie. This happened every morning from Monday to Thursday. On Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so he zipped down his fly and took out his penis fully erect and he rang the doorbell to deliver the milk. To his surprise a man of six foot six, 200 pound and with a hairy chest answered the door. The quick thinking milkman said, "If you don't pay for your milk today I'll piss all over your welcome mat!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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