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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 4

Thank you Allen!

Today the postal workers plan to strike in Hamilton, Ontario.
Ho, hum. Does anybody, except maybe their spouses, care?
Not really. They sure don't seem to get any sympathy in
Canada, not even from other unions.

Postal unions in other countries seem to be the only ones,
who are really interested. They will learn from this and
shape their next negotiations accordingly.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Laura was attending her High School reunion and was
having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a
close, the master of ceremonies for the night
proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the
graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to
attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married
the longest time, the graduate who had become the most
successful, etc.

Laura wondered if she was going to get a prize too.
Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her
name.

"Laura, you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever,
he added: "And champagne is only half the prize.
The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Laura replied. "It's obvious
with this many kids, that I've never had a headache !"



A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand
up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife.  You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."



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"I'm going to give up this drinking," Brian said to his
friend. "I got so drunk last night that I just barely
staggered home and managed to drag myself up the stairs to
the bedroom."

"So what's so bad about that?" his friend Paul asked.

"Well, when I opened the bedroom door," Brian said "I found that I was
already in bed making love to my wife."




Click through for the big version

 



Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts
collide.  One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking
for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little
desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, big boobs, and a
tight ass. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind her, let's look for yours!"



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While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right
foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.

What direction is your foot going now?



	Skyscrapers

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 3
Time to wear a bit of red to showyour support for the troops!




Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal
to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good so
there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.



Johnny came home all excited one day running into the kitchen tugging on
his mothers apron wanting to know how much water a mouse had in it.
Mother, not really knowing what to say, she tried to brush it aside by
asking Johnny why he wanted to know. 

Johnny replied,"Well, one ran up the teachers dress at school today 
and when she clamped her legs together,  I'll bet she squeezed a 
whole gallon out of that little ole' mouse."




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A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a         
romantic interlude and asks if he can hop on his daddy's 
back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and 
they continue. 

When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned 
down and whispered in his father's ear, 
"Hold on tight, daddy, this is where me and the 
postman get bucked off."




Click through for the big version

 



A Wealthy playboy called Trenton met a beautiful young girl called Jess
in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he
soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently
very intelligent.  Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his
collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and
offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means.  To me it is the nectar of the gods.  Just looking at it
in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of
anticipation.  When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is
poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on
the wings of ecstasy.  It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic
potion and my whole being begins to glow.  The sounds of a thousand
violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into
another world."

"Port, on the other hand, just makes me fart."



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A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. he worked
out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also
kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to
quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have
children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt
your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he
readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they
adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she
would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was
pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if
she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went
on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same
thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they
adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then
said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up
after!"



	Skyscrapers

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 2

Got a shock today, when a friend sent me this video:
Bill Gates Wants Depopulation Through Vaccines and Health Care

The first thing I asked was if that was an impersonator.
Bill Gates used to be a smart fella before Microsoft eased him 
out to pasture, but to talk total, absolutel nonsense about CO2
like that, sure is a shocker. He seems to have swallowed 
Al Gore's early bull and acts like he believes it!
Even Al Gore has backed 

Gates claims CO2 is bad for the planet!
I hope I never get that insane. 
Carbon is the basic building block of life! When there is
an abundance of CO2, the oceans, forests and fields increase
their output, just like an engine produces output, when you feed 
it more fuel. That's why greenhouse growers burn raw propane
in the greenhouses, to produce CO2 for the tomatoes and lettuce.

Sure, as a photographer, I don't like coal fired power plants,
but I realize, compared to volcanoes, the powerplants are totally
negligible. And the wheat fields need the CO2 for fuel.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A woman called up a doctor's office and said to the nurse,
"I'm missing my panties. I just wonder if I left them in the
dressing room."

The nurse said she'd look, but came back and said,
"I'm sorry, madam, but your panties are not here."
"Oh well then, never mind," answered the woman.
"I must have left them at the dentist's."



These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell.  When they
arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.  The first
guy says "It's gotta be the booze.  I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing
but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.

The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah!  Look at all this alcohol!" and runs
into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women.  I could never stay faithful to my
wife."

The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked
women that you have ever seen.  And he would be the only guy in there
for 100 years.  He couldn't believe it.  His dick was instantly hard and
he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud.  I'm always tokin' up."

The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot
tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death
bud.  The stoner can't believe it.  He goes in and takes a seat Indian
style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three
men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out.  He's got an
empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or
showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss.  "I'll
never drink again!" he says.

The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to
give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even
faster than when he went in.  "I'm fucking gay!" he screams.

The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and
gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door.  He opens it and nothing has
changed.  The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was
100 years ago.

The devil asks him if he learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.

"You gotta a light man?"



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It's Saturday morning.  Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf
when  he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes
the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says,

"But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then.  Here's what I want you to do.  Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and
she's just lying there.  I think she's dead."

Oh my God!  And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.  But he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit
the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. I
think he may be dead, too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says,

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"




 


Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into
the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace. Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely
contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly
about what he saw: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the
seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an
interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie
starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and...

