Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 2, 2008
Lots of fresh snow. No Gullible Warming around here!
I might even have to shovel the sidewalk in the morning.

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 315 in the subscriber family now. 
Growth seems to have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me.
My beautiful wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to
Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who 
asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. 
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's Bar?"


Linda is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on 
her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such 
a tattoo and in that location. 
She responds, 'It's really cool. 
If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'



A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change,
and then goes back and says to the cashier,  "Hey, you gave
me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier.
"We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing
I can do about it now.  That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like
to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."





A female police officer pulled over a man
for DUI; and said, "You are under arrest.
Anything you say can and will be held
against you."

The drunk appeared to be thinking for
a moment.  He then slowly announced,
"Tits."


From Elsie
Here's another way of attracting a sales person
during the busy holiday season.

My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-
age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we
didn't have batteries.  He stepped over to a counter to get
the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.

I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over
here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape
measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a
clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach
my side in jig time.

To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of
those batteries over there."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 1, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 314 in the subscriber family now. Growth seems to 
have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter and subscribe friends!


Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia
Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.





My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A Romanian village priest has made an appeal to his young
parishioners asking them to abstain from having sex in the
church's steeple.

Priest Cristian Teodorescu from Dabuleni, Dolj county, told
Evenimentul Zilei: "When I come to the church, especially
after the weekend, I cross myself to what I see.

"There are used condoms everywhere. I even found some hanging
on the bell's chain."

Residents leaving near the church have confirmed the allegations
but police said the practice brings big money to the local budget.

Head of local police Lucian Sfetcu, said: "We give out hundreds
of fines for this activity."


My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never.....

Put my glasses back on.


A young couple decide to tie the knot and went to the doctor
for physical exams. Afterward the doctor calls the young
man into his office and told him he had some good news
and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is
that your fiancée has gonorrhea."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what
the hell is the bad news!?"  "Well,"  the doctor
elaborated, "the bad news is that she didn't get from you."





Obama is spending his first night in the White House.
 
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Obama
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
 
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
 
"Ouch!" Says Obama, "I don't know about that."
 
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Obama says, "How can I best serve
my country?"
 
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
 
"Ohhh! I REALLY don't want to do that. After all, they
elected ME!"
 
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears...Obama says,"How can I best serve my
country?"
 
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."


In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's
not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm
eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to twenty dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the twenty on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer,  I've sold 34
stray cats so far this week."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 29, 2008


Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia
Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.



We got 313 in the subscriber family now. Growth seems to 
have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter and subscribe friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her 
class about the value of being observant and said, 
"Now children, look at this grandfather clock;
what does the clock have that I have too?" 

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face." 

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands." 

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I 
haven't got?" 

After a long silence, a boy rose and with a reddening face, 
said, " I'm pretty sure you don't have a  pendulum, Miss."


From Isolda
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my  toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran  amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you sucking Daddy's  pee-pee last night!" 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. 
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up 
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank  with my 
daughter in  tow. The last thing I heard when the door 
closed behind me were screams of laughter.


Also from Isolda
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds  of  golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I  was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."




My brother-in-law's last stand


Becky was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after 
her recent bout with the flu and  went to see her Doctor. 

After a quick examination, he said, "You look weak and 
exhausted !  What have you been doing?"

Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, 
and having your meals three times a day as I advised 
you on your last visit?"    

Becky, looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed , 
"Oh Doc, I've sure been getting the first two, but on that 
last one,  I could swear you said three males a day!"


This man stops over to visit his grand parents, during a hot 
spell, and finds his grand father standing in front of the air 
conditioner without any pants on.

Man says: Gramps, what are you doing? You don't have 
any pants on."
Grandfather says: "It's your Grandmothers idea" 
"Yesterday it was so hot I stood here without my shirt, 
and woke up with a stiff neck"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 29, 2008




Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia


Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.



We got 310 in the subscriber family now. Growth seems to 
have stalled. The blog, however, seems to be gaining readers 
quite nicely. My friend and mentor Dear Webby tells me that
people read my newsletter at work, where they can't get regular
subscriptions.

I still hope that you forward my newsletter and subscribe friends!


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

At one point during a Little League baseball game, the coach 
called over one of his young players and asked,  "Do you 
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win 
together as a team?" 

The little boy again nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or 
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack 
the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 

Once more the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.  "Now go over there and explain 
that to your mother."


There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and
delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old
Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold
their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a
good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about
how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your
mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice. The 
following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in
the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally
transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come
next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good 
she made him feel. 

Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in
conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was
recommended by the Bishop!"


During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn.  The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldn't hurt much.  Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I
thought."



DeWalt parenting tool, rechargeable



One afternoon, a woman was visiting a zoo.
When the afternoon was about to end, she
found herself near the kangaroos. Friendly
as they were, she started to pet them.

Suddenly an uncontrollable urge came over
her to reach down and squeeze the poor
animal's balls. She had squeezed too hard,
as the kangaroo started to wildly jump around.
Higher and higher, the kangaroo jumped
around until it cleared the high fence and
escaped.

Scared, the woman looked around to see if
anybody noticed her actions. She saw the
zookeeper running toward her, so she
started to run.

As the zookeeper caught up, he pleaded
while pulling down his pants ...

"Sorry, ma'am, you're going to have to
squeeze mine, too!  I'm the poor guy who
has to catch that thing."


Morris stops by to visit his friend who is paralized from the waist
down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold.
Would you be so kind as to go get me my house slippers please?" 
Morris obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's 
daughters, both very good looking. 

Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" 
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" 
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" 
"Yes, both
of them!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 28, 2008

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
I sure transferred the stuffing from the turkey to me. 
It took two sittings, with a walk around the block in between,
but we finished and made sure there were no nuisance left-overs.

It sure was great, but now I am paying for it. Next time my scale tells 
me: "One at a time, please!", I'm going to step on it with BOTH feet!


Now you can vote for me! Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

We got 309 in the subscriber family now. 

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down
pour of thunder and rain, these two young rednecks ran for about 10
minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain
got even worse

. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,
laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and
tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk!
Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a
ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open
the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of
his wits, "What do you want???" 

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" 

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, 
"He wants tobacco!"

"Well give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. 
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a 
cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror. 

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they 
start laughing again, and the passenger says, 
"What do you think of that?" The driver says, 
"I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is
the old man again. 
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. 

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. 

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" 
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. 
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the 
window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a 
sudden again there is more knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and 
screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.

The old man gently replies, "Do you idiots want some help 
getting out of the mud?" 


A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when 
she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, 
she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as 
ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take 
a blow job."


A man in a trench coat walked into a supermarket. After walking around
forseveral minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the
cashier. He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trench coat
and slapped his penis down next to the beans.

The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it
repeatedly down on the flasher's private parts. He screamed and passed
out from the pain.

The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report
the responding officer wrote, "he should have purchased a loaf of
bread".



Mississippi Econo Cruise


Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a
contest arises between them as to who can bed her first,
even though they're both already married. Eventually one of
them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear
how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed
with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you
think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right."


One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who
answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On
the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the
beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher
asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could
answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would
somehow answer the question and get a 3-day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes 20 Ping-Pong balls and paints them
black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end
of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling
to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing,
the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the
comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and
yells, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"