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NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults. Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 5, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Jack was to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside chat. "Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said 'Here Honey, try these on'. So she did, and said 'Well sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them' so I replied 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here Babe, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me". Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and I don't want you to forget that". At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine". So he tries and says, "I can't get even half way into your knickers". Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will!" Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said Hold on, Sister Margaret - not so fast!" But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem. You never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter. "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me." A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Pete? It's Maggie. It's gonna be a while! 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening. "Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." "Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, May 4, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's computer was having problems, the voice explained. As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent. "Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy." No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom. "Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!" Pipe Specifications of the Government 1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe. 8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. 13. All pipe has to have identifying labels stating the name of the manufacturer, type, model, dimension and regulatory approval seal painted or embossed on the outside in a size that is easily read without magnification or instrumentation, for the entire length of the pipe. No labels shall be applied to the inside (hole side) of the pipe. 
David comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and yelling at her. "How could you give the paperboy a blowjob when you know dam well it's the milkman we owe money to?" The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "Just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "Much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please point the pussy this way." A guy falls asleep on the train and misses his stop. He gets off at the end of the line and asks a cabbie how much a ride to his crib would be. "Twenty bucks, pal," the cabbie says. "Listen, I've got five on me and the rest at home," the guy says. "Take a hike, pal," the cabbie tells him. The guy walks 15 miles home at 3:00 a.m., plotting revenge the whole way. The next night, he gets off at the same stop as the night previous, and sees the same cabby third in a queue. He asks the first driver in line how much the fare is. "Twenty bucks," the cab driver says. "How about five and a blowjob?" the guys asks. "Take a friggin' hike, you pansy," the cabbie says. He then asks the second driver in line how much the ride would be. "Twenty bucks," the cabbie says. He makes the same proposition and receives pretty much the same response. He then hops in the cab with the driver from the night before, handed him $25, and drives away winking at the first two drivers, giving them the old thumbs up! When ideas fail, words come in very handy. --- Goethe
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, May 3, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A new, young M.D. doing his residency in obstetrics was quite embarrassed to perform female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly during the exam. One day, the middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." A new nun goes to her first confession and tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." 
A couple that was married for 40 years was revisiting the places they went on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here 40 years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the man said, "Darling, you sure never moved like that 40 years ago -- or any time since that I can remember!" The woman said, "Forty years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!" Two guys walk into a bar scamming for two-legged females. The first guy says, "Hey, check out the blonde over there. I'll bet she's really hot in bed!" He proceeds to go over and make small talk with her. Before long, they both leave for a one-nighter. The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same blonde, pinches her in the rear, and the two were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy. The first guy says, "I think my wife is better." The second guys nods his head and says, "yeah, I agree, your wife is better!" A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow." "But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine." A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer o leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off." When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "Me." said the soldier simply.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 1, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice." So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. "Not very nice," he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. "Better," he thought, "But best to check the last door." When he opened the last door, he saw a room full of people standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said, and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Okay, coffee break's over, back on your hands and knees! Scrub that floor!" Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before. "Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated. He speaks ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian restaurant and ordered the meal and wine in French, then took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian book collection by the fireplace." "Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?" "Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!" 
Photo Bomber
John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous." After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialled him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked confused. "Umm, he's in the shower," she responded. "Would you please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and immediately hung up. When he didn't return the call, I angrily dialled again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said. "Like Hell you are!" I exclaimed. "You're not my boyfriend!" "Lady, I know that," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour." Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!" I tore out a bunch of pages from my Dictionary, so now 'cleanliness' is next to 'godliness'. It's a good thing I did not tear out any more pages, or 'cleanliness' would be next to 'impossible!'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 1, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!" A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." 
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he inquired. "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame. "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, ...gesturing to an older and much heavier woman in the corner, " ...but Two-Ton Bertha here has seniority!" A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh ... you go there to uh ... enjoy yourself and have a good time." The boy starts hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young just yet. Saturday night his dad and a few friends sneak out to "Sweet Suzie's" to "enjoy themselves and have a good time", not knowing the little fellow is hot on their heels following them. The men are inside for quite a while, but as soon as his father leaves, the little boy hurries into the whorehouse and tells the Madame that he wants to enjoy himself and have a good time. She's a bit taken back at first, but, being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three sugar-glazed doughnuts and tells him to have a good time by enjoying them on the way home. Later that evening he arrives back home to find his parents all worried, his mum lying down with a worry-stress migraine. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been. "IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he shouts proudly. "SHOOSH! your mum has a headache," his father said, leading him out into the kitchen. "Ok then, so you went there, ... how was it?" "Great dad! I managed to eat the first two without any problem, but I could only just manage to lick the last one. Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. " Sophie replies, "How long has she been a hooker?" The average person thinks he isn't. --- Father Larry Lorenzoni
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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