"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army."



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The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The
problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This
is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole
erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a
shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study
and  . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First
Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by
1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.



	Aerodynamics

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 1

Looks like we will have a postal strike starting on Thursday.
The demands by the union are quite ridiculous, especially
considering that we currently have a very strong government.

During years, when we had weak governments, the postal
union managed to extort all kinds of cushy deals, that simply
can't be justified any more.  The union is also fighting 
technological changes, and not getting any sympathy on
that either. 

Actually, I don't know anybody, wo sides with the postal
union. The important stuff goes on-line or by courier
anyway.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling
down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the
landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra
tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride
would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called
out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that
thing, I'm going home to mother."



A Classic worth repeating:
Mrs. Smith was in bed having wild passionate sex with
Mr. Jones, when all of the sudden her husband came
home. Surprised that he was home so early, she quickly
told Mr. Jones to stand in the corner, then she
covered him with cold cream and patted him down with
some talc she had on her dresser.

Mr. Smith walks in the bedroom and sees his wife laying
naked in bed, appearing to be ready for a wild night of
sex with her husband. After a long day at work, he is
refreshed by this sight, so he disrobes and climbs on
for a great ride.

After they finish having sex, he asks her, "Dear, what
is that in the corner?" "Well," starts Mrs. Smith,
"It's a statue! It's the latest fad and Mrs. Crump down
the street has one just like it, so I wanted one too!"
Mr. Smith seemed satisfied with this answer so he
closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

He awakens at midnight and goes to the kitchen where he
prepares sandwiches and brings them back to the
bedroom. Upon entering the room, he walks over to the
statue and hands the sandwiches to Mr. Jones.

"Here buddy," says Mr. Smith, "I stood like an idiot at
the Crumps the whole night and nobody offered me so
much as a glass of water!"



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A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 -
If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,
"Is the sign right?".

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow
dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned!
You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the
same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches
as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of
straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the man's room, takes his boots
off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of
polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a
five-dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be
confused. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on
the Indian.

The Indian then says, "You're from Arkansas!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of
him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."




Click through for the large version

 



A little girl went to her father and asked, "Dad, what is 
politics?" 

"Well, dear," he said, "let me try to explain it this way 
- I'm the breadwinner of the family, so we'll call me 
Capitalism. Mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll 
call her the Government. We're here to take care of your 
needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the Nanny 
the Working Class, and your baby brother, the Future. Think 
about all that and see if it makes any sense." 

She then went off to bed, thinking about all her father had 
said. Later that night, she heard her baby brother crying 
and when she went to check on him, she found he had soiled 
his diaper. She then went to her parents' room, but found 
her mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, she went 
to the Nanny's room and found the door locked. When she 
peeked in the keyhole, she saw her father huffing and puffing 
and really working up a sweat on top of the nanny, 
who sounded like she was really enjoying the experience. 

The little girl gave up and went back to bed. 

The next morning, she said to her father, "I think I 
understand the concept of politics now." 

"That's wonderful," he replied. "Tell me, in your own 
words, what you think it's all about." 

"Well," replied the little girl, "while Capitalism is 
servicing the Working Class, the Government is sound 
asleep, the People are being ignored and the 
Future is in deep shit!"



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when 
she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three
wishes!". 

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square,
what's your first wish?". 

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge 
mansion to live in."

The goblin replies "OK, you've got it."

The woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a 
Mercedes." 

"OK, you've got that too." 

"My last wish is a million dollars!". 

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your 
wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." 

"OK then, if that's what it takes."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" 

"I'm 37", she replies.

"Wow", says the man, "37, 
and you still believe in goblins!"



	One of Seven Wonders

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 31

Winter seems to be over even here. Time to get busy with
planting stuff.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Q: Why don't men have a mid-life crisis?
A: They go straight from adolescence to childhood.



A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a 
fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went 
inside and sat down. 

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you 
are the father of two children." 

"That's what you think", said the man scornfully. I'm the father of 
THREE children." 

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" 



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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too
far from the stage.  He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I
have to watch a mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I'll give
you a nice tip." 

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands 
the usher a quarter.  

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, 
"The wife did it."




Click through for the large version

 



A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as
they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too
personal.

Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went
to Herrod's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the
panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following
note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any
in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen
the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are
easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that
helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks
and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



The Pope made a decision to grant absolution to three 
sinners. 

The first person before him was Howard Stern. "What is your 
sin?" asked the Pope. "I have offended people all over the 
country," replied Howard. 

"Kneel down," replied the Pope. "I shall bless you and 
grant you absolution." 

Next before him was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" asked 
the Pope. "I have cheated on my wife," Bill answered.
 
"Kneel down," said the Pope. "I shall bless you and grant 
you absolution." 

The third sinner was then before the Pope. "What is your 
name?" he asked. "Monica Lewinsky." 

"Perhaps it would be best if you remain standing!" the 
Pope said.



	Caught Dead